
J±1SL 



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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



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OVER HERE 



THE STORY OF "OVER THERE" 
EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT 

HOW TO LIVE AT 
THE FRONT 

By Hector MacQuarrie, B.A., Cantab. 
Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery 

Illustrated, $1.35 net 
" A Masterpiece " — New York Son 

Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms 
It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to 
what is in store for him at the front. This book 
will give you the facts, — read it and counsel 
your boy for his physical and spiritual good, or 
better still send him a copy and call his atten- 
tion to the chapters that you think will be of 
the greatest value to him. 

// You Are an American 

Read it for the true facts it will give you of the 
living and working and fighting under actual 
war conditions. It will help you understand 
what difficulties face our army, both officers and 
men, in France. You will thereafter read the 
war news and letters from the front with deeper 
sympathy and greater understanding. 




- ; '•: 




OVER HERE 

IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA 
BY A BRITISH OFFICER 



HECTOR MacQUARRIE, B. A., Cantab. 

SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY 
AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT" 



PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON 

J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 

1918 






COPYRIGHT, I9l8, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 



PUBLISHED APRIL, I0l8 



PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY 

AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS 

PHILADELPHIA, U. 8. A. 



22 1918 



'Gi. A 4 97 4 25 



I 



TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER 
A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO 
DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917 
THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED 



PREFACE 

A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE • 

Dueing a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, 
with occasional visits to other states, I have found 
little to criticise, but rather much to admire, much 
indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, 
since it contains so man;" people that I have learnt 
to care for, so I want to let my cousins as well as 
my own countrymen know my thoughts. 

From the day that I landed in New York until 
the present moment, I have been treated with a kind- 
liness that surpasses anything I thought possible in 
this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where 
misunderstanding has arisen, and, being a Highland 
Scotchman, I ami able to express my feelings. 

I have written more about persons than about 
places. Sometimes I laugh a little, but never un- 
kindly ; and I do this because I realize that American 
people rather appreciate a joke even at their own 
expense. 

Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible 
for an Englishman to see a good joke. A man told 
me once that the Kaiser was disguising his submarines 
as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was in- 
teresting to me, because if there is one thing that we 
Britons pride ourselves upon, it is our sense of humour. 
Of course, the explanation is obvious. Most humour 

7 



8 PREFACE 

is based upon the surprising incidents and coinci- 
dents of domestic relations, and how on earth are we 
poor British to appreciate specious American humour 
when we know nothing of American home life, and but 
little of American society? 

When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny 
page of a newspaper as pure drivel ; now I never miss 
having a good laugh when I read it. I have become 
educated. Once or twice in these letters I have 
slanged my own countrymen, but my American friends 
will not misunderstand, I am quite sure. If I were 
an American, perhaps I should have the right to 
criticise the American people. 

During these times of stress it is difficult to con- 
centrate upon anything not connected with the war, 
and so these papers have been written, sometimes 
sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my 
room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while 
awaiting my turn to speak. So I apologize for much 
that is careless in my effort towards good English, 
hoping that my readers will realize that while I de- 
sire to amuse them, still underlying much that is 
flippant, there is a definite hope that I shall suc- 
ceed just a little in helping to cement a strong intelli- 
gent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon 
nations. 

Hector M acQuarrie. 
Bethlehem, Pa., November, 1917. 



CONTENTS 



CHAPTER PASB 

I. A Naval Battle Followed by Service at Sea 11 

II. New York Shelled with Shrapnel and an Entrance 

made to the "Holt City" 17 

III. Social Amenities in "Back Billets" 36 

IV. "Very's Lights" 46 

V. A Christmas Truce 52 

VI. German Frightful Foolishness! A New Ally! 

The Hatchet Shows Signs of Becoming Buried. . 77 

VII. Some British Shells Fall Short 84 

VIII. Lacrym.>.tory Shells 95 

IX. Shells 113 

X. Submarines 129 

XI. An Offensive Bombardment 137 

XII. Six Day's Leave 146 

XIII. Guns and Carriages 162 

XIV. A Premature 180 

XV. "Bon for You: No Bon for Me" 188 

XVI. A Naval Victory 196 

XVII. Poisonous Gas 209 

XVIII. Through Pennsylvania 219 



OVER HERE 



A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA 

R. M. S. Begonia, Atlantic Ocean, 

August 30, 1917. 

When I was told that I should possibly visit 
America I was not quite certain how I liked the idea. 
To be sure I had never been to the United States, but 
to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to 
spend my days amidst the noise and racket of machine 
shops and steel mills, accompanied by civilians, was 
not altogether attractive. Nevertheless there was a 
great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and 
on the whole I felt glad. 

After being invalided from Ypres I had spent 
some time in a convalescent home, and I finally joined 
a reserve brigade on what is termed " light duty." 
While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness 
to proceed to America as an inspector of production, 
which meant that I was to help in every possible way 
the production of guns and carriages. My job would 
be to help the main contractor as far as possible by 
visiting the sub-contractors, and by letting the people 
at home know (through the proper channels) of any- 
thing that would assist the manufacturer. 

11 



12 OVER HERE 

My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like 
all my countrymen, I rather refuse to acknowledge 
the independence of the United States. They are re- 
lations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining 
diplomatic relations amongst themselves and being in- 
dependent at the same time. Of course, many cousins, 
especially of the enthusiastic and original type, 
rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they 
never get it; so we still regard the American people 
as part of ourselves, and, of course, make a point of 
showing them the more unpleasant features of their 
national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, 
but on the other hand, they may not. I don't know. 
Perhaps I shall find out. 

It is a little difficult to understand their attitude 
in regard to the Germans. We dislike them. They 
ought to. 

However, before proceeding to America, I was 
ordered to tour the munition plants of the British 
Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was astonished 
at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, 
and especially by my fellow countrywomen. The 
latter were seen by the thousands. Some were hard 
at work on turret lathes turning out fuses like tin 
tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be " society 
women," whatever that may mean, were doing work 
of a more difficult nature. They were dressed in 
khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young 



A NAVAL BATTLE— SERVICE AT SEA 13 

persons merely went about in a graceful manner 
wielding brooms, sweeping up the floor. There 
always seemed a young lady in front of one, sweep- 
ing up the floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a 
graceful sweep and saying, " Madam, permit me." 
I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer gun and 
carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies 
sitting behind it having a really good old gossip. 
They hopped up in some confusion and looked rather 
guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be called 
" pointing " when I worked in a machine shop. I saw 
the luncheon rooms provided for the women. When 
women do things there is always a graceful touch 
about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in 
charge of several of the plants I visited remarked 
that, generally speaking, the women were more easily 
managed than the men, except when they were closely 
related to the men, and that then awkward situations 
sometimes arose. I believe there is a lady in charge 
called a moral forewoman. 

The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap 
over their hair. Some of them hate this — naturally. 
A woman's glory has been alleged to be her hair, 
but this remark was made before the modern wig 
was developed, so I don't know whether it applies 
now or not. However, the order has to be insisted 
upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair 
caught in the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of 



14 OVER HERE 

her scalp. I won't vouch for the truth of this state- 
ment, but a full typed account of the accident was 
being circulated while I was visiting several large 
munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the 
ladies see, that while their glory might be manifested 
to the workmen for a time, there were certain risks of 
losing the glory altogether — and was it worth while? 

I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. 
In a weak endeavour to jump over a table, I caught 
my foot somehow or other, and came an awful 
cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but 
after three days in the hospital I started off on my 
journey. Later I received an army form charging 
me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent 
in Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, 
but I dare say they will get the money all right; 
however, I won't know about it, and that is all that 
matters. 

Finally, I returned to London, and after passing 
with some difficulty a rigid examination presided 
over by my chief, I lunched with him at the Reform 
Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian 
clothes. Later I met my Major's wife who was in a 
worried condition over one big thing and another 
little thing. The big trouble was caused by her hus- 
band's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell ; the little 
thing was caused by the fact that the Major's Aire- 
dale, Jack, had had an unfortunate incident with a 



A NAVAL BATTLE— SERVICE AT SEA 15 

harmless lamb, which made his stay in the country 
difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of 
Jack so that all her attention might be devoted to the 
Major. The next day, I took him home to the coun- 
try, hoping that the lady of the manor would suggest 
his staying there. She might have done so if he had 
shown an humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, 
disturbed the life out of the tiny moorhens, and, 
worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a dozen 
tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the 
manor, so I decided that he would have to go to 
America with me. I had few objections, but I re- 
gretted that he was so big. 

He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, 
but finally I got him safely on board the Cunarder. 
The captain seemed to like him all right, and so did 
many passengers, but he made much noise and eventu- 
ally had to spend the greater part of his life in an 
unpleasant dungeon on one of the lower decks. Here 
he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox 
terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the 
vo3^age, to seven little puppies, and the purser alleged 
that he would charge freight for eight dogs ; thereby 
showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or 
perhaps too much humour. 

These notes are being written during the last 
days of the journey. I am enjoying the whole thing. 
I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by another 



16 OVER HERE 

officer from the navy, a correspondent of the Daily 
Mail, and a Bostonian and his wife whom I love 
rather, since I have always liked Oliver Wendell 
Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned 
out in an English cut suit which he hates because it 
seems to him too loose. I think that he looks ripping. 
I always agree with his arguments, feeling it to be 
safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when 
he observed that America could equip an army in six 
weeks, that would lick any Continental army. Of 
course, this showed some optimism, and a great faith. 

We were comparatively happy, however, until the 
naval chap had an unfortunate altercation with the 
Bostonian. They both meant well, I am sure, but sea 
traveling often changes the mental perspective of 
people, and the Bostonian sought another table. 

We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking 
forward to seeing New York and the skyscrapers. 



II 

NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN 
ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. 

After passing through several days of dense fog 
we at last arrived off the Statue of Liberty, and com- 
menced to thread our way up the Hudson River. 

What a wonderful approach New York has. I 
felt that anything merely " American " ought not 
to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy and 
cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London 
and Tilbury Docks, where upon arrival one feels most 
depressed. For dear old London cannot impress a 
stranger when he first gets there. 

The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beau- 
tiful, sometimes white, sometimes rusty red, always 
gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous prod- 
ucts of engineering skill, they display architectural 
beauty. When man tries to vie with nature in mat- 
ters of beauty, he generally comes off second best, but 
the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at dusk 
approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. 
Cheery little puffs of snowy white steam float around, 
and when the lights start to twinkle from every win- 
dow one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the build- 

2 17 



18 OVER HERE 

ings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and 
decently untidy. 

Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fel- 
low and I were at a loss to know where to go, until we 
were met by an energetic looking man with a kindly 

face, called Captain H . I have never been able 

to decide whether this chap is an American citizen, an 
officer in the Canadian army, a sea captain, or what. 

This officer was a great help to us in getting 
through the customs. He expressed astonishment at 
the large amount of baggage possessed by the naval 
walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had 
travelled around the world with a " grip." We be- 
lieved it. I dared not tell him about Jack. I was 
unable to land that gentleman until he had been ap- 
praised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got 
into a taxi, an untidy looking conveyance, and com- 
menced to drive through the streets of New York to 
our hotel. I noted that the people living near and 
around the docks had almost a Southern European 
appearance. There seemed to be numbers of fruit 
stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades 
of variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey. 

We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our 
hotel. I am not going to give you now my impressions 
of New York. I always think that it is an imper- 
tinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt 
in it a few days. I thought, however, that the road 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 19 

seemed a bit bumpy, and I must admit that I disliked 
the taxicab. 

Arriving at the hotel we walked up some ele- 
gant steps and approached a place suggesting almost 
a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral. There 
was a counter in front, and behind it there stood sev- 
eral men, very clean looking and superior. With 
these our guide held converse. He spoke in a low and 
ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the 
desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, 
competent expression, did not lower his voice, but 
looked disdainfully at him and finally agreed to let us 
have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the 
" e " pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. 
Someone said that America having refused to have 
kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel clerks and head 
waiters in their places. 

We had a charming luncheon. During the meal 
we listened to perfectly ripping music. Amidst the 
sound of the violins and other things the soft tones of 
a pipe-organ could be heard ; the music was sweet and 
mellow and the players seemed to be hidden. As a 
matter of fact, they were in a gallery near the roof. 
Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear 
oneself speak. 

American food and its manner of being served 

differs from ours. I think it is much nicer. H 

ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We had 



20 OVER HERE 

clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets 
on the English coast, but are much larger. They are 
served daintily amidst a lot of mushy ice. One 
" eats " bread and butter throughout the meal in- 
stead of " playing " with it as we do. 

After luncheon, we went down town to interview 
our respective superiors. I found my chief in the 
Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of 
the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good 
deal of his Scotch accent left. I liked him at once, 
and we had a long chat about common friends in Eng- 
land. He put me in the hands of an Englishman 
whose duty it was to look after my reports, etc. This 
man seemed a keen sort of fellow. Unfortunately, he 
decided at once that I belonged to the effete aris- 
tocracy — why I don't know — and with his keen man- 
ner let me know it. He was the sort of man who 
makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely useless and 
unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As 
a matter of fact, I have been told that he has done a 
large amount of work for us and is a splendid chap. 

Later he confided to H , and H confided 

to us, that a man who could bring a well bred and 
valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war time 
could not possibly do any work. This was damning 
to start with, but it is easily understood. That type 
of man, possessing terrific will power allied to well de- 
veloped efficiency who has reached a good position, 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 21 

naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt 
the fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and 
who has not had similar struggles. However, he was 
very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his feelings, 
with little success, alas ! 

I spent four or five days in New York. I went to 
several shows, amongst others the Winter Garden 
and Ziegfeld's Follies ; they were very interesting. 
The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I 
do not know very much about art, but I am certain 
that what I saw would come under the heading of 
the Futurist School. There was a great deal that 
was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans 
seem to have a sense of fun rather than a sense of 
humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great deal. I 
thought that much of the dancing, and the perform- 
ance of the chorus generally, bordered on the risque. 
There seems, also, to be a type of comedienne who 
comes forward and talks to the people in a diverting 
way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes 
no attempt to look beautiful, but just says deliciously 
funny things. She is often seen and heard in America. 
I have also seen the same type at La Cigale in 
Montmartre. 

It is just a little difficult at first to get the same 
sort of tobacco here that one gets in England. The 
second day after my arrival in New York, I went into 
a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I 



22 OVER HERE 

spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind 
the counter a twenty dollar bill. Obviously, I was a 
little unused to American money, but I naturally ex- 
pected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave 
me four one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills 
with twenty-five written on them, and prepared to 
bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that the 
poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be 
honest I returned to him and said, " You have given 
me wrong change." He looked unconcerned, and go- 
ing to the cash register subtracted ten more one dollar 
bills. I was still more astonished and once more ex- 
amined my change. Then I understood that the small 
bills were .coupons, and the clever gentleman, realizing 
that I was a stranger and a little worried, had en- 
deavored to make money. Honesty in this case 
proved the best policy. 

I enjoyed these days. I met but few American 
people. I was very much overcome with admiration 
for New York, and I told this to an American friend. 
He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out cer- 
tain drawbacks. He said that the high buildings 
were rather awkward things, and that people walking 
about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly 
blown off their feet during a gale. They formed 
canons. He said that the lighting problem presented 
difficulties, too, and that he thought the health of the 
people might suffer a little if their da} r s were spent in 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 23 

artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he 
loved New York. 

The stores where soft drinks are sold are very 
charming. The drinks are wonderful and varied, and 
one sees what appear to be women of quality perched 
up on stools drinking what look to be the most de- 
licious drinks. I should like to test them, and I will 
some day when I find out their names. 

One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was 
very hot, so I entered what appeared to be a " sweet " 
shop. Buxom, handsome young women were behind 
the long counter, so I approached one and humbly 
asked for a "lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she 
barked, and looked annoyed. " A lemon squash," I 
repeated. She seemed to think that I was^ insulting 
her, and her friends gathered around. Finally I said : 
" Give me anything you like as long as it is cool." 
" Got yer check ? " she replied. I begged her pardon. 
Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind 
which another young lady sat, and I went over and 
confided in her. She smiled and explained that I 
really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I 
denied any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not 
phosphates used for agricultural purposes? This 
young lady was awfully decent and said, " How do 
you like York? " but before I could reply she said, 
" York ! It's the finest place in the world." I said I 
liked it very much indeed, but of course there were 



24 OVER HERE 

other places, and what sayeth the text, " One star 
differeth from another star in glory." All was going 
well until " Peanut," a tall animated straw I had 
known on the ship rushed in laughing like a jackass. 
He seemed to regard New York as something too 
funny for words, and giggled like an idiot. 

Now I am sure that these young ladies must be 
very nice, gentle, tame creatures to people who know 
them, but they frighten me. I desire only to please, 
but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I 
seem to insult them. Some day I am going to enter 
one of these stores and bark out my order and see 
what happens. 

I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. 

P , a sapper subaltern, conducted me down to 

the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage 
we left New York at nine o'clock. 

In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to 
cross the river to Jersey City. We got on board the 
ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street, and after a 
ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we 
reached Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. 
Arriving at Jersey City, we had a good deal of trouble 
with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed away in a 
baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in 
the Pullman. This was my first experience of Ameri- 
can trains. The thing I was most conscious of was 
the terrific heat. The windows were open but gauze 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 25 

screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in 
keeping most of the fresh air from entering. I do not 
like these American trains. One may not smoke in 
the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat 
to the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a 
rather small compartment. The thing that one is 
chiefly conscious of on entering this compartment is 
the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the 
train, and here I may say that the food arrangements 
on the American trains are excellent. One may order 
almost anything, and the service is very good. It is 
impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade, 
ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can 
get ices and cool things generally and, of course, 
" Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes like beer, but 
it " hab not the authority," as the coloured porter 
said. 

After a little over two hours' journey we reached 
Bethlehem. One's first impressions of the town are 
extremely depressing. Upon alighting from the train 
one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, 
peanut shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and 
incidentally a very untidy looking station building. 
The whole appearance around the place is suggestive 
not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt 
that life in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the 
station, would be extremely depressing. 

We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on 



26 OVER HERE 

in a wagon. I decided to stay for a time at the 
Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room 
" with." That means that I wanted a private bath- 
room. The clerk on this occasion was a good-looking 
boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall very pretty 
dark young lady. 

After getting settled in the room I then thought 
of Jack, and a negro boy offered to take him and 
lock him up in the garage behind the hotel. This was 

done and as P and I walked away from the hotel 

we could hear fierce barking and yelping. 

At the Steel Office, I met one or two< of the Steel 
Company officials and members of the British Inspec- 
tion Staff. We walked about throughout the plant 

and P introduced me to quite a number of the 

men. Later on I shall tell a deal about this great Steel 
Company, so I will not go into detailed descriptions 
now. 

These first days were strange and ought to have 
been interesting, and they were in many ways. Beth- 
lehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to be divided 
by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one 
side the place is almost suggestive of the East, or 
Southern Europe. There seem to be many cheerful 
electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in the 
form of avenues. 

I think that I will not describe towns and places, 
but rather tell of the people I meet and the impres- 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 27 

sions I glean of their characteristics. Of course, 
when I give you an impression it will be a purely local 
one. In the same way that it is impossible for a 
stranger in England to judge us from the writings 
of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters in 
the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will 
merely tell a little about the people living in a small 
town, and a town that has suddenly grown from im- 
portance as a religious centre to the insignificance of 
a great steel city, for it must be the products of this 
city that will interest the people at large. Now I have 
lived before in similar cities in our country, and I 
know that the attendants upon great steel furnaces 
are not at all insignificant, but possess all the inter- 
esting qualities that man is heir to. 

I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first 
return from the steel plant. He hated my dog and 
told me that the dog and I together made an impossi- 
ble combination for his house, and that I might stay 
if I insisted, but not with the dog. 

There was nowhere else to go so I decided that 
Jack would have to leave me. I hated it, but finally 
came to the conclusion that for a person seriously 
inclined to serve his country in America, a dog ap- 
proached being a nuisance. The petty official Ameri- 
can people don't seem to treat a dog with a great 
amount of respect. 

Fortunately, a friend — one of the steel officials — 



28 OVER HERE 

offered to look after him. Jack will guard the steel 
official's house and will have a happy home ; so that is 
all right. 

Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort 
of building with a low tower. From the base of the 
tower rise about eight pillars which support the bel- 
fry above, thus forming an open platform. 

At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by 
an extraordinary noise. At first it reminded me of a 
salvation army band being played, not very well. As 
I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at 
once jumped back to New Zealand days when I be- 
longed to a Bach Society in which we found great diffi- 
culty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to 
the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to 
the window saw a number of men standing on the plat- 
form blowing trombones with some earnestness. They 
played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. 
The general effect was pleasing. 

After breakfast I asked the landlord what the 
building opposite was, and he said it was the Moravian 
church. He told me that the Moravians had been 
in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they 
were a sect of sorts. I had often heard of strange 
sects generating in America like the Mennonites and 
Christian Scientists ; the Moravians must be a similar 
sect. 

I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 29 

any of my countrymen. I suppose that they are 

very busy with their families, and B , who has 

been showing me much attention, is away at the 
Pocono Mountains with some friends. I heard to- 
day that most of the people were returning from 
summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may 
prove interesting. I have met quite a number of the 

steel men. L has very kindly allowed me to have 

a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. 
I feel, however, that I may be in his way, but he does 
not seem to mind, so I suppose it is all right. 

On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I 
heard a band approaching and completing my toilet 
I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an extra- 
ordinary sight. First of all appeared two men rid- 
ing horses with untidy manes, but wearing an impor- 
tant aspect. Following them came a band playing a 
stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful 
procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white 
breeches, white blazers edged with purple, straw hats 
with a purple band and parasols made of purple and 
white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either 
white or purple. They marched in open formation 
keeping perfect time. The whole effect was extremely 
decorative. There were several hundred of them. I 
have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of 
secret society, and they were having a demonstration 
at Reading. 



30 OVER HERE 

The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Beth- 
lehem, love to process. (I realize the vulgarity of the 
verb " process," but I have got to use it.) Each Elk 
looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose 
the climate of this place is telling on the people. It 
would be difficult to imagine our tradesmen and busi- 
ness men doing a similar thing. I believe the idea is to 
keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tre- 
mendous value of enthusiasm and they seek to ex- 
ploit it. They know, too, how we humans all love to 
dress up, and so they do dress up. The people look- 
ing on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't 
quite know what the Elks exist for, but I suppose they 
form a mutual benefit society of sorts. I was thrilled 
with the performance, and hoped that similar pro- 
cessions would pass often. 

My work at the office, and throughout the shops 
keeps me very busy. It is all very new and I feel 
in a strange world. However, everywhere I go I am 
met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable. 

The people seem very interested in the war. It is 
difficult to get a true viewpoint of their attitude here. 
I was not deceived when a fat looking mature man 
said with a hoarse laugh that the United States defi- 
nition of neutrality was that " They didn't give a 
hang who licked the Kaiser first." Another American 
observed bitterly, " As long as Uncle Sam hasn't got 
to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 31 

people are perfectly content to carry on and are not 
very interested except to regard the war as a rather 
stale thrill. People of this type regard a decent mur- 
der or a fire in the same way. 

The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They 
have studied history and want to stick to Washing- 
ton's advice in regard to entangling alliances. They 
feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, 
and they are with us in the struggle. The entirely 
careless and futile persons take different attitudes 
each day. They sometimes " root " for us, espe- 
cially France, whom they regard as very much 
America's friend. At other times they take a de- 
pressed view, and think that the Boche will win the 
war. They sometimes wax rude and make that pecu- 
liarly insulting statement about the British fighting 
until the last Frenchman dies. 

I have not met many women here, but the few I 
have met seem to regard us as fools to fight over noth- 
ing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our suffer- 
ings, as women will. I met one lady last night who 
seemed to think that America would be drawn into 
the war owing to French and British intrigue, and 
she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had 
made her son's eyes a little wrong so that she would 
not lose him. She thinks that he will not be able to do 
much shooting. They are all very nice to me, and 
everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people 



32 OVER HERE 

to show too much kindness. I am astonished at the 
beauty of the houses here. They are all tastefully 
furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The 
houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite 
like English houses. Portieres often divide apart- 
ment from apartment, and upon festive occasions the 
whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. 
The effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a cer- 
tain snugness, and it must be difficult for the ser- 
vants not to hear everything that goes on. Perhaps 
the American people think it is a good idea to let 
their servants hear the truth, knowing that they will 
find out most things in any case. 

On the other side of the river and around the 
steel plant the people seem definitely foreign, and 
it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a Southern Euro- 
pean town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian, 
Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is 
unnecessary to look into the store in order to find out 
what is being sold. One need only look into the ditch 
running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting 
orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. 
Much straw and old pieces of cardboard with lengths 
of pink tape will indicate a draper's. Tufts of hair 
and burnt out matches will show where the barber 
shop is. 

The people all spit about the streets in this part 
of the town. I suppose the streets are cleaned some- 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 33 

times, but never very well. At any rate, the whole 
mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which 
accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the 
air and any citizen passing breathes it. The roads in 
this part of the town are full of shell craters and 
one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have 
been told that this cannot well be helped. 

The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of 
people and it is impossible to house them all. A 
doctor chap tells me that in many large rooming 
houses a bed has always at least two occupants during 
the twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to 
work in the morning, the fellow who has been working 
on night shift takes his place. I believe that soon the 
two parts of this town are going to join and that then 
they will form a city which will be able to borrow 
enough money to keep the place in first class order. 
The people are not poor and indeed there are some- 
times quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the 
ignorant foreigners keep all their money in a chest 
under their beds or hidden in some way. I hear that 
this was caused by clever German propaganda. The 
Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people 
that if the United States entered the war they would 
soon be strafed by the fatherland, and that in any 
case, the Government would pinch all of their money. 

Opposite the steel works office there are two 
photographic studios. All the people photographed 

3 



34 OVER HERE 

are of Southern European blood. One sees happy 
brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many 
corpses surrounded by sad but interested relatives. 
When one of these foreigners dies things change for 
him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined 
with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. 
His head rests on a great big cushion. The side of the 
coffin, called here a casket, is hinged and falls down, 
thus forming a couch, on which the dead person rests. 
Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can 
get there in time, group themselves around the corpse 
and are photographed. If the coffin is not a very 
convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the corpse, 
dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across 
his waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am 
sure, are looking their best. Sometimes a sweet wee 
baby can be seen in the picture, lying in its expensive 
coffin, while the father and mother and the other chil- 
dren stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horri- 
ble, I think. These gruesome photographs are ex- 
posed in the front window. It is a curious thing that 
the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good 
funeral. 

I expect, that within a couple of years, this town 
will be a beautiful city with parks and good roads. 
The climate is certainly good and the hills around 
are fine. The steel company now dominates the 
place, business has taken charge of the people here, 



ENTRANCE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 35 

but the natural beauty of this spot can never be 
changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man 
who arrived here many years ago. He was very 
much impressed with the beauty of the hills: 

" The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of 
October present a scene of gorgeous beauty almost 
beyond description. The foliage of the trees contains 
all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beau- 
tiful, if that is possible, because the colours are more 
diffused. Some trees, the pine, the hemlock, and the 
laurel still retain their vivid green; the sycamore its 
sombre brown ; the maple, the beauty of the wood and 
valley, is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, 
soon turn into a brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy 
oak is clothed in purple, the gum is dressed in brilliant 
red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of 
brightest crimson ; the beech with those of a delicate 
pale yellow almost white ; the chestnut a buff ; while 
the noble hickory hangs with golden pendants ; the 
dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of 
berries of a brighter red." 

In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still 
nests in a very lovely valley, and during the autumn 
the hills are just as gorgeously beautiful as when John 
Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the town. 



Ill 

SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS" 

Bethlehem, December 20, 1917. 

A Country Club seems to be an American insti- 
tution. We don't seem to have them. They are 
primarily for the folk who live in towns. American 
folk like to get together as much as possible and to be 
sociable. Please remember that all my friends here 
are steel people and generally rich. Some belong to 
quite old families, but whatever they are they have all 
got something attractive about them. 

It would be quite possible for most of them to 
build huge castles in the country, and to live there 
during the summer, away out from the noise and dirt ; 
but they don't. They like to be all together, so they 
build beautiful houses quite close up to the street, 
with no fences around them. Pleasant and well kept 
lawns go right down to the road, and anyone can walk 
on the grass. A single street possibly contains the 
houses of several wealthy families. They all rush 
about together and give wonderful dinners. As their 
number is not great, the diners ought to get a little 
tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have 
had the honour of attending many of these dinners. 
They are fine. The women dress beautifully, and often 



SOCIAL AMENITIES 37 

tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on, everyone 
talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and 
young. No one grows up here in America. It's fine 
to feel young. We start off in quite a dignified 
fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we 
are all happy and cheerful. 

It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good 
dinner. I suppose the object of a hostess is to make 
her guests happy. Most men here in Jericho work 
fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris 
or London to have a really hilarious time. In Beth- 
lehem a man can be amused at home with his own wife 
and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty and a 
king of industry, but that does not prevent him from 
being the j oiliest fellow in the world and brimming 
over with fun. 

Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most 
towns in this country. A man here becomes rich; 
he has attained riches generally because he is a thun- 
dering good fellow — a leader of men. That is the 
point. One used to think of a wealthy American man 
as a rather vulgar person with coarse manners. 
American men have good manners, as a rule. They 
have better manners than we have, especially towards 
women. 

Now the folk like to be in the country at times, 
but they don't care to be alone in enjoying it. 
Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is estab- 



38 OVER HERE 

lished about six miles out from a town. The actual 
building is large and tastefully decorated. It dis- 
plays American architecture at its very best. There 
are generally three large rooms with folding doors or 
portieres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor 
can be turned into a dancing room with tables all 
around, so that one may both dance and eat. Dinner 
starts off mildly ; one gets through the soup, looks 
at one's partner and mentally decides how many 
dances one will have with her. She may be fat, 
slender, skinny, beautiful ; she may be old, middle 
aged, or a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. 
It is all interesting. If one's partner is nineteen or 
twenty she can dance well, and it behooves a new man 
to be careful. 

I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I 
can't at present dance anything else but the one- 
step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to confine 
myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who real- 
ize the situation, and we dash around in a cheerful 
manner, much to the annoyance of the debutante. I 
have not danced with any very young people yet. 
I would not dare. 

If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the 
first halt, caused by the orchestra stopping, a young 
male friend of hers will " cut in " on you, and you are 
left, and your opportunity of dancing with madem- 
oiselle for more than one length of the room is gone. 



SOCIAL AMENITIES 39 

American young men will never allow a debutante to 
suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch of 
young friends to " cut in " if you are seen dancing 
with her. It is all done very gracefully. To dance 
with an American debutante requires skill. She 
dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with 
the music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs 
you must not be at all rough. You must let your 
feet become as elastic as hers and delicately and gently 
swing with the music. 

Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now 
in vogue, there is nothing that is not nice about these 
dances when danced by two young people. If your 
partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance 
for very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches 
with a smile and says to you, "May I cut in?" 
She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs 
this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it 
occurred to me I replied, " Certainly not." I now 
know that I was guilty of a breach of etiquette. 

If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, 
there is no danger of being " cut in " on. If your 
object in dancing with a lady is purely a matter of 
duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to 
" cut in " on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise 
for them. Ungallant this, but it ensures the lady 
having a dance with several people which perhaps 
she would not otherwise get, and she understands. 



40 OVER HERE 

Generally speaking there are no " wall flowers." They 
retire upstairs to powder their noses. 

There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, 
who dances about with a cheery fellow her own age. 
Enjoyment shines from their faces as they one-step, 
suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady 
wears a broad hat suitably decorated and a " shirt- 
waist " of fitting dimensions. A string of pearls en- 
circles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and 
beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must 
be a great compensation to a woman at her prime — 
her feet. They can be made charming when nicely 
decorated. The face is generally good looking and 
sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, 
and perhaps just a little rouged. One sees some won- 
derful diamonds, too. 

Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely 
owing to American cocktails. We can't make cock- 
tails in England as they do in America, and that is a 
fact. The very names given to them here are attrac- 
tive: Jack Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, 
and numerous others. They are well decorated, too. 

The really exciting time at a country club is on 
Saturday night. In Bethlehem where there are no 
theatres, all the fashionable folk motor out to the 
country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space 
is fairly crowded and a little irritating for the debu- 
tantes. Still they are quite good-natured about it 



SOCIAL AMENITIES 41 

and only smile when a large freight locomotive in the 
form of mama and papa collides with them. 

After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an 
entree, the music starts, and if your partner consents, 
you get up and dance for about ten minutes and then 
return to the entree, now cold. This goes on during 
the whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion. 

After dinner we all leave the tables and spread 
ourselves about the large rooms. The ladies gen- 
erally sit about, and the men go downstairs. This 
presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is 
spent upstairs with the women folk. Dancing gen- 
erally goes on until about midnight, and then the 
more fashionable among us go into the house of a 
couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have 
quite diverting times. Finally at about two o'clock 
we adjourn to our respective homes and awake in the 
morning a little tired. However, this is compensated 
for by the cocktail party the next day. 

What pitfalls there are for the unwary ! 

One night, during a party at the club, a very 
great friend of mine asked me to come over to her 
house at noon the next day. I took this, in my ignor- 
ance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morn- 
ing I called her up and said that I had forgotten at 
what time she expected me to lunch. " Come along 
at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds 
of people there and wondered how they were all going 



42 OVER HERE 

to be seated at the table, and then I understood. I 
tried to leave with the others at about twelve forty- 
five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to 
stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing 
to my mentioning lunch when I called up. Still it was 
a little awkward. 

About cocktail parties — well, I don't quite know. 
I rather suspect that they are bad things. They 
always seem to remind me of the remark in the Bible 
about the disciples when they spake with tongues and 
some one said : " These men are wine bibbers." I 
rather think that cocktail parties are a form of wine 
bibbing. Still they play an important part in the 
life of some people, and I had better tell you about 
them. As a matter of fact, quite a large number 
of people at a cocktail party don't drink cock- 
tails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very 
small shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a 
cocktail party is the Bronx or Martini variety. The 
former consists, I believe, largely of gin and orange 
juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly 
walk about and chat about nothing in particular. 
They are generally on their way home from church 
and nicely dressed. 

It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. 
Our breeding gives us all a certain reserve of strength 
to stick to our ideals. A few cocktails, sometimes 
even one, helps to knock this down and the results 



SOCIAL AMENITIES 43 

are often regrettable. People talk about things 
sometimes that are usually regarded as sacred and 
there are children about, for the next in power after 
madame in an American household is the offspring 
of the house. Still quite nice American girls drink 
cocktails, although nearly always their men folk dis- 
like it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never seen a 
girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. 
That is what I love about my friends in Bethlehem. 
Some of them have had a fairly hard struggle to get 
on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but 
they are firmly decided in their effort to give their 
daughters every opportunity to be even more per- 
fect gentlewomen than they are naturally. Still 
some quite young American girls drink cocktails 
and then become quite amusing and very witty, 
and one decides that they are priceless companions, 
but out of the question as wives. 

When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish 
girl, there are often difficulties before she becomes 
accustomed to her new environment. Neither Amer- 
ican people nor English people expect any difficulties 
at all when their children intermarry. And yet they 
do occur, and are either humourous or tragic, quite 
often the latter. So I would say to the Britisher, If 
you ever marry an American girl, look out. She 
will either be the very best sort of wife a man 
could possibly have, or she will be the other thing. 



44 OVER HERE 

It will be necessary for you to humour her as much 
as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she 
requires good hands. Don't marry her unless you 
love her. Don't marry her for her money, or you will 
regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full value 
for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may 
believe you to be a member of the aristocracy, and she 
will expect to go about in the very best society in 
London. If you are not a member of the smart set 
and take her to live in the country she may like it all 
right, but the chances are that she will cry a good 
deal, get a bad cold, which will develop into consump- 
tion, and possibly die if you don't take her back to 
New York. She will never understand the vicar's 
wife and the lesser country gentry, and she will loathe 
the snobbishness of some of the county people. In 
the process, she will find you out, and may heaven help 
you for, as Solomon said : " It is better to live on the 
housetop than inside with a brawling woman," and 
she will brawl all right. I have heard of some bitter 
experiences undergone by young American women. 

There is, of course, no reason in the world why 
an English fellow should not marry an American girl 
if he is fond of her and she will have him. But it is a 
little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here 
with a title and is purchased by a young maiden with 
much money, possibly several millions, and he takes 
her back to Blighty. Some American girls are fool- 



SOCIAL AMENITIES 45 

ish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her 
attitude towards things in general. He does not 
know it, of course, but she has not been received by 
the very nicest people in her own city, not because 
they despise her, but merely because they find the 
people they have known all their lives sufficient. You 
see it is a little difficult for the child. In America she 
has been, with the help of her mother perhaps, a social 
mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing 
experience for anyone, especially in America, but we 
all do it a little, I suppose. It is a poor sort of busi- 
ness and hardly worth while. When this child ar- 
rives in England she may be definitely found wanting 
in the same way that she may have been found want- 
ing in American society, and she is naturally disap- 
pointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take 
certain steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and pos- 
sibly she will elope with the chauffeur, all of which 
will be extremely distressing, though it will be the 
fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite 
a lot, but she will probably never understand him. 
I am not sure that she will always be willing to 
suffer. Why should she ? 



IV 

"VERT'S LIGHTS" 
Bethlehem, December 20, 1917. 

I am steadily becoming a movie " fan," which 
means that when Douglas Fairbanks, or Charlie Chap- 
lin, or other cheerful people appear on the screen at 
the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting 
quite close up and enjoying myself. It is all very in- 
teresting. One sort of gets to know the people, and in- 
deed to like them. The movies have taken up quite a 
large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to 
do something, and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at 
home presents but few attractions. The people in 
film land are all interesting. 

There is the social leader. I always love her. 
Her magnificent and haughty mien thrills me always, 
as with snowy hair, decent jewels and what not, she 
proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am 
not going to talk about the vampire. 

Film stories can be divided into three classes — 
the wild and woolly, the crazy ones, as we call them 
here, and the society dramas with a human interest; 
and, I forgot, the crook stories. 

The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John 
Devereaux, bored with his New York home, and his 



VERY'S LIGHTS 47 

gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a friend 
out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks 
like a spider on wheels driven by a white haired per- 
son wearing a broad brimmed hat and decorated with 
several pistols or even only one. He seems to find 
himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked- 
looking though charming young ladies are dancing 
with fine handsome young fellows, all armed to the 
teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the cor- 
ner of the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, 
talking to as nice looking a young person as one could 
possibly meet. The dancing seems to stop, and then 
follows a " close up " of the nice looking young per- 
son. (A little disappointing this " close up." A 
little too much paint mademoiselle, n'est ce pas, on the 
lips and under the eyes?) Then a " close up " of the 
boss. This is very thrilling and the widest possibili- 
ties of terrible tilings shortly to happen are presented 
to us fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it 
from one side of his mouth to the other. They both 
discuss John Devereaux and then follows a " close 
up " of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and 
his fine well-made sporting suit fits him well and 
shows off his strong figure. 

But wait till you see him on a horse which has 
not a good figure, but an extremely useful mouth 
that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as 
he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission 



48 OVER HERE 

to movie actors in horse management, and I am going 
to dare to tell them that to make a horse come round 
quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it 
is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I 
am also going to teach them how to feed a horse so 
that his bones don't stick out in parts even if he is a 
wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach 
them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an 
awful thing to jag your spurs into his flanks and 
make him go like hell. I suppose they will enjoy my 
mission, and it will have the same success that all 
missions have — but this by the way. 

John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I 
like him from the start, and I am greatly comforted 
when I know that the charming young person will 
throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his 
money and live for a few sad days in extremely old- 
fashioned but becoming clothes (generally a striped 
waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and then 
marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted 
and retire, feeling that the world without romance 
would be a dull place. 

I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies 
taking headers into deep ponds. I love to see inno- 
cent fruit sellers getting run into by Henry Ford 
motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing 
and then suddenly leaving their office and rushing like 
fury along the road after — Charlie Chaplin. Give 
me crazy movies. They are all brimming over with 



VERY'S LIGHTS 49 

the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity 
that they are generally so short, but I suppose the 
actors get tired after a time. 

The society pictures must impress greatly the 
tired working woman; a little pathetic this, really. 
Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the four hun- 
dred, but if they live as the movie people live it must 
be strangely diverting to be a noble American. The 
decorations in their houses must supply endless hours 
of exploration, and the wonderful statuary must help 
one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well 
sons, but I did not know they had such amusing 
times. 

In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful 
southern home with white pillars and his innocent 
playmate, very pretty and hopeful and nicely gowned, 
and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cam- 
bridge and Oxford presented the same number of pos- 
sibilities. Here he meets the vampire, horrid and 
beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his 
innocent father and mother solemnly opening the 
family Bible and saying a few choice prayers, while 
the playmate worries in the background, praying 
fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rend- 
ing when the pretty playmate retires to her room, 
puts on the most lovely sort of garment all lace and 
things, and after praying and looking earnestly at a 
crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove 
her slippers. Then the scene stops and she probably 

4 



50 OVER HERE 

curses the fellow working the lights if he has not got 
a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. 
But don't worry, she marries the son all right. The 
vamp dies, probably punctured by a bullet from an 
old " rough neck " accomplice, or a married man. 

The court scenes present wonderful possibilities 
for the services of some dear old chap as judge. He 
is an awful nice old fellow. 

They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a 
rather decent sort of chap called Ray appears in 
them and he has a cleansing influence. There is also a 
lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides 
being good looking she can act wonderfully and is 
always natural. I can stand any sort of society 
drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are 
peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and 
not nearly as good looking as the leading man in the 
best male chorus in New York. 

The crook stories are fine. They take place 
mostly in underground cellars. I love the wicked 
looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink a 
great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes 
which thrill one, and plenty of policemen and clever 
looking inspectors and so on. 

Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society 
in many ways. People like Douglas Fairbanks are a 
great joy to us all. The people who write his plays 
have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts 
most in all things with every one. And so he laughs 



VERY'S LIGHTS 51 

his way along the screen journey, and we all enter 
into movie land, where the sun is shining very brightly 
and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice 
houses, and meet only nice people with just a few 
villains thrown in, whom we can turn into nice people 
by smiling at them. He changes things for us some- 
times. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through 
different eyes and she gives his hand a good hard 
squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan, really. 

Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. 
Fathers are often a little hard, but they come round 
all right or get killed in an exciting accident. Gen- 
erally they come round. The parsons worry me a 
little. Being a zealous member of the Church of 
England, I object strongly to the sanctimonious air 
and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers in 
movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, 
and a little promiscuously, I think. 

Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be 
good and dull, most of the movie theatres are a little 
impossible in Blighty. I wonder why. In New Zealand 
there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they 
are even better, but if you venture into one in London 
you want to get out quick. Here in America they 
are ventilated, and there is generally a pipe organ to 
help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well 
played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the 
music blend well together and one can get into " Never 
Never Land " quite easily and comfortably. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 
Bethlehem, U. S. A., January 25, 1917. 

On the twenty-second day of last month, I was 
preparing to spend a comparatively happy Christ- 
mas at the house of some friends who possessed many 
children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Super- 
intendent of Shop No. 2, who, after greeting me in an 
encouraging manner, said, " Lootenant, I am very 
glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up 
by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trun- 
nion bearings. Would it be possible for you to run 
out there and see how they are getting on, and per- 
haps you could get them to send a few sets on by ex- 
press? " 

That Assistant Superintendent never did like me. 

Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at 
least twenty-four hours by train, so it looked as 
though my merry Christmas would be spent in a Pull- 
man. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a work- 
house, for even there " the cold bare walls " are al- 
leged to be " bright with garlands of green and holly," 
and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists 
reciting that " piece " to help to form a " pleasant 
sight." But Christmas Day in a Pullman ! And 
52 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 53 

worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with the 
snorers. Mon Dieu ! 

If a person snores within the uttermost limit of 
my hearing, I must say good-bye to sleep, no matter 
how tired I may be. It is a strange thing how many 
otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America 
has for me one disadvantage — the fact that one has 
to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh dresser, in the same 
compartment with about forty people, six of whom 
surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the 
merchant prince, the angry, pugnacious bark of the 
" drummer," the mature grunt of the stout lady, and 
the gentle lisp-like snore of the debutante. You can't 
stop them. One would expect " Yankee ingenuity " 
to find a way out. 

I think that there ought to be a special padded 
Pullman for the snoring persons. It ought to be 
labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way would 
be to have the car called " Sonora." Then all people 
should carry with them a small card labelled, " The 
bearer of this pass does not snore," and then the 
name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a grama- 
phone company without the advertisement " His 
Master's Voice." You see a person could be placed in 
a room, and at the moment of sinking into somnolence, 
a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out 
in the morning. 

Or perhaps the label would read, " The bearer 



54 OVER HERE 

of this card snores." Then the gramaphone com- 
pany might advertise a little with the familiar " His 
Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label 
if you were a non-snorer, and then to be placed in the 
special sleeper. Perhaps there might be a " neutral " 
car for the partial snorers. 

I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a 
large man and his large wife, and they were both de- 
termined snorers. They used to run up and down the 
scale and never started at the bottom together. It 
was a nice mathematical problem to work out when 
they met in the centre of the scale. 

As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a 
Pullman when the train gets going, because you can- 
not hear it then, but sometimes in an optimistic frame 
of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours 
before the train starts. Your optimism is never justi- 
fied, for sure enough, several people start off. It is 
useless to hold your hands to your ears ; you imagine 
you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing yourself 
with patience, you read a book, until the train starts. 
Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train 
develops a hot box, and you awake once more to the 
same old dreary noises. I hope that soon they will 
have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought 
to be supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he 
makes his rounds of inspection, he should push the 
noisy people into other positions. This would look 
very interesting. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 55 

However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded 
the train at Bethlehem on its way to Buffalo and no 
hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very peaceful 
night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear 
old lady mistook my berth for hers, and placed her 
knee on my chest, and got an awful fright. That is 
one of the advantages of taking an " upper " over 
here. You have time to head off night walkers be- 
cause they have got to get the step-ladder, the 
Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you hear 
them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer 
the little stateroom cars we have in England, I must 
admit that the beds in a Pullman are very large and 
well supplied with blankets and other comforts. 

I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about 
the war with the man who counted most, I suggested 
that he would be doing us all a great favour if he sent 
a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He 
said, " Sure ! " I love that American word " Sure." 
There is something so intimate, so encouraging about 
it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a wonderful 
city and the people whom I met there awfully decent. 

I went through several factories, and I must ad- 
mit that I have seen nothing in this country to com- 
pare with them. There are vaster plants in the East, 
but for the display of really efficient organization, 
give me Detroit. I liked the careful keenness dis- 
played. There is something solid, something lasting 



56 OVER HERE 

about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite of its 
newness. It is always alleged in the East that the 
Middle West is notoriously asleep in regard to 
national duty, but I rather suspect that if the time 
arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like 
Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the 
rapid producers. 

Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor 
car factory here where he lets loose upon an aston- 
ished world and grateful English vicars of little 
wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamen- 
tal, metal arm breakers called by the vulgar " fliv- 
vers," and by the more humorous " tin Lizzies." Hav- 
ing heard so much about this plant, I denied myself 
the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is 
very wonderful. 

All these remarks are merely offensive impressions 
and carry but little weight even in my own mind. Still 
I definitely refuse to regard the Middle West as asleep 
to national duty. 

I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally suc- 
ceeded in leaving that fair city ; and still dreading to 
spend Christmas day in a Pullman I made up my mind 
to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario. Inci- 
dentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in 
the following words : " Have sent by express four sets 
of trunnion bearings. A merry Xmas to you." 

While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 57 

its best hotel, I cannot for a single moment admire, 
or even respect, the time-table kept by the trains that 
ran through its beautiful station last month around 
Christmas. 

I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to 
depart at twelve o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at 
eleven-fifty. " You're cutting things pretty fine," 
said the chauffeur, " but I guess we will make it all 
right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty 
rapid rate and I thought the driver deserved the 
extra quarter that I gladly gave to him. I placed 
my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped : 
" Has the train gone? " My worry was quite un- 
necessary. In the great hall of the station there 
were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites 
going off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many 
others. The train that should have gone six hours 
before had not arrived. There were no signs of mine. 
It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told 
about it. Other trains were marked up as being an}'- 
thing from three to six hours overdue. 

After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office 
for about an hour, I at last got within speaking dis- 
tance of the man behind the desk marked " Informa- 
tion." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His 
chin was twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. 
Noting my sympathetic glance, he told me that an 
enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he were not 



58 OVER HERE 

assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame 
him for the trains being late. He denied all responsi- 
bility, while admitting the honour. He said that he 
was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been sent 
off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment 
he collapsed and was carried away on a stretcher, 
muttering, " They ain't my trains, feller." Never 
was such a night. I made several life long friends. 
All the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attend- 
ant women had quite lost their tempers and quarreled 
with anyone who looked at all annoyed. 

After waiting about five hours, I became a little 
tired. I was past being annoyed, and expected to 
spend my life in that station hall, so I sought food in 
the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, 
they opened as if by magic and two good looking, 
cheery faced boys stood on each side like footmen 
and said : " Good evening, Cap." 

" Ha ! " thought I to myself, " what discernment ! 
They can tell at once that I am a military man," so I 
smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how they 
knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They 
looked astonished, but quickly regaining their com- 
posure, asked what regiment I belonged to. I told 
them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They 
introduced me to several friends who gathered round, 
and fired many questions at me in regard to the war. 
Amongst their number was a huge person of kindly 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 59 

aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was 
the captain of their football team and a very great 
person. He said but little. They explained that they 
were members of a dramatic club, and that they had 
given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great 
deal, and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, 
and insignificant aspect remarked : " You British will 
fight until the last Frenchman dies." He laughed as he 
said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to 
prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when 
they insult a person. It is the laugh of a servant, a 
laugh which prevents a man from getting really an- 
noyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon 
him and I merely said lightly : " There are many fools 
going about but it is difficult to catalogue their 
variety until they make similar remarks to yours." 

The large football player was particularly an- 
noyed with that chap and the others remarked that he 
was a " bloody German." We were much too tired 
and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these 
youths that they were very keen to get across to the 
other side, to fight the Boche. 

We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they 
wanted to sell Canada so great was the admiration 
they expressed. They envied the Canadians their op- 
portunity to fight the Germans. They praised the 
country, its natural resources and beauty. They 
admired the Englishness of their neighbors. This is 



60 OVER HERE 

an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met 
cannot speak too highly of the Canadians. I have 
heard American women talking with the greatest of 
respect about our nation as represented by our people 
in Canada and Bermuda. 

After a couple of hours these fellows went off, ex- 
pressing a desire to take me with them. In fact, two 
of them tried hard to persuade me to go to Chicago 
in their special. Evidently they had had a good 
supper. I hope that I shall meet the large football 
chap again. 

At about seven in the morning my train at last 
appeared, and as the sun was rising, I climbed into my 
upper berth while the fellow on the lower groaned, 
stating that he had the influenza, called " the grip " 
over here. This sounded encouraging, for I expected 
to breathe much of his air. 

I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought 
the Inn called Clifton. It is run very much on Eng- 
lish lines and suggests a very large country cottage in 
Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a 
wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard 
roaring in the distance. I had seen them before, so I 
promptly had a very hot bath and lay down and went 
to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its un- 
even roof. 

I am not going to describe the Falls. They are 
too wonderful and too mighty for description, but 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 61 

they are not too lovely and not too wonderful as a 
great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans 
from building great power houses on the cliffs around, 
and so marring their beauty. 

I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met 
several Canadian men with their women folk who had 
come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They were 
very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. 
One lady remarked that it was a very good idea to 
want to spend Christmas with my own people. This 
was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends 
who had gone over to Canada to do harvesting dur- 
ing the long vacations from Oxford and Cambridge 
had hated it. It told me one great thing, however, 
that the Canadian people had grown to know us 
better, and had evidently decided that every stray 
home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but 
might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of 
speaking English, be a comparatively normal person 
possessing no greater number of faults than other 
mortals. I found these people very interesting, and 
one very charming lady introduced me to the poetry 
of Rupert Brooke. She had one of his volumes of 
poetry containing an introduction detailing his life. 

I read this introduction with much interest. It 
spoke about the river at Cambridge, just above 
" Byron's Pool " — a very familiar spot. I had often 
plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and 



62 OVER HERE 

had even cooked moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will 
admit that my ignorance of Rupert Brooke and his 
genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can 
only murmur with the French shop keepers " c*est la 
guerre" These people made me very much at home 
and they all had a good English accent — not the af- 
fected kind, but a natural sort of accent. 

American people then came in for their share of 
criticism. The Canadians are learning many les- 
sons from us. I think, of course, that America ought 
to be in this war, but I do know that all my American 
men friends would give their last cent to make the 
President declare war, and I have learnt not to men- 
tion the subject. 

They were very sympathetic about my having to 
live with the Yankees. One very nice man said with 
a smile, I fear of superiority : " And how do you like 
living with the Yankees ? " 

I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate 
heroics, and I distrust the person who praises his 
friends behind their backs with too great a show of 
enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and sus- 
picious. Besides, I desired to be effective, to " get 
across " with praise of my American friends, so I 
merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the 
Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. 
This took me a long time. They accepted the rebuke 
like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought the 
feeling about America was very interesting. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 63 

Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this 
to a friend and he said that he knew about the feel- 
ing, but he explained that it was really a pose, and 
was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution 
days when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then 
gathered that my Canadian friends were merely 
" high flying after fashion," like Mrs. Boffin in " Our 
Mutual Friend." 

I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed 
singing " God Save the King." The minister spoke 
well, but like the American clergy, he preached an 
awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly 
and rapidly over here except the sermons. 

I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers 
and was asked by a buxom lass where my uniform 
was, and why was I not fighting for the King. I felt 
slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating 
until a youth in uniform barged into me and passed 
rude remarks about my clothing generally. 

This was too much for my temper, so I strafed 
him until he must have decided that I was at least a 
colonel in mufti. He will never be " fresh " to a 
stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be 
c ourt-m artialled. 

The next day I had influenza, and I remembered 
my friend in the train at Detroit. However, I went to 
Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat at a 
large store. I am not a very small person, but evi- 



64 OVER HERE 

dently the attendant disliked me on sight. After he 
had tried about three coats on me he remarked pleas- 
antly that they only kept men's things in his depart- 
ment, so I strafed him, and left Canada by the very 
next train. I felt furious. However, I recognised a 
man I knew on the train whom I had seen at Pop- 
peringe near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the 
Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about 
old days in " Flounders." He was the dining-room 
steward. He healed my wounded pride when I told 
him about the coat incident and said : " Why didn't 
you crack him over the head, sir ! Those sort of fel- 
lows come in here with their ' Gard Darm ' — but I 
don't take it now. No, sir ! " Still it was fine to visit 
Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud 
of the Empire. 

Now in the days of peace I should have come 
away from Canada with a very firm determination 
never to visit the place again, but the war has 
changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to 
get back to my Yankee and well loved friends who 
don't mind my " peculiar English twang " a bit. 

I was urged one night at a country club to join a 
friend at another table — to have a drink of orangeade. 
I showed no signs of yielding, so my friend — he was a 
great friend — said, " Please, Mac, come over, these 
fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to 
listen to my words of wisdom? Not a bit ! It was my 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 65 

accent they wanted. But there was no intention of 
rudeness ; the fellow was too much my friend for that, 
but he wanted to interest his companions. Some- 
times I have apologised for my way of speaking, re- 
marking that I could not help it, and at once every 
one has said, " For the love of Mike, don't lose your 
English accent." Perhaps they meant that as a 
comedian I presented possibilities. 

It might be a good idea to give you a few impres- 
sions of the folk in Bethlehem. Obviously they can be. 
little else than impressions, and they can tell you 
little about Americans as a whole. The people of 
Bethlehem divide themselves roughly into six groups — 
the Moravians (I place them first), the old nobility, 
the new aristocracy, the great mass of well-to-do 
store-keepers and the like, the working class of 
Americans, largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the 
strange mixture of weird foreigners who live in South 
Bethlehem near and around the steel works. 

But let me tell you about the Moravians; they 
have been awfully good to me during the four months 
I have lived with them. Just to live in the same town 
with them helps one quite a lot. 

It is possible that some of my statements may be 
inaccurate, but I have had a great deal to do with 
them, and I don't think that I shall go very far 
wrong. 

Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of 

5 



66 OVER HERE 

England. Obviously large numbers of her friends 
and relations visited her during her reign. Wj^cliff 
became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, 
being interested in most of the things they saw, doubt- 
lessly had the opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. 
A man of undoubted personality, otherwise he would 
not have lived very long, he must have impressed the 
less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss 
who was a very religious person. The whole thing is 
interesting. These Bohemians saw numbers of the 
aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Pos- 
sibly they did not understand the intrigue under- 
lying the business, but they could not have regarded 
Wycliff's movement as anything else but a fashion- 
able one. 

John Huss returned to Bohemia and established 
a church, or reorganised an older church. For the 
benefit of those members of the Church of England 
and the members of the Episcopal church of America 
who regard a belief in Apostolic succession as neces- 
sary to their souls' salvation, it might be well to add 
that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated by 
another bishop. After a time they ceased to be re- 
garded with favour by the Church of Rome in Bo- 
hemia, in spite of their fashionable origin, so they 
grew and multiplied. 

Still their struggles were great, and one wonders 
whether they could have continued to thrive if it had 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 67 

not been for a friend who appeared upon the scene to 
act as their champion. The friend was a certain 
Count Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them 
to establish a small settlement upon his estates at 
Herenhorf. 

If they were anything like my friends, their de- 
scendants in Bethlehem, he must have loved them very 
much. One can easily picture the whole thing. They 
were normal persons ; they displayed no fanaticism ; 
they had a simple ritual, and they must have had 
among their numbers members of the best families in 
Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They 
had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply 
but nicely. A young lady after marriage wore a 
pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before marriage 
she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old 
pictures in the archives of the church here in Bethlehem 
of the sweetest old ladies in the world, mostly wearing 
the blue ribbon. The artist must have been a Mora- 
vian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional ; 
the hands dead and lifeless with pointed fingers — you 
know the sort of thing — but the faces are wonderfully 
drawn. They have all got something characteristic 
about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they 
look as though they were a little bored with posing, 
and one can perhaps get an idea of their respective 
natures, by the way they regard the artist. I felt 
that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers. 

Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much con- 



68 OVER HERE 

verted, and, possibly knowing William Penn, he ob- 
tained permission for the Moravians to settle here in 
Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I 
don't know much about their early life in America, 
but they chose the sweetest spot in this valley for 
their home. They settled on the north side of the 
Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several 
tributaries helped them to grind their corn. They 
converted the Indians largely. At any rate, if you 
go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of 
many of the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, 
Tschoop, lies in this cemetery. I sometimes stroll 
through this sacred square and read the weird old in- 
scriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her 
grave in the middle of the pathway so that people 
passing may be influenced just a little by the remarks 
made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, 
isn't it? I could write pages about the Moravians, 
but time and the fact that I may bore you, and so 
kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from say- 
ing very much. 

Trombones mean almost everything to a Mora- 
vian. To be a member of the trombone choir is the 
highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to. Per- 
haps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the 
huge steel works now taking complete control of 
Bethlehem will prevent the boys from regarding the 
thing as a terrific honour. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 69 

A member of this choir has much to attend to. 
When a sister or a brother dies, the fact is announced 
to the brethren by the playing of a simple tune. At 
the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All 
announcements are made from the tower with the aid 
of the trombone choir. I cannot say they always 
play well. I am afraid I don't mind very much, but 
the thing in itself is very interesting. 

I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a 
man's house on the last day of the old year. At five 
minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of revellers and 
rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock 
was ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. 
A minister was talking, thanking God for all the good 
things of the past years and asking His help in the 
coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all 
right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next 
year would bring. I remembered my last New Year's 
Eve at the front — it was getting a little depressing. 
Finally there were left but two seconds of the old 
year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. 
A mighty burst of music crashed through the air. 
The trombones were playing " Now Thank We All 
Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced 
to join in. Depression vanished as in stately fashion 
we all sang the wonderful hymn. 

I went back to the party. Most of the people were 
still there. They were a handsome crowd of men and 



70 OVER HERE 

women, great friends of mine for the most part. They 
seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the 
year would bring for us all. I wondered if America 
would be drawn into the war, and I wondered which 
crowd of people would be better able to bear the 
strain of war — the folk in the Moravian church, or 
the people at the cheery party. I think I can guess. 
The cheery folk represent the type who will get de- 
pressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of 
rumours. They will be the people who will learn to 
hope most quickly. They will regard every small vic- 
tory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hope- 
less defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find 
a new life opening up for them. Still I wonder. 

But the Moravians will take things as they come. 
They will be the folk who will encourage and help. 
They will be able to stand anything — sorrow and joy, 
and treat them in the same way. They will give 
their sons willingly and gladly, and their men will 
make the very best kind of soldiers. Perhaps it is 
wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the United 
States should enter this war, amongst the certain 
quantities of this country, the Moravians will have 
an important place. They are mostly of Teutonic 
origin, but at the moment their sj^mpathies are all 
with us. They like England and the English, and 
when I say England and the English I mean Britain 
and the Britons. George II was kind to them, I be- 
lieve, and they live a great deal in the past. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 71 

I have the honour of knowing several of the trom- 
bone choir. I must tell you about Brother L . 

I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of the 
trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small 
and has a black pointed beard. He is getting on in 
years now, and always suggests to my mind that pic- 
ture of Handel as a boy being found playing the 
harpsichord in the attic. You may find it difficult to 
see the connection. I am not sure that I do myself. 
One always feels, however, that hidden away in that 
little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought 
to have had a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the con- 
nection lies in the fact that I first met him after he 

had just finished giving Mrs. U 's son a lesson on 

the trombone. Mrs. U 's husband is not a Mora- 
vian, but the wife is equal to at least two of them, so 

that makes things equal. Brother L is employed 

at the steel works, and as I was getting into an auto- 
mobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a 
pond near by to do some skating, I saw brother 

L waiting for a trolley car. I offered him a lift 

which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car 
to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street 
he would reach the cemetery, his destination, at just 
the right moment, for an old sister was being buried. 
My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him 
standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I 
fear he must have got frozen, for he had to wait ten 



72 OVER HERE 

minutes. Strangely enough he has never forgotten 
the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the 
world he would not do for me. It is a funny and 
strange thing that when one tries to do big things for 
people, often there is little gratitude shown, but little 
things that cause one no trouble often bring a tre- 
mendous reward far outweighing the benefit. 

Now Brother L is an American and we who 

dare to criticise our cousins never meet this type 
abroad. He, with many of his brother and sister 
Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tre- 
mendous argument why I should never say an unkind 
word about the children of Uncle Sam. I have no 
desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very 
much. Before I finish wearing you out with these 
descriptions of my friends I must tell you all about 
the " Putz." 

One night I was the guest of a local club. It 
was early in December and we were spending an 
extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock, 
all the women folk having departed, one fellow came 
up to me and said : " Say, Captain, we have a barrel 
of sherry in the cellar, would you like a glass? " A 
small party had collected near me at the time, so we 
all descended to a sort of catacomb where a small 
barrel of sherry was enthroned. I took a glass and 
found it very dry, and not very nice. I was offered 
another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 73 

offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I 
held the glass, took a tiny sip, and then decided to 
shut the door of the cellar, deftly spilling the sherry 
as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry 
with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an un- 
known experience. Glass after glass was given to 
me and I managed to appear to drink all their con- 
tents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. 
There were several present who had no desire to spill 
theirs and among these was a tall, good-looking youth 
who was fast becoming a little happy. He came to- 
wards me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in 
spilling my fifth glass of sherry, thus saving me the 
trouble of shutting the door, and said: " Say, Cap., 
will you come and see my p — utz? " I was a little 
bewildered. He repeated it again and again and then 
I decided upon a counter bombardment and said: 
" Pre — cisely what is your p — utz." He looked com- 
ically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a 
Putz was a decoration of German origin. At 
Christmas time in South Germany the people build 
models of the original Bethlehem, representing the 
birth of our Lord. It suggests a creche in a Roman 
church. I said therefore : " But yes, I shall be glad 
to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in 
Bethlehem. 

Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at 
Christmas time. A house containing one is quite open 



74 OVER HERE 

to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to be served. 
I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at 
Christmas time small parties accumulate and go from 
house to house looking at the Putzes. Sometimes they 
are a little crude, and where there are small boys in 
the family, model electric tram cars dash past the 
sacred manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this 
incongruity, for, after building an ordinary model 
village with street lamps, and tram cars dashing 
round and round, he had the stable and manger sus- 
pended above amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he 
explained that the whole thing was a vision of the 
past. But let me tell you about the Putz that be- 
longed to my friend of the club catacomb. 

With Mrs. U I knocked at the door and en- 
tered. The house was dimly lighted and we found 
ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first 
we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we 
seemed to hear cattle lowing very softly. Soon our 
eyes grew accustomed to the darkness and we found 
ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees sil- 
houetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed 
to be walking towards a small village on the right. 
The village was of the usual Eastern kind with a 
synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the 
synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and 
gradually and after an interval gentle singing could 
be heard. It was all very soft but quite distinct. 



A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 75 

The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed 
to be breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the 
sky, and showed us shepherds watching their flocks, 
but looking up towards the sky. More light came 
and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the 
shepherds. At this moment men's voices could be 
heard singing in harmony " Hark, the Herald Angels 
Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the 
wee synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at 
any rate, it ceased shining on the shepherds and we 
became unconscious of the angels, but soon it shone 
upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying 
in the manger. There were the wise men of the East 
also. Some more light shone upon the village and 
the little brook made more noise. Someone in the 
darkness near me repeated : " And suddenly there 
was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, 
praising God, and saying, ' Glory to God in the high- 
est, and on earth peace, good will toward men.' 

" And it came to pass, as the angels were gone 
away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one 
to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem and 
see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord 
made known unto us ! And they came with haste, 
and found Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in a 
manger. And when they had seen it, they made 
known abroad the saying which was told them con- 
cerning this child. And all they that heard it won- 



76 OVER HERE 

dered at those things which were told them by the 
shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and 
pondered them in her heart." 

It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and 
sweetly. To me it seemed the outcry of womenkind 
all over the world. 

I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, 
but I must admit that of all places in the world apart 
from home I think Bethlehem presents most possibili- 
ties for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of 
snow and consequently plenty of opportunities for 
tobogganing. People also gave many charming 
parties. I went to a bal masque after returning from 
Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much 
clothing on, but one arm and shoulder was exposed. 
Several women friends who usually wore quite ab- 
breviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I 
merely observed " et tu Brute ! " but they did not 
understand. Women are inconsistent. 



VI 

GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS ! A NEW ALLY ! 
THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF BECOM- 
ING BURIED 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., February 28, 1917. 

So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the 
high priest of God, has decided that this extremely 
unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all agree 
that nothing would suit us better ; only we are quite 
certain that we do not want the war to end in the 
particular way desired by His Imperial Highness. 
We admit, of course, that his methods display a high 
state of efficiency in every direction, and that his or- 
ganization of men and things is perfectly wonderful, 
but, fools that we are, we have become attached to 
our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. 
In other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We 
admit that we ought to like His Imperial Highness 
since he is so very much the intimate friend of God, but 
possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that 
when we examine our minds we find there nothing but 
contempt and dislike mixed with just a little pity. 
We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we are 
unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how 
hard we try, because William seems to us a poor sort 
of creature. 

77 



78 OVER HERE 

I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. 
It was quite unnecessary to drag Uncle Sam into the 
war. His nature is so kindly that he is always will- 
ing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but 
there are limits to his good nature. The threat to 
sink the merchant ships of America without warning 
is well beyond the limit of his patience. The Germans 
must have forgotten the travail that accompanied 
the birth of this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam 
would seem to be merely a very wealthy merchant 
prince, with but one object — to get rich as quickly as 
possible ; a merchant prince without honour where his 
pockets are concerned. If they had decided that he 
was merely enjoying a rather nice after luncheon 
sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth. 
They would then have avoided waking him up. As it 
is, he is now very wide awake, and he is also examin- 
ing his soul very carefully and wondering just a little. 
His eyes too are very wide open and he can see very 
plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very 
unpleasant little emperor over in Germany daring to 
issue orders to his children. He also realizes that 
since God has given him the wonderful gift of free- 
dom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed 
to enjoy the same privileges. As a child, it was neces- 
sary for him to avoid " entangling alliances," but he 
is now a man with a man's privileges and a man's 
duties. 



A NEW ALLY! 79 

So he has called across the water to France : " I'm 
coming to help you, Lafayette," and he has shouted 
across the water to Great Britain: "John, I have 
never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on 
the right track, and if you can wait a little I expect 
to be able to help you quite a lot." 

Of course, Germany expects to starve Great 
Britain into subjection before Uncle Sam is ready to 
do much. She also, in her overwhelming pride, be- 
lieves that her own nationals in the States possess 
sufficient power to stultify any great war effort. She 
also believes that the American people are naturally 
pacifists and that the President will have a big job in 
front of him. And indeed he might have had a diffi- 
cult job, too, for great prosperity tends to weaken 
the offensive power of a democracy and there were 
many men here who disliked intensely the idea of 
sending an army of American men to France to fight 
side by side with England, but his job has become 
child's play since Zimmermann's wily scheme to ally 
Mexico and Japan against the States has been ex- 
posed. This exposure united the people as if by 
magic. The people began to scent danger, and dan- 
ger close at home, and they saw at once that the only 
enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the 
Kaiser dies, and I suppose he will die some day, it 
would be interesting to be present (just for a second, 
of course) when he meets his grandfather's great 



80 OVER HERE 

friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long 
on account of the climate but it would be interesting 
nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or laugh? 

Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for 
very little with the great minds at the helm of state 
here, but it did rouse the ordinary people and settled 
many arguments. 

So the war lord is going to drown thousands of 
sailors in order that a million lives may be saved on 
the battlefields of Europe ! What a pity that we in- 
efficient and contemptible British, American, and 
French people cannot agree with him. What fools 
we all must seem to him to prefer death a thousand 
times rather than to spend a single second in the 
world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and 
master. 

Thank heaven we can see him as he is really — just 
a mad chauffeur with his foot on the accelerator dash- 
ing down a very steep hill with not a chance in the 
world of getting around that nasty turning at the 
bottom. The car he is driving to destruction is a 
very fine machine, too. It is a great pity. Perhaps 
it will break down suddenly before he gets to the bot- 
tom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful 
cropper, but there will be something left of the 
machine. 

I have now left the hotel and am established in a 
very happy home. It was difficult to get lodgings, 



A NEW ALLY! 81 

but I applied to J C for help and he sent me 

down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a 
friend of mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone 

who applies to J C for help always gets it. 

He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland for 
half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called 
on Harry's wife and found a sweet faced English 
girl with a small young lady who made love to me 
promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and 
now I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do any- 
thing in the world to make a fellow comfortable and 
" himself " keeps my clothes pressed in his spare time. 
They both do nice little things for me. I can do pre- 
cisely what I please and I know that the two of them 
are very interested. 

One night, four cheery people came in ; one seized 
a mandolin, another a guitar, while a third played the 
piano. It was quite late and I wondered what my 
gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the 
music was still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and 
saw the two of them fox-trotting round the kitchen 
like a couple of happy children, just loving the music. 
Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all sol- 
diers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I 
write things for magazines she listens to me in the 
middle of her work while I read them and she always 
expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package 
returns she is as depressed as I am about it. 

6 



82 OVER HERE 

A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well- 
bred Western Highland terrier in Philadelphia, and I, 
of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's little girl, wanted 
a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told 
her to send one of the puppies along. I observed that 
I wanted a male puppy and he said : " Yep." Com- 
munications must have broken down somewhere, for a 
tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The 
person who said that my puppy was a Western High- 
land terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I fear that 
her family tree would not bear close inspection. How- 
ever, she hopped out of the basket and expressed a 
good deal of pleasure. She ought to have been at least 
another month with her mother. We gave her milk 
and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes 
that we all shuddered, wondering what would happen 
next. She couldn't walk, but after a time her figure 
became more normal. She had very nice manners on 
the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would 
worm her way right round a person's back under 
his coat and emerge from under his collar close up to 
his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude 
and Jack, calling, mistook her for a rat, but was dis- 
appointed. She mistook him for a relation and too 
actively showed her affection. He refused to look at 
her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with as- 
tonishment at me, and left the house. He has refused 
to enter ever since. Sally, as we had named her, 



A NEW ALLY! 83 

got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope 
and rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect 
and her hair grew again. I wish you could see her 
and her young mistress together, mixed up with six 
rabbits. 

Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland 
terrier, and follows me about looking like a tiny 
rat. A man pointed to us one day and said : " Wots 
that ? " His friend, thinking he meant an automobile 
that was passing said : " Just a flivver." So we have 
decided upon Sally's breed and she is called a 
flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is won- 
derfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her 
mistress's mother would not sell her for a million dol- 
lars. She has more friends throughout this town 
than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat 
policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic 
once and she buried all our sausages which they call 
" Frankfurters " here. We saw her disappearing 
with the last one almost as big as herself. 

I am very lucky to have secured such a wonder- 
ful home in Bethlehem. No woman enjoys having 
strange men ruining her carpets and making them- 
selves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people 
are mostly well off, few of them desire to take in 
lodgers. Harry's wife has taken me in because she 
has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her 
veins and she wants to do her bit. 



VII 

SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., April 25, 1917. 

In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a 
patriotic song which commenced with the words 
" War clouds gather over every land." War clouds 
have gathered over this land all right, but they 
haven't darkened the minds of the people in any way. 
With a quickness and a keenness that is surprising, the 
people have realized that the war clouds hovering 
over the United States have a very beautiful silver 
lining, and they haven't got to worry about turning 
them inside out either, because they know the silver 
lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk 
are very worried, naturally. I don't blame them, 
when I look at their sons. 

I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to 
fight Germany is a golden lining to the very dark 
cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the folk 
over here will realize all our suffering during the past 
three years. I know that soon they will understand 
that the so-called " England's mistakes " were not 
mistakes really, at least not mistakes made since 
August, 1914, but just the great big composite mis- 
take of unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle 
84 



BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 85 

Sam was just as guilty. He himself believes that he 
was much more guilty because he did have nearly 
three years to think about the matter. 

He will realize that we could not save Serbia, be- 
cause we simply had not trained men or the guns to 
equip them with. He will know that the Dardanelles 
business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic 
effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will 
realize that right from the start we have been doing 
our "damndest." He knows, of course, that, like 
the United States, we are a democracy, a form of 
government which was never designed with the object 
of making war outside its own council chamber. I 
dare say he will understand the whole thing finally ; 
I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation 
and that we will learn to understand him. It is about 
time that we did. 

It is very interesting over here to watch the de- 
velopment of popular feeling. Before the United 
States broke with Germany the President, of course, 
came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who 
says a word against Mr. Wilson gets it " in the neck." 
All the people realize that he is a very great man and 
both Democrats and Republicans are united in one 
object — to stand by the President. This is not mere 
war hysteria, but the display of common sense. While 
the country was at peace the two great parties en- 
joyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war 



86 OVER HERE 

they will once more indulge in this interesting pas- 
time, but not until Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a 
second-hand shop in a small street in Sweden some- 
where. 

All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem 
to become soldiers. It is a fine thing to think of 
these American fellows fighting beside us. You will 
realize this when you discover that an American belies 
absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, 
with little to boast about. However, there is one 
phrase that I wish he would not use and that is " in 
the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I 
believe that the American fellow that I meet will make 
a wonderful soldier when he has learned a few things. 
It seems to me that we British had to learn quite a lot 
of things from the Germans in the way of modern 
warfare at the start. 

I hate to think of an anaemic German with spec- 
tacles turning his machine gun on these fellows, as 
with much courage and much inexperience they ex- 
pose themselves, until they learn that personal cour- 
age allied to inexperience make an impossible com- 
bination against the Huns. But one sees them 
learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and 
finally being as good soldiers as our own. I can also 
see them willing to acknowledge that they are no 
better. 

We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was 



BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 87 

rather an impossible person, although plausible, and 
altogether it is quite unsafe to be a German sympa- 
thizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German 
propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to 
interfere with the friendship that can be seen arising 
between us and our brothers over here. I dare say 
England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of 
cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to 
combat it? 

The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The 
Slavs ought to have stuck to the Czar and made him 
into an ornamental constitutional monarch for the 
people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The 
trouble is that Germany will have a wonderful oppor- 
tunity during the birth of constitutional rule in 
Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to have 
Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes 
revolutions close to her borders, and a Russian re- 
public next door will be very awkward for her if not 
dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a little 
hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German 
people may catch the " disease " and we may have 
peace some day. The revolutionary spirit is very 
" catching." 

Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived arid 
both of them have made a wonderful impression over 
here. It is interesting to know that British genius 
could reach such heights as to choose such a very 



88 OVER HERE 

proper gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some 
of my friends are a little apologetic because more 
attention seems to be paid to the great French gen- 
eral than to Mr. Balfour, but I say : " Lord bless your 
soul, why we sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in 
your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He will shout ' Vive 
La France ! ' to Joffre with any one of you." 

Thank heaven that our folk realized that the 
American people want our very best sent over to 
them, and that they love very dearly that type of 
old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Bal- 
four represents. It is good thing that they did not 
send a " shirt-sleeved " politician. Altogether I 
know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a 
foundation stone to a lasting friendship between 
America and ourselves. He has belted knights and 
all kinds of superior officers with him. They are very 
decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over 
here, since they are armed with much information that 
will surely help ; but if Mr. Balfour had arrived on an 
ordinary liner alone and had walked down the gang- 
way with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would 
have been just as fervent, and the effect he has al- 
ready produced just as great; for the thing that 
America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentle- 
ness. I wish that the American people could know 
that Mr. Balfour represents the type of British 
gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course, we 



BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 89 

cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant 
intellect, but I am certain that we could try to copy 
his method of dealing with our cousins over here. 

Sometimes I think that before a representative of 
our Empire is allowed to land in this country he 
should be forced to pass an examination held by the 
best humourists who work for the London Punch. 
An entente cordiale with America would then be per- 
fectly simple. Perhaps it would be a good thing if 
our folk realized that they don't know anything about 
this country. 

When American people, see two Frenchmen and a 
couple of Englishmen misbehaving themselves, and 
treading on people's toes — not an unusual sight, es- 
pecially in regard to the last named — they don't 
shrug their shoulders and say : " These Europeans, 
aren't they perfectly awful ? " They merely remark : 
" English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be 
enough. 

American people do not seem to understand what 
they call our " class distinctions." However, I am 
sure that they have not the slightest difficulty in 
understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. 
Christ died in order that we should be neighbourly. 
All nations have been affected by Christianity to a 
greater or to a less degree; in fact, at the back of 
all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of 
gentleness. When a man has attained that state of 



90 OVER HERE 

mind which prevents him from offending another by 
thought, word, or deed without decent provocation; 
and when by self discipline and training he has at- 
tained what Mathew Arnold called " sweet reason- 
ableness " to me it seems he has approached very 
closely to the Christian ideal. 

And so the word " gentleman " denotes something 
which cannot be in the least affected by birth or class 
distinctions. The only thing is that people of birth 
and fortune are able to study up the question a bit 
more thoroughly, and having time to read, they are 
influenced by the thousands of " gentlefolk " who have 
left their record upon the pages of history. Still 
amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea 
I have met some wonderful gentlemen and gentle- 
women who would find great difficulty in reading even 
the editorial page of the New York Journal. 

We are certainly living in thrilling times over 
here. Great Britain has a tremendous opportunity 
methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of it. It 
will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us 
throughout the coming centuries. At the moment 
John Bull is a little puffed up with pride and so is 
Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much humility, but 
after the war they will both be a little thinner and the 
matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still 
be a few difficulties in the way. 

Of course, to talk like this may seem a little 



BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 91 

strange when the British flag is flying all over America 
side by side with the Stars and Stripes. But flag 
waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory 
mean nothing, really. It is the foundation of a 
structure that counts, and the foundation of Anglo- 
American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps one 
or two bricks in the present foundation could be re- 
moved with good results. I'm not going to talk about 
the American side of the business, but I do think that 
if some of the Britishers who arrive here would real- 
ize that they have got extremely irritating manners 
it might be a good thing. 

If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should 
spend at least three years in their country; that 
would allow us to spend about a month in each state. 
Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, 
if we should be normal persons wanting to find out 
things, all desire to criticise unkindly would leave us. 
At any rate we should take an intelligent line. We 
might learn a little, too. This would be a great help. 
Of course, the " Colonel's lady " would still perform 
surgical operations but she would do her work 
cleverly. Of course, America with its mighty size 
and variety of climates has been long enough in- 
habited to allow the formation of differing groups of 
people. 

In England the people have a vague idea that a 
member of the Four Hundred, with a mansion on 



92 OVER HERE 

Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American. Tell 
that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and 
quite a lot of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to 
an aristocratic New Englander whose ancestors 
braved the elements in the Mayflower. Mention it 
casually to some of the people living not too far 
from Rittenhouse Square, and then expect another 
invitation to dinner. You won't get one. The May- 
flower business is very interesting. Some pretty 
funny people arrived in England with the Conqueror, 
judging by their descendants. His followers were 
very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small 
families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in 
the Mayflower. 

I don't know very much about Washington, but I 
went to a party there not long ago which I shall 
never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and the 
most wonderful part about the function was my 
hostess, whose diamonds would ransom a king, but 
her jewels formed merely a setting to her own charm- 
ing natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, 
as I sat and chatted to her about the island in the 
west of Scotland from where her children's forebears 
came. 

Like us and the Chinese, American people some- 
times worship their ancestors, but they never burn 
this incense in front of their own folk, as far as I can 
see, except, of course, when they are related to the 



BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 93 

great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful 
crests of which they seem a little proud, and, of 
course, a good looking crest is a great help on the 
whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap. 

To the ordinary snob, things over here are a 
little difficult because you simply cannot place a per- 
son in his or her social sphere by studying the accent. 
In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most 
perfect manner so that from the moment of intro- 
duction almost, we can tell whether the person intro- 
duced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a " prov- 
incial," poor chap ! 

Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think 
it would be a jolly good idea if some of the people I 
know and love did worry a little more about the way 
they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are 
simply too lazy to worry. However, the things they 
say are awfully nice and that is what counts in the 
long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much. 

Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine 
here in Bethlehem was faintly interested in his fore- 
bears, and visiting the place from where his father 
came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were 
any Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: 
" Did you come up to the house in a hansom cab? " 

" Yes," he replied. 

" Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye." 

"Are there any others ? " he asked. 



94 OVER HERE 

" Yes, but they're all thieves." 

She told him the story of a man wandering through 
the village seeking a " ludgin," and being exhausted, 
finally shouted : " Isn't there a ' Chreestian ' living in 
this toon ? " Up went a window, and a woman's voice 
shrieked : " Do ye no ken that there are only John- 
stones and Jardines living in the place, ye feckless 
loon ! " Down went the window. 



vin 

LACRYMATORY SHELLS 
Bethlehem, U. S. A., July 23, 1917. 

A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the 
other night in New York. I know rather well the 
girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather de- 
pressed, and told me that she had written in reply to 
his proposal of marriage that if he thought that 
Providence had brought her to her by no means in- 
considerable numbers of years especially to be re- 
served for him, it was obvious that he must regard as 
extremely shortsighted the Supreme Being guarding 
the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have be- 
come very depressed and regarded all women as hard 
hearted tyrants. This lasted for some days and the 
moving pictures with a love-interest lost all their 
wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is 
an extremely nice girl and very good looking, al- 
though she has been to Girton. 

I don't know anything about the Cambridge 
women but I have seen a perfectly priceless suffra- 
gette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing a crowd 
in the market square at Cambridge, while a large 
throng of undergraduates looked at her with much 
admiration. I remember a low townee fellow said 

95 



96 OVER HERE 

" rats " to one of her statements. She replied with 
the sweetest smile in the world: " That's an intelli- 
gent remark," while a large football player took 
revenge on the chap. 

From all this you will gather that I know but little 
about the womenfolk of Blighty. I have never thought 
very much about them nor studied their habits. 
However, over here in America our countrywomen are 
well known by their female cousins. The American 
girl does not think much about the English girl, ex- 
cept to admire and like her accent, but the mature 
American women who thinks at all wonders a little at 
the docility towards their men folk shown by our 
women. I love to tease them about it. An Ameri- 
can man observed to me once that England was 
" heaven for horses, but hell for women." 

Yesterday I was coming from New York in a 
train with a lady from a small and very charming 
American town. We talked about many things 
and then about our women. I told her some 
" woppers " and she became steadily furious. I said 
to her that all women really liked " cave men," that 
they liked a man who could control them, someone 
big and strong and fine. I said that women were a 
little like horses ; they invariably got rid of the fellow 
who could not control them, and that this explained 
the number of divorces in America. I pointed out, 
however, that the really brutal man was equally use- 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 97 

less ; but the fellow a woman liked best was the chap 
who took complete control and loved her an awful lot 
as well. " You know yourself that you love to do 
little things for your husband, to light his study 
lamps for him — perhaps when he is tired after a 
day's work while you have been to an interesting tea, 
to place his slippers by the study fire ready for him to 
put on before he dresses for dinner," I continued. 
The conversation became dangerous for she thought 
I was serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could 
not have been altogether serious for I know nothing 
about the subject. However, I do remember once, 
years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The 
vicar was not at all poor. I was sitting in his study 
awaiting his return. As darkness commenced to creep 
over the countryside my hostess came in and removed 
from the chimney piece two large lamps which she 
proceeded to trim and finally to light. She then 
brought in and placed by the fire two soft house- 
shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I 
wondered a little for there seemed an awful lot of ser- 
vants about, but she explained that she had done the 
same thing for twelve years and liked to do it. " The 
poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from 
visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little 
things really well," she said. Then the vicar arrived 
and I was not at all astonished at the devotion shown 
by his wife. 
7 



98 OVER HERE 

But the lady from the little town, a very fashion- 
able little American town, could not understand this 
at all. She got a little excited as she said : " If my 
husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly 
get his slippers for him " : and across her face there 
crept a resigned and helpless look as though her hus- 
band were already ill. Of course, I was merely joking 
with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her 
point of view. 

Now far be it from me to say a word against the 
girls of America. I think that they are perfectly 
wonderful. But why do they whiten their noses? 
That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to 
study their habits. I think it is a fact that they do 
really control their husbands, and it seems to me a 
very good thing, too. I should not like to be con- 
trolled by a lady from New England, however, of the 
superior working class. One tried to control me 
once and I hated it, and used to thank a merciful 
Providence that she was not my wife. I would have 
committed suicide or escaped or something. 

But let me tell you about Miss America as I see 
her. The subject is a dangerous one for a mere man 
to attempt, but I have a bon courage as a French 
lady once said after I had spoken much French. 

Just after America broke off diplomatic relations 
with Germany we were all waiting for an " overt act." 
A fellow at lunch said that the only overt act that 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 99 

would stir the American heart to its depths would be 
the shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death 
of all the " chickens." " Is Atlantic City the great 
poultry centre of the States ? " I asked innocently. 
Everybody yelled at once, " Yes, Mac " ; and then 
they all laughed. I wondered that if the great Ameri- 
can heart could be stirred by the death of many hens 
what on earth would happen if the Boche shelled 
Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the 
eye. I have since learnt what a " chicken " is. 

When a girl of the working classes dresses herself 
particularly smartly (and, believe me, the American 
girl knows how to turn herself out very well), and also 
powders and paints her pretty little face, and then 
goes about the city seeking whom she may find she is 
then called a " chicken." She is not necessarily an 
immoral person as far as I can see. There is some- 
thing fluffy and hop-skip-and- jumpy in her deport- 
ment. She believes that the world was made to enjoy 
one's self in and she thinks that necessarily to wait for 
an introduction to every nice boy one sees about is a 
waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So 
she does her very best to look charming. I hate the 
word, but she develops " cuteness " rather than any- 
thing else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are 
generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the 
fashion; but it is generally her hat that gives her 
more opportunities to display her powers. There is a 



100 OVER HERE 

tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what, that 
catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will 
agree with her eyes which are often very pretty and 
lively. Sometimes a curl or a wisp of hair just does 
the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think she 
knows how to make the very best of her appearance. 
One can imagine her spending hours at home making 
her own frocks and trimming her own hats. She 
often appears more smartly turned out than her sister 
higher up, the social leader. You see her by the 
hundreds in New York. I rather admire her attitude 
of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At 
first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral 
young person, but as far as I can gather she is not 
necessarily more immoral than any other woman in 
any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is 
amusing or not. American men seem to find them 
very diverting. 

The other type of hard working American girl I 
like very much. She works fearfully hard, and 
although her wages may be good, living in this coun- 
try is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little 
difficult for me to tell you very much about her. 
She can seldom understand my effort at English 
and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. 
When I have finished my business and have turned 
my back to go out she joins her friends and laughs. 
I find this offensive, but I suppose she means little 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 101 

harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she 
will never let you know it by her personal appearance, 
which is never dowdy but always smart. She is very 
competent and clever, as far as I can see, and 
shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least 
four great friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I 
not only admire, but like very much. You see I am 
falling into the error of judging the women of a huge 
nation by the few persons I have met. 

If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless 
perhaps suggested to your mind that I regard 
Madame America as the survival of the fittest in 
domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough 
battles to fight in the business world without bother- 
ing about domestic politics and so Madame reigns 
supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a 
wife he doesn't enjoy the process of courting unless 
he has to strive. A girl has got to be " rushed." I be- 
lieve that there must be fewer women than men over 
here because every nice girl I know has several ad- 
mirers. However, he has really a hectic time and has 
got to be very humble. Now in England I will admit 
that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a 
conceited ass or very handsome, but his humility ends 
with the honeymoon and he assumes his position as 
lord of creation. This is expected of him. But 
Madame America refuses to regard her husband as 
anything else but her lover or her slave and she takes 



102 OVER HERE 

the necessary steps to keep him in his proper place. 
Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes 
the pathetic attitude but no more often than her 
cousin in England does. This is very effective and 
causes some husbands to take a drink when they are 
more easily though less satisfactorily kept in sub- 
jection. Perhaps they develop a love for bowling 
alleys and other vices, and spend most of their time 
at the club. 

More often Madame America succeeds by her effi- 
ciency in every direction. She refuses to grow old 
and lets her husband see that her affection and friend- 
ship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her 
household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that 
the cooking is always satisfactory. I don't quite know 
how to describe it, but the very appearance of an 
American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she cer- 
tainly dresses well. I think that she expects to be 
amused rather than to amuse and in this she loses a 
little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on 
dangerous ground. However, in my experience over 
here most of the married folk I have met seem just as 
happy as married folk anywhere else. Still I think 
that the woman in America is very much the head of 
the house. She has attained her position through her 
efficiency, so I suppose she deserves to maintain it. 
Politically it has intei'esting results. In some ways it 
may explain America's former peaceful attitude to- 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 103 

wards the Germans at the beginning of the war. 
Women don't like war outside their own houses, and 
they hate losing their sons. I would not dare to say 
it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other 
that women have their sense of sympathy more de- 
veloped than their sense of honour. They certainly 
are very loving persons and it does not matter to 
them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as 
he does not hurt their boys. I rather think that they 
would have not the slightest objection to fighting 
themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect that 
they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their 
sons they are indeed veritable cowards by proxy. 

When an American man is away from his wife, I 
care not how respectable he be or how happily mar- 
ried, a change seems to creep all over him and he be- 
comes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person 
imaginable, even if he is sixty. He is not a dull per- 
son with Madame, but when he gets off by himself 
things begin to move. We British get hopelessly 
married, and our clubs never strike me as being par- 
ticularly hilarious or buoyant sort of places. They 
always seem a little dull. I have been put up at a 
famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is 
supreme. No women may enter its sacred portals, no 
matter who she may be. Let me tell you about its 
habitues. Of course, it is impossible to say what sort 
of club it is in peace time ; but, at the moment, all its 



104 OVER HERE 

members are well on the wrong side of thirty. The 
others have gone long ago. 

The war has caused a great deal of depression 
amongst the remaining men of this club. When war 
broke out all the members from fifty downwards were 
thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to 
fight for their country. Were they not all members 
of the City Troop? Certainly some of them needed 
pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed 
found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on 
their tunics. Still this would soon be made all right. 
Gee ! it was fine to get a chance to fight those Huns. 

Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some 
of them and the joy of belonging to the City Troop 
has left them. It is useless for the doctor to explain 
that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is im- 
possible for him to last long in trench warfare. He 
collapses. They say that they don't object to this a 
bit, and then he has got to say brutally that a sick 
man costs the country at the front more money and 
more trouble than a single man is worth. So they 
are now convinced, but they hate it and go about 
helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was sit- 
ting in the club talking to three interesting men who 
were endeavouring to get as many horrors of war 
out of me as possible, when a cheery-faced gentle- 
man appeared coming over towards us. The elderly 
man next to me brightened up and said : " Here comes 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 105 

a ray of sunshine down the canon." He certainly was 
a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say quick, rapid 
funny things. 

At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool 
with Turkish baths and other fancies attached. On 
the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are com- 
fortable lounges and one can order anything one 
requires. There are generally several others there. 
On these occasions I always think that this world 
would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about 
dressed like Fijians. Just outside the pool is the 
dressing room with cubicles. It is a good idea to 
treat with respect all the members one sees here 
dressed in towels, especially during these military 
days. 

But to return to the ladies — we had an interest- 
ing young person attached to our battery in France 
once. I'd like to tell you about her. Unfortunately 
she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a 
rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the 
" Never Never Land " to amuse and to interest the 
small group of officers living in the Vert Rue not 
very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins 
" Armon Tears." 

One night after dinner the major, Wharton the 
senior subaltern, Taunton the junior subaltern, and 
I were sitting around the mess table in our billet. 
Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read 



106 OVER HERE 

aloud the following notice from one of the small batch 
of antique copies of the London Times which had been 
sent to him by a kindly wife : " Lady, young, would 
like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address 
Box 411, London Times " After looking round at 
the three of us he remarked : " That seems to present 
possibilities ; I think that Taunton had better answer 
it." The major, a wily person and one who never 
missed an opportunity to get something for his 
beloved battery, saw in the advertisement some amuse- 
ment, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of heart 
on the part of some romantic }'oung person. Taun- 
ton, young, good looking, nineteen, and woefully in- 
experienced in les affaires de cceur was obviously the 
man. 

So the major commenced to dictate what seemed 
to us at the time to be a rather amusing letter. 
Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so the 
major seized the pen and paper and did the job him- 
self. As far as I remember the letter ran as follows : 

" Dear Friend : 

" The mail arrived this evening at the small 
hamlet from where my guns endeavour to kill and 
disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give 
you the exact geographical location, but you will 
doubtlessly regard our position as what ' our Spe- 
cial Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally calls 
' Somewhere in France.' 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 107 

" The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon 
its sacred contents were safely deposited upon the 
ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed but little 
disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry offi- 
cers, as he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, 
I was there. I always am, but as usual there was 
nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such dis- 
appointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than 
ever to-night. I don't quite know why. Perhaps it 
was the obvious glee displayed by Sergeant Beetle- 
stone as he unfolded a package of what he described 
as ' Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them 
cigarettes.) Perhaps it was the happiness on the 
face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anaemic 
meat pie with two friends. 

" However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while 
the others, I mean my brother officers, held joyful con- 
verse with many sheets of closely written note paper. 
It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent to 
the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the 
table stood a large box of green sweets called * Creme 
de Mint," but they were sent to Wharton by his 
fiancee. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to 
that famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp 
with her eye fixed upon the portrait of her dead 
husband. 

" Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over 
my features, as my eyes became fixed upon the table 



108 OVER HERE 

cloth, for thereon I read your charming notice. We 
always prefer the London Times as a table cloth. 
The paper is of good quality. One officer we had 
seemed to prefer the Daily Telegraph, but he got 
badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of 
many arguments. 

" You can have no idea what that little notice 
meant to me. It was the dawn of hope. A lady, 
young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with me. 
No longer should I stand alone and isolated during 
the happiest five minutes of the day, when the mail 
bag arrived from dear old England. No longer should 
I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another 
man's loved one. No longer should I be compelled to 
borrow and wear the socks, sweaters, mufflers, and 
mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All 
would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it ! 

" Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a 
photograph of your charming self so that my dugout 
may become a paradise. I intend to write regularly 
to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant. 
" When the sun starts to sink from my sight, 

When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves, 

There's one thing that's to me a delight — 

The mail bag from Blighty. 

"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, 
but when I receive your photograph I may even write 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 109 

a sonnet. And now I will close my letter and retire 
to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence. 
" Yours very sincerely, 

" Hector Clarke-Stuart." 

The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed 
that it ought to produce results. None of us dared 
to acknowledge our ignorance in regard to the famous 
picture he had described. Our major was a fashion- 
able person who went to the opera always and had 
even been known to attend the Royal Academy. 

At this moment I had an inspiration and con- 
fided it to Wharton. We both knew the major's wife 
well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling 
sense of humour, both active and passive. I corre- 
spond with her regularly. I wrote a long letter upon 
this evening. 

The next day the major took Taunton and a 
couple of guns to a position several miles away to 
prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at the 
battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieu- 
tenant Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore re- 
tired to a dugout with the two letters and steamed 
them open. One was from a very respectable Eng- 
lish miss who lived in a south coast town. She 
described her daily life with some detail and the 
view from her bedroom window " across the bay," 
but when she remarked that she and her brothers 
had always " kept themselves to themselves," thereby 



110 OVER HERE 

showing consideration for others but a mean spirit, 
we decided to kill her for the time being. Whar- 
ton, very respectable, and a typical Englishman, had 
certain doubts but we carried on. 

The other letter was delightful and ran as follows : 

" Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart : 

" I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter 
and to know that my little notice had cheered the 
aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am now learn- 
ing to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you 
some socks which will have been knitted by a hand, 
an inexperienced hand, alas, but one that is inter- 
ested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but 
indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a 
photograph of myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes 
but am not very tall, in fact, I am but five feet two 
inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something 
seems to tell me that you are very dark with brown 
eyes. Am I right? I am sure that you are tall 
and slenderly though gracefully built. 

" I should be awfully glad to receive a photo- 
graph of you. Officers' photographs lend tone to a 
girl's rooms these days, even if one does not know 
them. 

" Up to the present my life has been an empty 
one, consisting of teas, dinners, theatre parties, and 
so on; but now with you to look after I am sure that 
things will change. 



LACRYMATORY SHELLS 111 

" I was interested in your little verse. It re- 
mands me very much of the great poet who con- 
tributes verse to the London Daily Fog each Satur- 
day. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward 
with interest to your sonnet. 

" Yours very sincerely, 

" Rosalie De Silva." 

Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was 
enclosed in a large pink envelope with a large " S " 
on the top right hand comer. We therefore sent her 
letter on to the major and Taunton by a special 
orderly. 

It would take me a long time to tell you of the 
correspondence that ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, 
pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as well as a 
photograph arrived in quick succession. The photo- 
graph was mounted on a large cardboard and was 
always regarded with great interest by the officers 
who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about 
the correspondence, and they had all been taken into 
the confidence of Wharton and myself except Taun- 
ton and the major. 

One day the photograph came unstuck and we 
discovered written upon the back of it the following 
words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris 
Hoey." 

" I knew she was merely a Sciwy," remarked 
Taunton, when this happened. The maids are called 



112 OVER HERE 

" Scivvies " at Taunton's school. The major thought 
that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that 
I thought Rosalie must be a very amusing and de- 
lightful lady. The major was going home on leave 
in a few days. 

He returned from leave and my first glimpse of 
him was while I was inspecting my men at the nine 
o'clock parade. I was a little nervous. Senior offi- 
cers become even more rude than usual after they re- 
turn from leave. He gave me one look, and in spite 
of the stateliness of the occasion we both collapsed, 
much to the surprise of my men who had never seen 
the major really hilarious before. He might have 
been angry for he had lost five guineas to Tich, a 
gunner captain who lived near us. Tich had bet the 
major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De 
Silva during his leave. He had had six lunches with 
Rosalie De Silva, for his wife spent the whole six 
days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been 
merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an un- 
limited amount of fun. 



IX 

SHELLS 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., August 5, 1917. 

When a number of gentlemen form themselves 
into an organization the object of which is the pro- 
duction of munitions of warfare, it is obvious that 
their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. 
A nation is distinctly immobile. It cannot come over 
to a plant and order its goods so it chooses from 
amongst its people representatives of more or less 
intelligence who settle themselves upon the organiza- 
tion and form themselves into a thing called a " com- 
mission," whose object is inspection. As representa- 
tives of a foreign nation, they are treated with much 
courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel mag- 
nates, and have no end of a good time. They are 
put up at the best clubs and if their nation still re- 
tains the ornamental practice of having kings they 
are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of 
being dukes and viscounts in disguise. This is en- 
joyable for all concerned. These gentlemen naturally 
have no need and little desire to climb socially ; upon 
their arrival they are placed on the very top of the 
local social pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple 
off sometimes, but generally they are received in 
8 113 



114 OVER HERE 

quite the best society. They consist often of an ex- 
tremely interesting and delightful crowd of people. 

An American seems to like a title, not in himself 
perhaps, but in others, and so Sergeant Aristira, be- 
comes Captain Aristira, and, after getting exhausted 
contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself 
to be a general in embryo. 

In the main office of a big steel plant there are 
several dining rooms where the foreign commissions 
lunch. If the commission is a large one its members 
generally dine alone, except for the presence of cer- 
tain lesser, though important, steel officials who sit 
at the same table and exhibit quite stately manners. 
When I arrived first, I thought my own countrymen's 
dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's 
mess at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a 
steel company friend, I decided to dine with him. It 
was a good move and I have never regretted it. 

In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. 
Often there are representatives of at least six dif- 
ferent lesser countries. The smaller nations, es- 
pecially during these times of stress when the war- 
ring nations form the big customers, are generally 
represented by but one man each. He has ; however, 
his attendant steel official so one gets a kind of sand- 
wich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden 

is represented by one man, and Eddy Y looks 

after him. Great Britain's production department 



SHELLS 115 

and France's inspection department are looked after 

by Captain L . We had Greeks for a time. 

Then there are Chilians, Russians, Peruvians, Argen- 
tineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all kinds from 
the regions about the Amazon River. The whole 
thing is interesting and one sighs for the gift given 
to the apostles when they spake with tongues. 

In addition to these foreigners there sit at our 
table steel officials of sufficient importance to be kept 
within call of a telephone. The very big men of the 
steel company dine alone except when someone very 
important calls upon them. 

But let me tell you about our dining room. At 
the beginning we had a wonderful girl to look after 
us called Sadie. She was priceless and worked auto- 
matically. People with more courage than decency 
sometimes said thrilling things to her but merely re- 
ceived a kindly gentle smile in return, which was 
very effective. We were all very fond of her, but 
she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait 
on us. Mary has been a waitress in the steel com- 
pany for five years. She is, I should think, about 
twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I 
am unable to state. I have seen many beautiful 
women in my day on the stage, on Fifth Avenue, in 
the park in London, but never have I seen anyone 
quite so good looking as Mary ; she is a perfect type of 
Madonna-like beauty. She wears a simple blue frock 



116 OVER HERE 

and a large white linen apron which ends at her throat 
in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she 
should train as a hospital nurse, for she would work 
wonders with sick persons of both sexes. The idea 
did not strike her favourably. 

As the representatives of some of the smaller 
nationalities sometimes go to New York and other 
diverting resorts, there are often but four steel men, 
one Frenchman, a Chilian, a Swede and myself. This 
presents possibilities and we have a wonderful time. 
The representative of Sweden is a ripping chap. He 
is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has to 
engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no diffi- 
culty in persuading the person occupying the lower 
to change places — the lower person obviously hav- 
ing for his or her motto " safety first." From this 
you will gather that my friend is a little large. I 
remember that when I first met him at the club, we 
chatted about international relations, and he re- 
marked that if a man were a gentleman it did not 
matter a damn whether he came from Paraguay or 
China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a 
naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends 
that I have made over here I can place him very near 
the top of the list. He is just brimming over with 
fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that 
happens to be organizing. 

Then there is the head steel inspector. He dis- 



SHELLS 117 

likes English people, he thinks; but, between you 
and me, he likes most people who are decent. I fear 
he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not 
very sure. He is an interesting type of American 
and disbelieves in kings and dukes and can never 
understand what we mean by the thing he calls a 
" gentleman." However, he is " from Missouri " on 
this point, and of course I cannot convince him. I 
am not sure that I want to. 

Then there is Eddy Y . He refuses to grow 

up. He is at least fifty and looks forty, but is 
brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He 
loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to 
have been a novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I 
believe he is really a foreigner, a Bromoseltzian by 
absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble 
once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story 
as Eddy told it. He himself believed it. 

" Did you hear about poor Jones last night on 
his way to the big dinner? Very sad! He is in an 
awful state over it all. One baby died this morning 
and the mother doesn't expect the other to live 
through the day. Joe told me about it. Gee! it is 
awful the way those kids run across the road in front 
of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a 
chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck 
and the child's head bounced off and bruised Jones' 
nose. Gee! it's terrible." 



118 OVER HERE 

We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. 
Now I know that to sympathize with a man when by 
accident he has killed two children is the worst possi- 
ble form. Still being egotists, most of us, and re- 
garding ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the 
sympathy that heals, we mostly fall. I resisted the 
temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones passed 
through my office looking very sad. I looked for the 
bruise on his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to 
chat, and I commenced to sympathize, not mention- 
ing any details. He didn't seem very worried and I 
thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details 
and asked when the child would be buried. Mr. 
Jones' eyes grew wide and he said : " What the devil 
are you talking about? " I explained, and he roared. 
His mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, 
but very slightly, and he expected to see him run- 
ning about again in about two days. 

Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very 
hectic time so we always refer to him when the sub- 
ject of Russia comes up. Russia must be some place ; 
and the women, Ma foi! 

We are all very great friends and I like every 
one of them, especially those who can speak Eng- 
lish. It is awkward when we all talk at once, espe- 
cially if the more foreign have friends lunching with 
them. One day, two Greeks yelled to one another 
across the table in Greek, a couple of Russians seemed 



SHELLS 119 

interested in the revolution, a Chilian spoke in a 
huge voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede 
gurgled, the Americans laughed, and I alone spoke 
English (sic). Having mentioned this last fact to 
the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief in- 
spector of the steel company, he looked and said: 
" Yesterday I thought that at last you had convinced 
me what a ' gentleman ' really was, and you have put 
me back at least six points." A good " come back ! " 
N'est ce pas? 

Then there is Harry M , one of the finest men 

that I have met. He is very clever and has one big 
thing in his life — devotion to his wonderful country 
which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other 
people's. We are great friends, but we jeer at one 
another a great deal, and always end up better 
friends than when we started. He has forgotten more 
than most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it 
is done in fun. Then he girds himself for the combat. 

Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I 
did not believe there were any Americans at all, ex- 
cept the red Indians. " Eddy here is a Bromo- 
seltzian," I remarked. " Pat and his son are Irish, 
Dnul is a Dane, Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. 
M , are an Englishman ; there ain't no such ani- 
mal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of 
shrapnel told. He was speechless, and then, in des- 
peration, he said : " And how, may I ask, do you re- 



120 OVER HERE 

gard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick 
Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of 
thing? " " Oh, as just an interesting conglomeration 
of comic persons," I replied. Then we all laughed 
and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt 
that if you are once a friend of an American you can 
jest and laugh with him as much as you like. Having 
become his friend, you have no desire in the world to 
say anything that will hurt him. 

I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M . 

He told me once that during the early days of the 
war, at the end of August, 1914, when Americans 
knew the full extent of the disaster to the French 
army and of our own retreat from Mons, several im- 
portant members of the steel company, mostly of 
English descent with a little German blood mixed with 
it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very 
worried about us all over in England and France. 
They were also worried about their own sons because 
they knew that America would not stand by and see 
England and France crushed. All these men them- 
selves, if possible, would have at once gone over to 
help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, 
and I know now, and have known all along, that if 
England had ever reached the stage when she needed 
American help it would have been possible to raise an 
army of several millions of Americans to fight for 
England. Yes, to fight for England! 



SHELLS 121 

I would not dare to say this to some of my Ameri- 
can friends because they would know, as I knew, that 
underlying their criticism of England there is often 
a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The 
Germans have known this all along, and we can thank 
fortune that it still exists in spite of our failure to 
foster it. We established an entente cordiale with 
France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we 
succeeded because many of us are bad at French and 
consequently unable to insult the French people. We 
have never seriously attempted the same thing with 
America. It is the underlying devotion of many 
Americans for the home country, as some of them still 
call our land, which has prevented the rudeness of 
some of our people from doing permanent harm. 
The Germans have tried to remove this devotion, but 
they have not succeeded amongst the educated classes, 
because, like us, intelligent American people don't 
quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country 
for over a hundred years. 

But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, 
who sometimes dislike us intensely. The average 
American working man regards his brother in Eng- 
land as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow 
who wears a high hat. He also regards John Bull as 
a wicked, land-grabbing old fellow — America's only 
enemy. 

I share an office at the moment with a couple of 



122 OVER HERE 

American boys, both married. At first I shared 
Dnul's office with him, but as it is necessary for him 
to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I 
felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against 
his will, to the office next to him. It is better so. 

The boys with me are interesting. One was a 
National Guard captain and looks the part. He was 
a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the 
United States. It is a great pity. The other is 
very clever at drawings and although only twenty- 
seven has made the world cheerier by being the father 
of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them 
some day and he is getting them drilled. He wit- 
nessed my signature to the publisher's contract for 
my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. 
Books and babies have always been mixed in my 
mind since I first heard the story of St. Columba's 
quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some other 
saint which he had copied. You remember the story. 
The archbishop or some very superior person looked 
into the matter, and said : " To every cow belongs its 
own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I 
hoped that this friend's signature would be a good 
omen. 

The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has 
but one baby. I manage to get along very well with 
them both. 

There are an awful lot of stenographers about ; a 



SHELLS 123 

galaxy of beauty. I hear that they are very well 
paid, and judging by their very smart appearance 
they must be. I think that they are even better look- 
ing and more smartly turned out than the young 
ladies employed in the machine tool department at the 
Ministry in London. 

I met old Sir Francis N one day going up 

the stairs at the Hotel Metropole in London after it 
became Armament Hall, and he said that really one 
did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or 
to wink when one met a young lady on the stairs. I 
always maintain a sympathetic neutrality. It is 
better thus. 

I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. 
One dictates everything and one must never forget to 
file one's letters. In business it is considered an awful 
thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult him to his 
face, by all means, if necessary ; but never write rude 
things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the 
intelligence of the person receiving the letter. Every- 
thing must be perfectly plain and you have to imagine 
that the person receiving the letter knows nothing 
about the subject. If writing a business letter to a 
friend I invariably became too personal. Cold 
blooded though polite things are business letters. 
They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries 
and are liable to strike back at any moment like a 
boomerang. If you are insulting a third person it is 



124 OVER HERE 

always good to put before your more cutting state- 
ments, " In my opinion, I think." This will save you 
much trouble because it is taken that you are humble, 
and that your opinion is not worth very much. Never- 
theless it will cause the person to whom you are writ- 
ing to look into the matter, whereas if you say 
straight out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely 
useless person or that Biggs is inefficient (it is better 
to say inadequate, since it means the same), the per- 
son receiving the letter will at once mutter, " News- 
paper talk," and will forget the matter, although he 
may look into your own actions with a coldly dis- 
cerning eye. 

It seems to be different in the army where people 
write most unpleasant, suggestive things to one an- 
other. I don't think that they keep files so well in 
the army. However, I am learning fast and am very 
careful. 

There are many wonderful contrivances over here 
for the saving of labour. They do not always save 
time, it is true, but many of them are useful, never- 
theless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see 
a fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to 
take him down one flight of stairs. People seldom 
walk anywhere, as far as I can see ; but this fact does 
not seem to affect the national physique which is 
usually splendid. 

Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not 



SHELLS 125 

your intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but 
great horn-rimmed goggles that certainly give a man 
a whimsical look. It all depends upon the appear- 
ance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great 
goggles make him look like a polite tadpole. The 
theatrical folk realize this and in every comic show 
one of the comedians generally appears in these 
spectacles. 

Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the 
students of Lehigh University, I decided to take a 
course of lectures on metallurgy. I shuddered when 
I heard that these lectures took place from eight until 
nine a.m. How would one fit in breakfast? How- 
ever, I arrived one Monday morning and found my- 
self with twenty other fellows sitting at the feet of a 
large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. 
I looked with interest at the men around me. They 
all seemed pale and haggard and " By Jove, these 
American students must work hard ! " I thought. 
However, after several weeks I felt very much the 
same on Monday mornings, because many of the fel- 
lows became my friends and we spent our week ends 
together in fervent study at more than one extremely 
diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is 
unfair. 

The American university man is alleged to be a 
hard worker. He certainly has some very stiff ex- 
aminations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man 



126 OVER HERE 

who desires to get on well in the business or intellec- 
tual world has to work jolly hard at the university 
over here. It is possible for a man, I have heard, to 
work his way through college without receiving a 
penny from his father. A fellow may even earn 
money by collecting laundry from his fellow students. 
The glorious part about this lies in the fact that his 
men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but 
they sincerely admire him. If he is a good sort, that's 
all that matters. 

As far as I can glean, the average American var- 
sity man is a great hero worshiper. One is con- 
stantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their 
friends as regular " princes," and the thing that 
draws the greatest amount of admiration is well de- 
veloped personality which in America is generally 
allied to kindliness. These " princes " are always 
humble, and invariably the same in their treatment of 
both ordinary people, and, what we called at Cam- 
bridge " rabbits " or undergraduates of the dor- 
mouse breed. 

Sometimes people over here have pointed out to 
me that it is impossible for an undergraduate to work 
his way through our older universities. I have, of 
course, told them that while it would be very awkward 
to have a fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled 
linen in England, still we had a way whereby a man 
could work his way through any university and espe- 



SHELLS 127 

dally the older ones. I told them that at my college 
there were always at least twenty men who received 
no money from home, but by comparatively hard work 
they were able to win scholarships and exhibitions. 
So that really things are much the same, the only 
difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are 
much older, people have had time to die in greater 
numbers and consequently there have been more 
bequests. I cannot say that I have had much oppor- 
tunity to study the person called here a " lounge 
lizard." Like his brother in England, he at once 
joined up and is now learning to be a soldier. 

I must admit that the American university man is 
very like his brother in England, just as irresponsi- 
ble, just as charming and often possessed with the 
same firm determination to do as little work as pos- 
sible under the circumstances. The only difference 
lies in the fact that after leaving college he is sucked 
into a whirlpool of exciting business and sometimes 
he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river 
of wealth wondering if it has really been worth while. 

" You know how to live in England," they often 
say to me. " We don't. We work too hard, and we 
play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea how 
to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to we 
that a little American vim introduced to an English 
graduate would be an excellent thing ; for after he has 
left college and is making an ass of himself in the city 



128 OVER HERE 

he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford 
hall mark is an excellent thing in the vicarage draw- 
ing room, it causes its possesser some sad moments in 
the business world of London or of anywhere else. 

Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from 
Oxford and Cambridge ; but I think most of them will 
admit that there is a certain amount of truth in what I 
say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Em- 
pire I have found the varsity man a magnificent type 
of Britisher, but it is obvious that he has got to learn 
a few lessons, and lessons are sometimes hard things 
to learn. 



SUBMARINES 
Bethlehem, U. S. A., August 30, 1917. 

The other day Dicky C and I went to 

Atlantic City for the week end. So many of my Beth- 
lehem friends go to this place every year, that I 
felt my American experience would not be complete 
without a visit. We left this town at about three 
o'clock ; we ought to have left sooner. The chauffeur 
developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and 
this worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told 
me with some pride the number of times he had been 
arrested on the White Horse Pike. The caution of 
the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our 
destination at about ten o'clock at night. 

Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossi- 
ble for a time to get either rooms or food. At the 
hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were turned 
down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of 
our noses or our clothing or something. We spent 
one dollar fifty in telephone calls trying to get some 
hotel to take us in. 

We started with the good ones, but even the fifth 
class houses were full. I therefore approached the 
clerk and explained that I was a British officer with 
nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This 
worked like magic. 

9 129 



130 OVER HERE 

We were shown into what was called a club room 
near the top of the building, where twelve beds were 
arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow guests were 
not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony 
in case any of them snored. The building is a beauti- 
ful one, having wonderful sort of battlements, and we 
fixed our beds out on one of these. 

Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable 
place, but the head waiter was not impressed. He 
certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes. 
About these clothes — I had on a very good sort of 
golf kit. I almost know the sheep on the Island of 
Harris off of which the wool forming the material 
came. My stockings were thick and home made in the 
Highlands, and my brogues were made by Mr. Max- 
well in Dover Street. Dicky was turned out simi- 
larly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked 
fine. Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars 
as his usual patrons do, we would have been ushered 
in with much bowing, but we preferred to starve 
rather than to give him a cent. 

We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could 
get nothing, not even a poached egg. Dicky was get- 
ting crabby. After an hour we at last got into a hot 
cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate 
all sorts of grills, also clams. After this Dicky be- 
came brighter, and I also felt more kindly, so we 
hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on 



SUBMARINES 131 

the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with 
much enjoyment of all the sin and wickedness exist- 
ing in Atlantic City. His stories, very lurid, were 
mixed up with automatic " planners " into which one 
put a nickel. 

Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests 
of the club room in bed, so we stole out on to the bat- 
tlement and soon were sound asleep. 

I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shin- 
ing on my head threatening to melt my brain. I 
looked up towards the hotel and noted that we were 
sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about 
eight stories. Immediately above us stretched a line 
of windows marking a staircase, and out of each win- 
dow looked a head. It was really a study in black 
and white. There were black maids, and white maids, 
and they were all interested in Dicky as he lay there 
with the sun turning his light coloured hair into gold. 
I awoke him, and we both got inside and dressed. 

After breakfast, arid as it was a table d'hote we 
were not at all sparing in our choice of food, we sat 
for a time on a charming balcony overlooking the 
Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. 
I made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a 
little disappointing. I had always hoped that the 
British Empire contained the lost tribes of Israel. It 
does not. The United States of America has that 
honour. 



132 OVER HERE 

We then sought a dressing room, and after re- 
moving our clothes and donning " fashionable bath- 
ing things " we sought the sand. It was all very 
thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. 
There was a continuous procession of persons clad in 
bathing things, thousands of them. Few went into 
the water. There was much that was really beauti- 
ful. There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, 
beautifully built, with clean cut, good looking faces, 
walking along enjoying their youth. There were some 
priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike 
women's bathing suits. They are theoretically meant 
for bathing in, but why on earth should they wear 
those extraordinary hideous garments: They look 
awful when they return from the water. Their stock- 
ings are all dragged round their legs and if they are 
shoeless the toe part of the stockings seems to escape 
and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no 
intention of swimming. Their faces were often pow- 
dered and painted and their hair arranged in a most 
engaging way. Still many were delightful to look 
upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there 
are very strict rules about women's costumes at 
Atlantic City. My landlady assures me that she has 
seen the policemen measuring the length of a girl's 
swimming skirt ! 

I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking 
along. American men's dress often seems designed to 



SUBMARINES 133 

spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches are some- 
times a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are 
short, displaying a good looking silk shirt ; and some- 
times as the breeches are low at the waist, the shirt 
sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he places on his 
good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruc- 
tion of his personal appearance is quite complete. 
But on the beach at Atlantic City all this is changed, 
and one realizes that the standard of manly physical 
beauty in this country is a very high one. 

The bathing suit here in America is exactly like 
the kit we wear for Rugby football. Perhaps it would 
be better for swimming if it were lighter, and in one 
piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is 
obviously better that it should be as it is. 

Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to 
look upon. There were thousands of men and 
women who had reached the unlovely stage of their 
existence. Large portly men walked about un- 
ashamed and women with large stout legs encased 
sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one 
walked along the beach the society seemed to change. 
Towards the poorer part of the town the people were 
a little older and less interesting. We came to one 
section where most of the bathers and promenaders 
were coloured people. I must say at once that the 
effect was singularly diverting. The young coloured 
ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned out. These 



134 OVER HERE 

American negroes look like awfully nice people. One 
would see a young coloured lady with an expensive 
and sometimes a beautiful swimming suit walking be- 
side a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed so 
happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they 
dashed about with their strong little limbs. Unfor- 
tunately we had little time for observation because 
Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of 
the beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow 
that one sees at a country fair, and he insisted upon 
returning to have another look. This fat man sat 
there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed 
while a crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed 
to like it, too. Human egotism is truly wonderful. 
The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open 
air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing. 

I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a 
thing of use it is delightful. One can walk for miles 
along its length, seeing a strange procession of human 
beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made of 
wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and 
unstable foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel 
with its magnificent architecture. Still it provides 
a very restful way to walk, and I suppose it has its 
uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should 
come to this strange place and turn themselves into 
money fountains and, upon running dry, return to 
business ; though of course it is fine to be with a crowd 
of cheerful people. 



SUBMARINES 135 

I have never visited any of our seaside resorts dur- 
ing the summer season, so I cannot well compare 
Atlantic City with any of them. I don't think that a 
similar place would be popular in England. Of 
course, we were there at a rather difficult time. I 
have been told that prices go up about twenty-five 
per cent, or even more during August. 

Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretch- 
ing for several miles along the Atlantic coast. The 
hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from their archi- 
tecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our 
hotel has a place called the Submarine Grill. The 
idea the artist wishes to convey is that the diners are 
spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea. The 
general effect is rather lovely and the colouring sug- 
gests the inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, 
in spite of the sea idea. Perhaps the mermaids of 
Atlantic City make up for this ; and there are many. 
However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large 
sum for three bows and a continuous smile and are 
ushered to the best seats, under the circumstances. 
The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very 
large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer. 

Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between 
us, but the price for our sleeping places had been 
small, and it looked as though we would return with 
about two dollars between us, until we met the chauf- 
feur, and asked him for his expense account. Having 



136 OVER HERE 

paid it — it was one dollar more than my bill at the 
hotel, we possessed about three shillings, or seventy- 
five cents. This obviously left us but little money 
for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we 
went into a mysterious automat eating house and 
managed to subtract a little nourishment from its 
shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the chauf- 
feur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed 
the whole thing, but I have no intention and no desire 
to return. 

It was the touch of nature that made the day en- 
joyable for me — the people, black and white, and the 
sea. But I objected to the hardly-veiled begging dis- 
played by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they 
have got to live, " mais je n'en vols pas la necessite," 
as some philosopher remarked. 

When passing through the hotel on the Saturday 
evening I saw a lady quietly but beautifully dressed. 
She looked about twenty. I was certain that I knew 
her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. 
I went over and said : " How d'ye do." We chatted 
for a time, but in spite of all my efforts I could not 
place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered. 
She was the prim demure little lady from whom; I have 
bought my " movie " tickets for the last six months. 
American girls are truly wonderful. We arrived at 
Bethlehem at about midnight. 



XI 

AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 

There is one phrase over here that one is con- 
stantly hearing — " Rule for the people by the 
people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great 
American, now beloved by all, used it on the occa- 
sion of his famous speech at Gettysburg. As far as 
I can see, Lincoln gave that thing called democracy a 
great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual 
battle for the United States, and won. 

Of course, I did not come to the United States 
to learn about Abraham Lincoln. In my child- 
hood's memory, he, George Washington, King 
Arthur, King Alfred, and the great figure called 
Gladstone are all safely enshrined. These were all 
mixed with Moses and the prophets, but Lincoln's 
log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand 
I learnt about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old sol- 
dier who had fought the Maoris, and had seen the 
first two sparrows arrive in a cage from England. I 
wish they hadn't. 

Since my arrival in America I have heard a great 
deal about Lincoln. He and his words are held up as 
a shield against all potential enemies outside the 
United States. Always are the words " Rule for the 

137 



138 OVER HERE 

people by the people " hurled from the lips of that 
type of orator who talks about " red blooded Ameri- 
cans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of 
yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words 
hurled against enemies without. No one ever applies 
them to the more deadly type that lurks within the 
national household. And so Lincoln's great words 
sometimes seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who 
are not newspaper editors. 

Let me explain: The American people don't rule 
the country as far as I can see. Things go along 
smoothly and the mob spirit isi kept at bay because, 
owing to the greatness of the country, its happy cli- 
mate, its wonderful natural resources, the opportuni- 
ties for expansion supplied to all the people, no one 
gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any foolish- 
ness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set 
of men who make politics their business. 

I have never yet met a young man under twenty- 
five who was in the faintest degree interested in the 
rule of his country. He has so many other things to 
think about. Although I don't think he works harder, 
really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at 
business are very long and there don't seem to be more 
than about two holidays in the year. His life is tense. 
He starts school with games that bring out all his en- 
thusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his tem- 
perament. Even football has developed into a form of 



AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 139 

trench warfare, sometimes not without frightfulness. 
Then he enters business with one object — to get on, to 
push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business 
schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all 
kinds of seedy looking gentlemen who put up to him 
schemes of insurance and what not. He must have a 
car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. 
He never seems able to rest, at work or at play, and 
so he carries on, brimming over with enthusiasm. One 
is always seeing it. 

Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. 
It was essential that the people should subscribe, so a 
week was spent in what amounted to a " drive." 
There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men 
rushed about in dirty looking automobiles and made 
quite willing people subscribe. Luncheons were held 
each day. The collectors were divided into small com- 
panies, each with a captain and a separate table. 
The tables vied with one another in their efforts to 
collect the most money. It was a wonderful scheme 
and it worked well. I rather loved it. One heard 
young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up 
bursting into song. Even the church helped. Of 
course, we got the money all right. If a man wants 
to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm. 

So the life of a decent American boy is often one 
long exciting tense existence. Now I think in some 
ways that this is admirable, but this enthusiastic ex- 



140 OVER HERE 

istence has formed a national trait. A man must get 
there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is 
getting there. He does not care if the day coach he 
is riding in on a train is ugly and often dirty ; it is 
nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean 
as long as it draws him along. He is not concerned 
for more than five minutes if the railroad company 
dashes locomotives through his city killing a few 
people en route because they have not time or inclina- 
tion to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid 
deadly level crossings. It has not occurred to him to 
realize that a dirty locomotive uncleaned by careful 
hands will not get him there really. Seldom is an 
American train on time. Some are, of course, but I 
have often waited from an hour to several hours for a 
train. 

So the men who make politics their business take 
advantage of this — not wickedly, I think, but never- 
theless they appeal to this national enthusiasm, and 
they get away with it. No man is perfect, and poli- 
ticians always seem to me the least perfect of men. 
The results are obvious. The political machine works 
in jumps and often breaks down at a critical moment. 
It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault of 
the people who refuse to supervise its work. The 
people have responded to the political enthusiasm 
around election time and then they are finished. Of 
course, I think it is all wrong. 



AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 141 

One looks for the guiding hand of the people and 
one cannot find it. It ought to be displayed in the 
press, but of all powerless institutions the American 
press is the most powerless. It can rage against a 
politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. 
And yet the American press is truly very fine. I read 
every word of the New York Times, the New York 
Sun, and the Public Ledger every day and they are 
entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, 
of leading papers and they are delightful people. 
They combine often the delightful American boyish- 
ness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still 
they know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, 
and if they are to sell their papers they must appeal 
to it; so even the papers I have mentioned often 
display flamboyant headings about nothing in 
particular. 

At election time, of course, the papers have a wide 
influence, but during the time when the laws of the 
country are being made they always seem to me to be 
entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of 
the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the 
press ought not to last a week. They try, of course, 
valiantly, but if they display disapproval, backed up 
with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely de- 
scribed as " newspaper talk." 

And then the police! You know as well as I do 
that if a mere suspicion is breathed against an English 



142 OVER HERE 

policeman by a good newspaper, the thing is thor- 
oughly investigated and if the charge is well founded 
the policeman disappears. The police in England 
are our friends and we look after them, but they 
must do their duty well. I don't quite understand 
the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the 
police official of rank is appointed by the mayor. 
The mayor is elected, not soberly and carefully, 
but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has 
a regular campaign for his position. Of course, 
there is no objection in the world to this, but the de- 
cisions of the people are given in moments of en- 
thusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the 
satellites of the prospective mayor. The newspapers 
help him or they don't; but whatever they do, they 
do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are some- 
times brought against a prospective mayor that 
would cause an English newspaper to be suppressed 
for libel. As far as I can see, the head police officials 
are dependent for their positions upon the retention of 
the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, 
conscientious man, but you know as well as I do, that 
the tribe spirit is merely dormant in us mortals, and 
the very best of us like to help our friends. And then 
the police officials are always being criticised by the 
newspapers. Sometimes they are praised in a most 
extravagant manner, and, a few weeks after, they get 
slanged to bits. Criticise your members of parliament, 



AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 143 

tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but 
surely it is foolish to criticise the cop. 

I am not going to talk about graft amongst the 
police because I don't know anything about it. But 
one hears very strange stories. 

If the people ruled this country, instead of allow- 
ing their national trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I 
supposq it would be all right. As a matter of fact, 
things go along quite smoothly. The American folk 
are awfully good natured and never worry about any- 
thing in particular. Hence they don't mind if Broad- 
way continues to suggest a particularly unpleasant 
line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the 
telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a 
storm, not because of the fury of the elements, but be- 
cause the telephone company has laid its wires care- 
lessly and untidily. 

An American young man sometimes does not even 
know the name of his congressman — he never reads 
what the said gentleman says before the House. He 
just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his 
duty as a citizen of a very great nation whose men 
have died for the privilege of ruling their own coun- 
try. When anyone expresses annoyance with a par- 
ticularly bad road, he remarks : " These damn 
politicians ! " 

It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. 
It will carry him and his family well. The next man 



144 OVER HERE 

finds it wanting, so he patches it. A concourse of 
persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the 
elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds 
another one just as flimsy, just as weak and just as 
beautiful to look upon as the first fellow's effort. And 
an American thinks he is " getting there." 

These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not 
apply to the West or the Middle West. 

And, of course, he does get there, but it all is 
owing to the great big background to his character 
which he inherits from his ancestors, and his natural 
efficiency allied to good health. 

Of course, some will urge that this country is still 
a melting pot. That may be true, but as far as I can 
see the immigrant of the first generation has little in- 
fluence. Great big things are ahead for this country, 
but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I 
can see millions of young men returning from the war 
in Europe with an inquiring mind. These men will 
have realized the value, the effectiveness of discipline, 
and they will apply it to their servants, the gentlemen 
in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. 
The police will also be their servants, not their mas- 
ters, and a cop will not have to worry about elections 
and rude remarks in the papers unless he deserves 
them. 

The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, 
the time supplied for reflection will mould the national 



AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 145 

character. Things will then change for hotel clerks, 
head waiters, and all the million other satellites, that 
prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness 
of our cousins. 

Americans will also become a little more lazy and 
will realise that it profits a man nothing in this won- 
derful world if he gains five million dollars and gets 
a nervous breakdown. An American man never 
seems able to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the 
climate. Slow country life bores him to desperation ; 
he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large estate until 
he has reached a great age. 

Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they 
would say: " Et tu Brute; are you so perfect? " I 
could only reply : " We are a good deal worse, but 
our confounded papers guard us a little and we do 
stand by our cops. Go thou and do likewise." 



XII 

SIX DAYS' LEAVE 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., September 30, 1917. 

I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regi- 
ment. Towards the beginning of the month I felt 
that it would be a good idea to try and see some 
fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, 
and I was feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in 
New York if he would allow me to visit some friends 
for a few days. He agreed and so I decided to visit 
the commodore and his wife on the " Reina Mercedes " 
at Annapolis. The " Reina Mercedes " was captured 
by the American Navy at Santiago. Her own crew 
sank her hoping to block the channel at the entrance 
to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy 
white, possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple 
of thin masts, she acts as a receiving ship at the 
Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat, and 
the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for 
his wife and family. 

I left Bethlehem at 3 p.m., arrived at Philadelphia 
somewhere around five o'clock and decided to get into 
uniform sometime during the evening before catching 
the midnight train for Washington. 

While the kit of a mounted officer in the British 

146 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 147 

army has certain attractions for the wearer in Eng- 
land and France, its leather field boots, Bedford cord 
breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot 
and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in 
Philadelphia. At eleven o'clock, with still an hour 
to wait for my train, an iced drink became a necessity, 
so I descended to the cafe and suggested to the waiter 
that he should supply me with an iced drink as large 
as possible. I thought that orangeade might meet 
the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint julep. The 
drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and Ameri- 
can people make the most wonderful soft drinks in 
the world. The very word " mint " suggested cool- 
ness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at 
Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind 
as I sat behind a large column in the cafe. Hence I 
said: " Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He did, 
curse him ! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. 
The glass was all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while 
a dainty little bunch of green mint with its stems 
piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more 
thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry. 

I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, 
a trifle dry perhaps, but delicious. For a soft drink 
the effect was decidedly interesting. My first sensa- 
tion was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. 
I felt myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with 
overhanging willows and masses of mint growing on 



148 OVER HERE 

the banks. I felt that delightful sensation that one 
feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of 
gas and one is just returning to consciousness. It is 
a jar to one's nerves when the dentist's voice is first 
heard and the attending lady in the uniform of a 
nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, 
with all its troubles and dentists returns to one's 
consciousness. 

This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, 
and then I could see the panelled walls of the room, 
and I heard what seemed a still small voice talking in 
extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in 
what must have been good French. The voice using 
the bad French was very familiar and then I realized 
that it was my own. I promptly switched to English, 
but the voice was still far distant. Finally full con- 
sciousness returned, also a realization of the situa- 
tion. Then the voice in the distance said : " Waiter, 

your d mint julep has gone to my head and I 

must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The 
waiter's voice expressed sorrow and suggested much 
water and more sandwiches. I drank water and I ate 
sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the 
wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was 
thankful that, in spite of all, I could see my watch; 
but if the waiter had not been firm I should have 
missed my train. The water and sandwiches were suc- 
cessful. A faint knowledge of Christian Science 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 149 

picked up from my chief in New York helped and in a 
perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel 
and along the road and caught my train. 

I would advise all foreigners arriving in America 
to avoid mint juleps. I am not going to say that the 
experience was not pleasurable. It was extremely 
pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken 
several hours after a meal when one drinks but little 
at any time is extremely potent. I have been told 
since that just after a meal a mint julep is com- 
paratively harmless and that it is not a soft drink. 
Frankly I will never touch one again as long as I 
live. There were too many possibilities lurking in 
its icy depths. 

I arrived in Washington safely and found that 
my uniform acted as a wonderful talisman. Every 
officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to show 
kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for 
a meal. 

I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the tele- 
phone, commenced to accumulate friends from certain 
officers' training stations around. Most of them had 
not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were 
dressed in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's 
store — good material, but badly fitting. However 
this fact could not in the slightest alter the effect 
produced by the glowing health that seemed to char- 
acterize all of them. 



150 OVER HERE 

Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes 
of a thoroughbred in perfect condition. One or two 
had lost a little weight, with some advantage perhaps. 
In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though 
they had been before the war, military training, plain 
good food, and an entire absence of mint juleps had 
worked magic. 

We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming 
so recently from that town that both they and I had 
grown to love, we commenced that form of conversa- 
tion which consists of many questions and no an- 
swers. You know the sort — everybody pleased with 
everybody else and everybody talking at once. I 
forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it con- 
sisted of, " Gee ! Mac, but you do look fine in the 
English uniform. Have you been over to see Lucy 
lately? How's Lock? Are * yer ' getting your guns 
a bit quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still 
serve funny drinks? We're all on the wagon now 
even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter. 
We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us 
have those addresses soon. Gee! but we'll all have 
some parties in London some day. We've got to 
work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt 
better in our lives." 

Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and 
uniforms. Young officers always get smitten with a 
very pleasing disease which makes them rush about 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 151 

any city buying every conceivable form of equip- 
ment and uniform. They'll buy anything. They'll ex- 
tract from a pleased though overworked tailor prom- 
ises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them 
he ought to spend many hours in bitter remorse for 
supplying clothing and uniform that would have 
been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy 
in the days of the great peace. 

It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. 
We all had it in England in the latter days of 1914 
and the early days of 1915. We also caused expres- 
sions of horror and dismay to creep over the well- 
bred faces of the regular officers we found at our 
barracks. 

However we all rushed about Washington enjoy- 
ing the process of being saluted and saluting. We 
assaulted a department store and descended to the 
basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, 
especially the latter, did what he could for us. He 
was interested in what he called the " goods " which 
formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had 
not adopted our uniform with its large pockets and 
comfortable collar. I've often wondered about this 
myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks smarter, 
although I am sure that it must choke a fellow. 

These fellows are going to make wonderful offi- 
cers, I am sure. The whole thing brought back to 
me the wonderful early days of the war when we were 



152 OVER HERE 

all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. 
We still enjoy fighting him since he is such a 
blighter, but nowadays it is slightly different. It has 
become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for we 
know what we are up against. 

Of course when you first get over there the chances 
of getting knocked out seem one in fifty, but after six 
months it becomes " fifty-fifty." After nine months 
or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to 
grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes un- 
bearable. It is then time to get a " Blighty " and a 
rest in hospital. 

A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon 
is well worth while, merely to see the young officers 
going about. They are very careful about saluting. 
I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but 
it seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees 
the effect of military life on the many men walking 
about the streets. 

One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the 
number of junior officers who were over thirty. It 
would seem that this in America were a good thing. 
I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the 
young junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. 
We find in our army that the subaltern of immature 
age gets this much more easily than anyone else. 
Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it 
comes to the actual difficult, dangerous work, the 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 153 

leading of a charge, for instance, the youngster can 
sometimes carry it off with less effort than the older 
man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of 
judgment possessed by the older chap. Possibly he 
will attempt the most impossible kind of stunts. 
However, time will tell and it is useless to compare 
British experience in this respect with American. 

In our army it is only the subaltern and the field 
marshal who can afford to be undignified. A little 
lack of dignity on the part of both is often effective. 
A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He 
is like a second year man at a university — just a little 
difficult to manage. In our army, the men seem to 
take a fatherly interest in their platoon commander 
and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course, 
when you become a captain or a major or something 
equally great, then it is a different matter, but the 
subaltern has so much personal intercourse with his 
men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling of 
love and affection to this relation it is a great help on 
a nasty, rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The 
subaltern forms a connecting link between the men 
and the more superior officers, and that link becomes 
very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic 
youth who makes a few unimportant mistakes some- 
times, but with all is a very proper little gentleman, 
who understands when a fellow makes a break occa- 
sionally. There's nothing greater in this world than 



154 OVER HERE 

love, and in my experience there's nothing finer over 
there in France than the affection, and protective in- 
terest shown by the dear old British Tommy for the 
youth, not long out of school, who is his " orficer " and 
a "proper torf " into the bargain, or what the Sammee 
would call a " reg'lar feller." 

After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, 
and catching a slightly unclean trolley car found my- 
self dashing along to Annapolis. 

At the academy gates I was met by a coloured 
steward who, after feeling the weight of my bag, asked 
if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I hoped so, 
but merely laughed lightly. At the " Reina " I was 
received cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and 

their two nieces R and M . They are both 

ripping girls of entirely different types. R is 

what we would call in England a typical American 
girl — original, bright, happy-go-lucky, a delightful 

companion ; while M represents an international 

type of young womanhood ; sympathetic, the sort of 
girl that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy 
says : " One wat knows all abawt yer and yet likes 
yer." 

The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on 
board full of enthusiasm and witty remarks, that 
would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep them 
back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I 
was very glad to see him. His father, a naval officer 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 155 

of rank, had lived at Annapolis during his son's 
boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation for 
being the " baddest " boy in America. He was brim- 
ming over with mischief and was the terror of the 
young midshipmen who had attained sufficient seni- 
ority to be allowed to walk out with young persons. 

He is still full of mischief and loves to tease 
people, but the person being " ragged " always enjoys 
the process. I met him first at a large steel plant. 
For two years he had worked very hard, practically 
as a laborer, refusing to go about with the young 
people of the town. Finally, however, he got promo- 
tion and found himself in the sales department. He 
now burst upon our local society and no party was 
complete without him. He is very much a man's man. 
He says more witty, droll things in one week than 
most people say in five years. 

As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a 
" gob," in other words an ordinary seaman. How- 
ever, he got a commission, and was soon sent to An- 
napolis for a short course of intensive training. 

We all chatted for a time and then walked round 
the city of Annapolis. Annapolis is very like Cam- 
bridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and has 
numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen 
Anne houses in England. It seemed sound asleep. 

We sought a movie show, and went in to see some 
star alleged to be good looking, playing in a piece 



156 OVER HERE 

called " The Snake's Tooth." There were no ser- 
pents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and 
bourgeois looking, but she wore some stunning frocks 
for her more agonizing scenes. There was a hand- 
some looking fellow moving about the screen very well 
dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the 
chair was not meant for sleeping in. 

After the show we went to a party given by one 
Peter, which was a great success. We were the first 
to arrive, but soon numbers of other people came in. 
I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with 
both my host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's 
sister and our hostess, told me that she loved my 
countrymen ; and I told her that it would be impossi- 
ble for all my countrymen not to love her, which re- 
mark seemed to please her. They've got a ripping 
little house all filled with old china, prints, and 
daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery 
party. All the men were in uniform and everybody 
knew everybody else and I was quite sorry when we 
had to return to the " Reina Mercedes " for dinner. 

However, after dinner we went to the local inn and 
danced, but unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock 
with my spurs so we sought the grill room, an under- 
ground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince 
in a fashionable mausoleum. 

The next day we all set off in launches to visit 
some friends who have a charming country house on 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 157 

the Severn. There were about twenty of us and we 
decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There 
are no rules or regulations to our club but as we 
form a mutual admiration society it is impossible to 
remain a member unless you like or are liked by the 
other members. We made the Commodore president 
and his wife vice-president. 

We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, 
swimming, boating, dancing, and all sorts of other 
amusing things. Our host and hostess had engaged 
the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us 
about everywhere even while we were all swimming. 
I have never tried to swim to music before. 

The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have 
heard people in Australia boasting about Sydney 
Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the 
praises of the Waitemata ; I have heard Tasmanians 
observing that there is no place in the world like the 
Derwent River ; but I have never yet heard an Ameri- 
can say a great deal about the Severn River. And 
yet I cannot imagine anything more lovely than this 
wide stream which winds its stately way through the 
low lying hills of Maryland. 

The few houses that appear amidst the foliage 
help to add beauty to the whole effect, and when the 
stream reaches the grounds of the academy, with first 
the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, 
arid finally the main group of buildings, the effect is 



158 OVER HERE 

just wonderful. You should be there on a summer's 
afternoon when the river is literally covered with the 
sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice sea- 
manship. Some of them man long-boats and dash 
past with long sweeps crashing into the blue water, 
keeping perfect time. They all wear little round caps 
edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear 
worn by the ordinary seaman. 

Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by 
gentlemen wearing the ordinary naval officer's caps 
but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches. They are 
naval reserve officers and are out with the fell pur- 
pose of laying mines of a harmless nature, and when 

they pass M , R , and I give up enticing the 

wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we have 
dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look 
to see if we can recognize any of our club members. 

Sometimes we see J , sometimes we catch a 

glimpse of B ; often J is at the helm, so we 

all wave, but they are much too serious about their 
work to notice us, so we return to the job of catching 
crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab catching is 

rather fun, but R is very bad at it for as soon as 

a crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to 
the bait, she gets very excited and the crab gets sus- 
picious and lets go. 

One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent 
and had tea, and I am perfectly certain that we 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 159 

stayed too long, but we hated leaving, because our 
hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it 
was their fault. There were several midshipmen 
present; third year men, I believe. That academy 
training would make a man out of any " rabbit." 

At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval 
reserve graduated, and we all went to see the cere- 
mony. The superintendent made a short speech, 
every sentence of which was of value — short, brisk, 
bright, inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then 
addressed the men and presented them with their 
diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went up and 
returned with their certificates. K got a par- 
ticularly enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of 
great size, a mighty man before the Lord, a fine type 
of American manhood. He now commands a subma- 
rine destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche 
sea soldiers won't get him. 

After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little 
miserable in spite of the fact that we were all going to 
meet in New York, a few days later, at a party given 
by a very charming American lady who had invited 
us to be her guests in New York. 

The New York party was a great success. I 
occupied an apartment at the hotel which the Duke 
of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We 
went to theatres together and also visited the Mid- 
night Frolic. 



160 OVER HERE 

The very name " Midnight Frolic " suggests sin 
and wickedness, but the show is not at all wicked, 
really. If you want to be particularly devilish, the 
thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a 
glass gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. 
This struck me as being a little curious, because it 
could either be impossibly revolting or merely futile. 
It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain 
men feel themselves to be " reg'lar fellers " as they 
look at these ladies from an impossible angle. I 
wonder why they have it, but I suppose the people 
running the show realize that it takes lots of people 
to make up this funny world, and that quite a large 
portion of humanity, while hating to be really nasty, 
likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to others. 
I guess that they are merely " showing off " like the 
people at the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. 
This world would be a very puritanical place if folk 
showed themselves to be as good as they really are. 

The next night we went to a musical comedy 
which had some bright spots marred a little by the 
leading actor who possessed the supreme courage to 
imitate a rather more clever person than himself — 
Billy Sunday. Of course, if Billy Sunday is a knave 
then the actor chap is doing the right thing to expose 
him, but quite numbers of people have been made a 
little better by the Reverend William and the evidence 
seems to show that he is sincere and just as capable 



SIX DAYS' LEAVE 161 

of making men better as of being able to play a jolly 
good game of base ball. " Voild! " 

A few days after this I visited two members of 
the Reina Club who are married to each other and 
who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby. I 
loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and 
her wee nose was all red at the corners and her tiny 
eyes were watering, but that did not prevent her 
from being a profound optimist. She looked at me 
doubtfully for a moment while she wondered if I 
would respond to the great big smile she threatened 
to give me. I got the smile all right. 

And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind re- 
fuses to think about guns and gun carriages, but 
rather persists in soaring sometimes down to An- 
napolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the 
ocean to the Irish channel, at all of which places I 
have warm friends amongst the sailors of Uncle Sam. 



11 



XIII 

GUNS AND CARRIAGES 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. 

I want to tell you about an interesting race of 
people called " inspectors." If you are merely a foot- 
slogger, and know nothing about guns and carriages, 
I had better give you a slight idea of the things that 
happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches 
the comparative rest of the battlefield. 

Now the word " inspector " at once suggests 
someone who inspects. I've had to inspect my men 
in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation 
of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But 
the inspection of a gun is a very different matter. As 
a mere person who is responsible for the firing of the 
thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who 
desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was al- 
ways wont to call the whole thing, including the 
wheels and all the mechanism, a " gun." But this 
showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the 
tubes of steel, with the top or outside one termed the 
jacket, that form what a layman would call the 
barrel, and a properly trained recruit " the piece." 
All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with 
inspectors be very careful about this. They are gen- 
162 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 163 

erally awfully good at mathematics, and can dictate 
letters by the yard without winking. They can work 
out fearful things called curves. I believe this has 
something to do with strain, and suggests to my un- 
mathematical mind the dreadful thing I had to draw 
in order to get through my " little go." 

Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage 
doesn't just make the thing, and then after a few 
trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying: 
" Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, 
I don't think it will burst during the first preliminary 
bombardment and kill a few men." No sir ! The in- 
spector is responsible to his government, that every 
inch of that gun and carriage is according to specifi- 
cation. I should think that on an average each com- 
plete gun and carriage requires at least five pounds of 
correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater 
arguments, two heated discussions and one decent 
fight. I have been present at a fight or two and 
have come to the wholesome conclusion that both sides 
were right — so what can you do? 

Now inspectors can be easily divided into two 
classes — the thorough mechanic who knows more than 
the manufacturer about the production of the piece 
he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only 
requires to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom 
or never has the arguments, unless he lacks a sense of 
humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop fore- 



164 OVER HERE 

man boasted : " That ther koirnel could condemn 
every bit of woirk in the shop without making a 
single enemy." Now in these times of stress the fel- 
low above described is a rare blessing, so the men on 
the job have got to do their very best. Still inspec- 
tors are strange and interesting people. 

Before I came out here, I toured all the great 
munition factories in England. I had a wonderful 
time, but never met an inspector. Now that I come 
to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at 
the table at lunch one day some gunner officers, but I 
thought that they were anti-aircraft fellows. They 
must have been inspectors. 

In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely 
different proposition. The firm that manufactures 
artillery and shells probably gets an order for half a 
dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is 
liberal. Then the inspector's job and the manufac- 
turer's is simple. The inspector must have rigid at- 
tention to specifications, and the manufacturer, pos- 
sibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should 
think then that things would run smoothly. 

In these days of stress the contract time is cut 
down to the shortest possible, and instead of getting 
orders by the dozen, a manufacturer gets them by the 
hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is 
that all his men are on the job. Also many other 
munition firms are doing the same sort of work and 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 165 

really good workmen become scarce. Then again the 
inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it 
naturally takes years to make a really good inspector. 
Still the fellows I know do their very utmost to make 
things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a little 
about things as I see them, and of course I see them 
through inexperienced eyes. 

A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some 
money, thereby proving himself to be an optimist. Of 
course, he may succeed in making the gun. Poor 
fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the in- 
spector, too. But he cannot, and so commences a 
strife in comparison to which the great war is a 
mild performance. 

An inspector is ordered to inspect the production 
of guns at a given munition plant. He arrives, and 
meets the officials of the company, and the first hour is 
spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not 
deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice 
villains, so he must be on his guard. If, however, he 
is a villain himself, and I deny, of course, the existence 
of villainous inspectors, the matter should be easy and 
simple ; the whole process is delightful and the manu- 
facturer will make much money arid his optimism will 
be justified. If the manufacturer is an honest gentle- 
man and, strangely enough, all the manufacturers I 
have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector 
will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers 



166 OVER HERE 

are comparatively intelligent, and of course the vil- 
lainous inspector, if he existed, would soon leave a 
rope behind him upon which he could be safely 
hanged. Upon an occasion like this if it should 
happen, I, as a Briton, would sing " God Save Our 
Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly 
sing " The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only 
remember the words and had a voice of sufficient mo- 
bility. However, the whole position is difficult. There 
are boundless opportunities for an inspector to de- 
velop " frightfulness." 

But let us trace the history of a simple gun and 
carriage. Its opportunities for frightfulness and a 
frightful mess end only when it reaches the firing 
line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when 
it is issued to the battery. 

The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to 
make certain steel ingots. The inspectorial eye 
watches the billets. They must be of sufficient length 
so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will 
not form a vital part of the forging. Generally 
speaking, the intelligence of the steel man prevents 
this from happening so that the inspector merely gives 
this a little attention. 

The steel is then forged into what eventually will 
be tubes, breech rings, and jackets. You see a gun is 
generally made in at least two parts unless it is a 
very small one. They are shrunk together. The 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 167 

inspector ignores these forgings until they have been 
" heat-treated." It is sufficient to say that the forg- 
ings are placed in the hands of the gentleman in 
charge of the treatment department. After treat- 
ment, a portion of the steel is cut off. This portion 
enters the laboratory and here it is placed in a ma- 
chine which pulls it apart. The machine displays a 
sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The 
steel has got to stand a certain strain. At a certain 
strain it should stretch ; this is called the elastic limit. 
At a greater strain it should break, this is called the 
ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the gentle- 
man in charge of the treatment department has 
failed us all, and a feeling of exhaustion creeps over 
the man in charge of production, for he knows that 
he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets 
it through again. In these times of stress when all 
munition factories in America are endeavouring to 
work above their capacity the man in charge of 
production has a rotten time of it. 

However, the steel sometimes gets through and 
finally reaches a machine shop. Generally speak- 
ing, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much 
about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If 
the manufacturer has been clever he will have caused 
his own inspection staff to watch closely every inch 
of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes the 
metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the 



168 OVER HERE 

whole thing if it is very bad. If the fault is trifling 
he will have several arguments and a heated discussion 
including an appeal to the production man, who will 
sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector 
will decide to let the work go on. Inspectors are 
sometimes bad at deciding. They ponder and ponder 
and ponder until the production man decides that 
they are fools and the manufacturer's man decides 
that they are villainous and officious, and possess any 
amount of damnable qualities. It is all very difficult. 
I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, 
but it is interesting when you think that in a com- 
paratively simple gun and carriage there are at least 
three thousand parts, and every part contains the 
possibility of an argument. 

Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to 
its kings of manufacture? It would simplify matters 
considerably. You see Mr. Jones in the position of 
an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly 
Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much 
superior to any " damned Yankee," and takes a vastly 
superior attitude. This can be displayed in an argu- 
ment. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem 
Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the 
Duke of Baws, believe me, our national snobbishness 
would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of an in- 
spector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major 
Jones of the Terriers minus a sense of humour, from 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 169 

taking the futile attitude of superiority which could 
only be displayed by the wives and daughters of the 
more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in 
" Blighty." 

Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to 
regard inspectors as effete. Still I will be a traitor 
and say that a certain inspector who was at one time 
the manager of a large ordnance factory not many 
miles from Leamington did a great deal for our 
country over here during this time of trouble. I 
wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor. 
He was the " koirnal who could condemn any 
amount of work without making a single enemy." He 
had personality — that colonel. 

An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He 
must know his job thoroughly. He must know as 
much about manufacture and metallurgy as the aver- 
age officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows 
about horses. As I said before, the whole matter was 
perfectly simple in the days of peace. Now it is 
different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in 
these days for the job, so we have got to take what 
we can get. The most dangerous form of inspector 
is the fellow that knows just a little and pretends 
that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance 
allied to his sense of duty will make it impossible 
for him to decide when a part is serviceable, although 
not absolutely up to specifications. This man causes 
delays and trouble. 



170 OVER HERE 

Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but 
alas, possesses no sense of humour ! This type is 
called an obstructionist. He is very difficult, well 
nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and 
thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. 
He also enjoys his autocratic position. Quite often 
he gives in all right, but he lacks " sweet reasonable- 
ness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the 
value of personality in every branch of life. 

An essential quality in a good inspector is person- 
ality. This never exists minus a sense of humour. An 
inspector has to condemn masses of work — work that 
has had hours and hours of patient machining and 
fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, 
he uses a large axe when a fine surgical instrument 
would save a lot of trouble. In America it ought not 
to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American 
manufacturer is generally " sweetly reasonable." It 
always seems to me a good thing if you honestly dis- 
approve of a man or a nation, moreover, in dealing 
with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or 
forget them, if possible. Take the " wisest fool " in 
Christendom's advice to the Presbyterians at the 
Hampton Court conference — " Pray, gentlemen, con- 
sider that perhaps you may be wrong." 

In every organization there is always a definite 
procedure which has got to be adhered to. The big 
man and the fool will take a short cut sometimes and 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 171 

they often get away with it. Of course, they do not 
always and there is trouble, but the big man takes 
his punishment. The mediocre man will always stick 
to the beaten tracks, with the crowd. 

It has always seemed to me that during these dis- 
tressful times all short cuts should be taken. The 
guns have got to get to France and that is all about 
it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that 
matters. 

But talking about short cuts and fools, I remem- 
ber an awful thing that happened to me once in the 
early days of the war while we were training in Eng- 
land. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the 
charming job of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades 
to ride. It had to be done quickly, of course, so in- 
stead of taking the men into the riding school I used 
to take them across country. Of course, they fell 
off by the dozens. I commanded them to follow me 
and dashed down narrow tracks in the forest at a 
good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid 
branches or getting swept off. All kinds of things 
used to happen but they learnt to stick to their horses. 
Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am 
ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all 
the mounts from another battery. Quite selfish this, 
and when the officer commanding the battery whose 
horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, 
he was told that they had been pinched " by that 



172 OVER HERE 

there lootenant who takes the sergeants out over the 
hills to see the German prison camps." Of course, it 
is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole pro- 
ceeding and although all Battery D's horses had been 
taken they only numbered about twelve. Incidentally 
this officer said nothing to me about it, but he gave 
his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, 
showing himself thereby a clever man. However, I 
did not mind very much. My N.C.O.'s had to learn 
to ride and that was all about it. 

One day I decided that as they had all attained a 
good seat it might be a good idea to put them through 
a short course in the riding school. It was impor- 
tant that I should get the riding school at the time I 
wanted it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to 
say that I had not read orders that morning other- 
wise I would have scented danger. 

At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the 
riding school to prevent others from getting there be- 
fore me. I told them to hold the school against all 
comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only 
armed with sticks in those days, so they procured 
large sticks and took up a position at the door of the 
riding school. I wish I had read orders that day. 

At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the 
school, and to my horror I saw a gentleman on a large 
horse with a red cap and many decorations being 
held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 173 

strategic retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced 
in much fear. He rode up to me looking purple and 
said : " Did you put these men here to hold the riding 
school." I saluted and replied meekly : " Yes, sir ! " 
" Why, may I ask? " " Well, sir," I replied, " I have 
never had a chance to use the riding school and every 
time I come I find it already full." He looked bitterly 
at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" 
This silenced me. Then he started to move off but 
turning round asked me my name, and then he said: 
" Never put sentries at the door of a riding school ; it 
isn't soldiering." 

It was all very terrible but Providence looks after 
fools and I had my hour in the riding school. When 
lunch time came I rushed to the mess and looked at 
orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff 
officer had arranged to inspect a certain battery's 
equestrian powers that morning. The men under a 
sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the 
formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided 
to go somewhere else. The colonel then arrived and 
found my sentries. A staff colonel was nothing in 
their lives, but I as their " lootenant " was very much 
so, and they knew that they would get into trouble if 
they failed to do what I had ordered. I was very 
pleased with them, but knew there would be trouble 
for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it 
looked very bad. 



174 OVER HERE 

At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from 
the staff officer. My own colonel, a topping chap, 
who had left his charming old country house to help 
to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly 
colonels are sometimes a little deaf and they shout as 
a rule. I was very worried until I saw my own colonel 
looking down at me with a grin. A moment after, he 
gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said : 
" Timkins, you funny old top, fancy being kept out 
of the riding school by one of my subalterns ! " I 
felt safe after that and looked for promotion. 

Of course, I would not recommend that sort of 
thing to any one. After a time, I learnt better and 
discovered that at regular intervals during the week 
I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared 
in orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, i.e., that 
if you want a thing badly enough there are always 
ways of getting it if you are willing to take risks. 
However, it is a good idea to know the extent of 
the risk. 

In this life you must be honest, of course, but 
there is nothing like a little wiliness to help out occa- 
sionally. My major was the wiliest person I have 
ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than 
most people did in the brigade because he had been 
wounded at the Marne, though slightly, so that in 
the early days of training he was the only officer of 
rank who had seen service. 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 175 

One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores 
with about one hundred men, because he alleged that 
the " emergency caps " supplied to the men did not 
fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. 
These emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge 
and were the variety that are placed on the side of 
the head and that are shaped like the boats you make 
for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a 
section of the bellows of a concertina. 

Now the way to get stores from the ordnance 
depot is to write out a requisition. It is sent off by 
the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two, because he 
has not filled out the form correctly. However, after 
many weeks the things arrive but half of them may 
not fit, and there is trouble and worry. Upon no con- 
sideration, do you send your men to the stores to have 
the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossi- 
ble. However, off I went with my hundred men to 
Aldershot, eight miles distant. They were a funny 
bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the department 
where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself 
at the head, and then came into line in front of the 
building. It had never occurred before and astonish- 
ment was displayed on the faces of the sergeants and 
others, who wondered what should happen next. I 
sought the officer in charge and the sergeant took me 
to his office. On the way I took some shameless steps 
with the sergeant and made him my friend for life. 



176 OVER HERE 

The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not 
very pleased, but I talked a lot and made him regard 
himself as vital to my earthly happiness. I painted 
in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps ; how 
they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion 
ensued in the ranks as they all stooped to pick them 
up. He grew more friendly, and slightly amused, 
and said he would do what he could. We started to 
go out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonder- 
fully, but, alas, we met an old man with a red cap 
and of furious mien who stood looking at my brave 
soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He 
came to me and gave me blazes and ordered me to 
get out of it. He disliked intensely the fact that my 
major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the " D.C. 
O.S." or something equally dreadful ! I explained 
that the caps did not fit, and that we were desperate 
men. He said : " They do fit." " Well, sir, will you 
have a look? " We had to go round, in order to avoid 
a platform from which stores were loaded into wagons 
G. S. I jumped this place and quickly told the ser- 
geant to make the men put their caps on the very tip 
of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but 
to do it quickly. The men were fools — they took the 
matter as a joke and commenced exchanging one an- 
others' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning 
which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, 
caught them in the very act, appreciated the situa- 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 177 

tion and roared with laughter. After that it was 
not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with 
new emergency caps, but with beautiful field service 
khaki caps and they took away with them one hun- 
dred extra caps for the men at home. When this 
operation had finished the general said : " Now is 
there anything else that you want, for I'm damned if I 
will have you coming here again in this manner? " 
It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud 
soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at 
Deep Cut, each man wearing a perfect cap and carry- 
ing another. Of sixteen batteries, we were the only 
people who could boast of " caps, service field." 

The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not 
come off I should have been the person to get strafed, 
and not he. 

There are always short cuts, even in the inspec- 
tion of guns and carriages. 

I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get 
along out here possessing so much ignorance of busi- 
ness. It has been comparatively simple. I had no in- 
tention of being clever, even if it were possible, and 
from the start I took a perfectly honest line, and 
placed all my cards on the table. I found that this 
was a fairly unusual manner of doing business and it 
worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead 
of being cunning knaves, the American manufacturers 
of my experience were honest gentlemen. In any case, 
12 



178 OVER HERE 

I decided that if they were cunning the heights of my 
cunning would never reach theirs, owing to ray lack 
of experience. I also endeavoured to learn from them 
a " good approach." This helped. I just put it up 
to them. " Here am I out here to get work from you. 
We must have it. We've got to strafe the Germans 
somehow and it is up to you to help me." And 
they have, bless them, especially the big men. At any 
rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I 
have got. 

I think that I realized the situation. Not only 
had they mostly " bitten off more than they could 
chew," but they had not realized the difficulties they 
were up against. Of course, one had to use a little 
common sense. During my time here in America one 
has learnt a great deal, and, indeed, one has met some 
villains. They were not " Yankee manufacturers." 

Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in 
" Bleak House," and the street boy's eulogy after his 
death, " He was very good to me, he was " ? That is 
how I feel towards the men I have met during my time 
here. They have been very good to me, all of them. I 
suppose that if I had been an inspector the matter 
would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a 
little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play 
compared with theirs. 

The average American, like other folk, enjoys a 
decent fight, but he dislikes killing people by ma- 



GUNS AND CARRIAGES 179 

chinery; hence the machinery of war has never been 
manufactured to any great extent over here. The 
American is impatient of delay. He wants to get 
going. When held up, he sometimes fails to see the 
inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but 
optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often 
bring some bitterness of heart, and when an optimist 
develops bitterness, it's awful. 



XIV 

A PREMATURE 

Bethlehem, U. S. A., November, 1917. 

I have grown steadily to love the American 
people. English people I have met in this country 
have helped me so much. Contrasta ! ! 

I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, 
where a spade is called a spade — and that's all about 
it ; where, if you are strong enough, you knock a man 
down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I dis- 
covered that no one had any desire to call anyone 
else a liar. Lying persons, and those who told un- 
pleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaint- 
ances and as far as you were concerned they did not 
exist. " Napoo," as Tommy says. 

But the people one did know and like, one studied 
and endeavoured to understand. One also tried to 
act accordingly so that even if they behaved in a 
peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even 
suspect disapproval. 

So our older universities try valiantly to turn 
out, not necessarily educated persons, but persons 
who have a faint idea how to behave themselves 
when they are away from home. This does not 
mean merely the use of an elegant accent called here 
180 



A PREMATURE 181 

with a little amusement " English." It means that 
the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards any- 
one is merely a stupid bounder. It means also that 
the fellow who thinks himself, as a member of the 
British Nation, to be better or in any way superior 
to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, 
of course, but the mere thought of this superiority 
entering his mind ruins him at once, and, as I said 
before, turns him into a bounder. 

In other words, " Love your own country in- 
tensely and beyond all other countries, but for 
Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you 
regard yourself as a good specimen of its human 
production. If, unfortunately, you discover, not 
only that you love yourself, but also that it is owing 
to you and your like that the British Empire is great, 
climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay 
your dime, and then drop gracefully from the highest 
pinnacle. You will save your nation and your 
countrymen much suffering and a good deal of 
embarrassment. 

No one has ever given this advice before, I am 
quite sure: that probably accounts for the fact that 
Britishers do suffer and are embarrassed when they 
meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for 
it is quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite 
un-Christian to be a snob. Which is a strange fact, 
but true nevertheless : yet, who would suspect it. 



182 OVER HERE 

I used to think that an American was a hasty 
person, constantly talking about the finest thing on 
the earth, which he deemed everything American to 
be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward 
person, who delighted to show her liberty by upset- 
ting our old notions of propriety. I have often heard 
people telling the story of the American lady who 
thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that 
had never been extinguished for centuries — and all 
that sort of thing. In fact, anything outrageous 
done in England or on the continent by a woman is 
at once put down to an American. We had some 
charming specimens of Britons on the continent in 
the days of peace. 

And yet we sincerely like the American people. 
We don't mean to run them down really, but we assume 
a superior air that must be perfectly awful. I have 
been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at 
St. John's College, Oxford, where they seemed to have 
the unpleasant habit of breakfasting in hall, when I 
heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They were very 
friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent 
disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the 
moment, having lived for a year in America, I won- 
der how on earth one's attitude could have been such. 
Frankly, there seems no excuse : it is merely rude and 
unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this 
attitude. I wish that we could change, because the 



A PREMATURE 183 

effect over here is most regrettable. One would like 
the Americans to know us at our best, because we are 
not really an unpleasant people. 

Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune 
arrives " over here " and burns incense to the 
" Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not de- 
ceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over 
here as fair game. All Americans are hospitable, 
even the very poor, and a stray Englishman comes in 
for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes 
a superior attitude, although unconsciously. 

The American people have mostly been with us 
all along in our efforts to fight the Germans. The 
well educated people definitely like us, but the great 
mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses 
that way. People don't know this. 

In England we don't seem to realize the Irish 
question. We regard the Irish as a delightful and 
amusing people. Most of our serious experience has 
been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, 
who through years have assumed the delightful man- 
nerisms of the people with whom they have lived. We 
also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find 
him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and 
flattery please us, but we don't for a single instant 
take him seriously. The great mass of people here 
think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. 
An Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful oppor- 



184 OVER HERE 

tunities for expansion, and glorious opportunities to 
fight. He compares his present life with that of his 
former and the former looks black and horrible. An 
Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel 
the same way. The Irishman having been brought up 
on " Irish wrongs " blames the English for his past 
discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people 
speaking of Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way 
the Irish treatment differs from that meted out to the 
average Englishman they are unable to answer. The 
thing seems a little bit involved. 

During this time of war there have been, of 
course, large numbers of Englishmen over here on 
duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the whole, 
it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones 
arrives, having been badly wounded and is unfit for 
further service. The folk here at once give him a 
wonderful time. They listen to his words and enter- 
tain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him 
that his head becomes pardonably swelled. Repre- 
senting his government and the buyer of huge sup- 
plies he has interviews with great men, who treat him 
with vast respect. They ask him to spend week-ends 
at their houses. 

The great captain of industry has risen to his 
present position by one of two things — either by 
brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality, but mostly 
the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, 



A PREMATURE 185 

mark you, very humble. Temporary Lieutenant 
Smith likes the Americans. 

Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his 
companions. He is receiving, possibly, three hundred 
dollars a month, but he seldom has to entertain him- 
self. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that 
he himself ought really to be a millionaire. His ad- 
vice is often taken arid a certain contempt for the 
intelligence of his friends creeps into his mind. He 
thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay 
plans. He perhaps lets a few friends know that he 
wants a job after the war, though I have not heard of 
any one seeking a millionaire's daughter. 

Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to 
the front. American society tries him out, and, find- 
ing him wanting, to his astonishment drops him. In 
American society you must have something to recom- 
mend you. You must amuse and interest. The mere 
fact of your being a representative of Great Britain 
won't save you. You must also be a gentleman and 
behave accordingly. If you even think that the 
American people are rather inferior and a little awful 
you are done. I know several British people in 
America who are not known in polite society, and who 
seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness arid 
spend diverting hours discussing the " damn Yan- 
kees." That is, of course, the whole trouble. People 
never seem to realize that the tongue is not the 



186 OVER HERE 

only method of communication. Our feelings can be 
communicated without a word spoken. So some of us 
over here talk fairly and courteously to the Ameri- 
can people, while regarding them as something a little 
terrible and quite impossible socially. Our hosts real- 
ise this at once and like children they are fearfully 
sensitive. It either amuses them or makes them 
furious, generally the former. 

When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to 
learn the language of either country, we regard our- 
selves as peculiarly clever persons if we can manage 
to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and man- 
ners. We even return to England and affect them a 
little, in order that people may see that we are 
travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form of 
flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the 
Americans, or even affect their manners while here. 
To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed in other 
parts of America, it is de rigeur to say that you are 
pleased to meet a person when introduced. It is done 
by the best people. In England, a person who says he 
is pleased to meet you is suspected of having some 
ulterior motive. It is not done. 

I spent a happy day in Washington with some 
members of the Balfour mission and I noticed that 
one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said when in- 
troduced to American people : " I'm very pleased to 
meet you." He explained that it was the custom of 



A PREMATURE 187 

the country and had to be followed. It is not wonder- 
ful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with 
the folk here. 

Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. 
They seldom " crab " people. Of course, a conversa- 
tion is never so interesting as when someone's reputa- 
tion is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done 
here. If a party of British people with their wives 
(and emphasis is laid on the wives) get together there 
are sure to be some interesting happenings. Each 
wife will criticise the other wife and generally there 
will be a certain amount that is unpleasant. In Eng- 
land we understand this, and expect it. The picture 
of people of the same blood squabbling together in a 
foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to 
Americans. One English woman will criticise another 
English woman, and will do so to an American who 
promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very 
interesting tales. 

Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me 
many wonderful qualities amongst our cousins, arid I 
have realized a big thing. The American people must 
get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder 
if we shall bother to like them? 



XV 

"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME" 

I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and 
indeed with some of my friends oyer here when they 
pass rude remarks about the King of England. The 
people don't seem to understand why we keep a king 
and all that sort of thing. They all admit that the 
British Empire is a successful organization, but they 
cannot quite see that an empire must have an em- 
peror. When one thinks of India without its em- 
peror ! Still the point is that the majority of British 
citizens of every colour prefer to have a king and that 
is all there is about it. 

When the news of the Russian revolution broke 
upon the world, people of this country commenced to 
discuss the possibility of similar occurrences in other 
European countries. It was said by some that Ger- 
many and Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, 
and that even England would give up her childish, 
through ornamental practice of having kings in golden 
crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. 
In other words, the rest of the world, realizing the 
advantages of the United States form of government, 
would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less 
ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy 
188 



BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME 189 

to understand this. A monarchy seems totally 
opposed to common sense. 

It was very interesting to see the remarks in the 
newspapers of this country when his Majesty King 
George of England attended the service in St. Paul's, 
London, on America's Day. 

They were kindly, of course, as befits the American 
characteristic of kindliness. One paper likened the 
king to a national flag which England kept as an 
interesting antique. He was also described as an 
" Emblem of Unity," whatever that may mean. One 
leading New York paper, in saying that England was 
doing very well as she is in that she is keeping 
the flame of democracy burning, remarked that 
" George's " sole contribution to the war was the 
banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the 
writer of this article must be intimately acquainted 
with the king when he can call him by his Christian 
name. Always Americans seem to think that Great 
Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We 
of Great Britain know that she is a democracy and 
a great empire because of the monarchy. Some day 
America will realize more fully that the things of the 
spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then 
she will understand why we love our King; and do 
you know, we do love him quite a lot. 

I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why 
a monarchy is for us the most effective form of gov- 



190 OVER HERE 

eminent. A nation is, I suppose, a group of persons 
bound together for self-preservation. In order to 
make self-preservation effective it is essential that 
there should be unity and contentment. In England, 
where there is really a surplus population, this is diffi- 
cult. So a government will take into consideration 
all the needs of the people over whom it is placed. 
Nothing must be forgotten, or sooner or later there 
will be trouble. With us the task is a difficult one. 
With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Brit- 
ain succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that 
men will follow the dictates of their hearts rather 
than their minds. The world was astonished when at 
the hour of her need men of every color came from 
every corner of the earth to give if necessary their 
lives for the empire because they loved it so dearly. 
The things of the spirit are greater than the things 
of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of the 
spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will 
see the British Empire crumble and decay. The world 
would be poorer then. We Britons have irritating 
faults ; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness 
must be very irritating to American people. Still we 
try to be fair and just in our muddling way. God 
knows we have done some rather curious things at 
times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet 
the Boers to-day are loyal to the empire of which they 
are now an important part. We don't force this 
loyalty; it just grows. 



BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME 191 

So we British beg of the American people not to 
suggest taking our king from us. It is difficult to 
explain this patriotism which produces such results; 
but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is 
the boast, and the proud boast of many, that they 
have seen the king. Go to Australia, where the work- 
ing man rules the country, and hear the national an- 
them played, or watch the flag being saluted in the 
schools, and if you are courageous pass a rude 
remark about the king. Go to any part of the 
empire, and you will find something inexplicable, 
something unexplainable, which always points to 
Buckingham Palace and the little man there. Ameri- 
cans look upon this with good-natured condescension. 
I wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will 
find it there, too, where they ought to be more en- 
lightened since they live next to the greatest republic. 
Always is it the empire, and always is " God save 
the King " the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are 
a little bit mad, we British, but I daresay we will 
continue being mad, since madness binds together a 
mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort 
of way stand for fairness and decency. We all know 
how much of the child remains in us, even when we 
are old. We look back to the days when we believed 
in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories 
to our children we let our imagination have full play, 
and gnomes and fairies and even kings and princesses 
once more people our minds. 



192 OVER HERE 

Is there anything more obnoxious than a child 
who refuses to believe in fairies or who is not thrilled 
at Christmas time at the approaching visit of Santa 
Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that 
foundation to his mind that will make life bearable 
when responsibility brings its attendant troubles. 
Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like 
children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know 
what to do. The monarchy supplies a wonderful 
need to us. 

There is also a more practical reason for the 
retention of the monarchy. We hold that a consti- 
tutional monarch is necessary to a properly decentral- 
ized form of government. Party politics reign 
supreme in England. The government passes a bill 
amidst the howls of the opposition party and the 
opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King 
and he has the right to veto it. He knows, however, 
that he must rule in accordance with the wishes of his 
people, and so the bill receives the royal signature 
and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The 
press, wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less 
bitter and the opposition ceases to rage a little. Soon 
the law settles down into its right place. So the 
king's signature is effective in that it makes the 
issuing of a new law gentler and sweeter. 

Is it not true that a king of great personality can 
have tremendous power for good? Most people 
recognize now the power of our late King Edward, 



BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME 193 

some know the influence of our present monarch. All 
through this present war we feel that the king is 
sharing our troubles and suffering. You know we 
are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our 
insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems 
to have gone somehow. 

The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly adver- 
tise himself, but it is true that very little goes on 
without his knowing all about it. He has been work- 
ing hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and 
wounded, helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so 
fine in his encouragement of individuals. A few 
words from him to a keen officer helps that officer for 
the rest of his life. 

And so the king sweetens our national life. We 
love him ; of course we do, and we can't help it. Pos- 
sibly we are fools, but we glory in our foolishness. 

A young English officer received the D. S. O. and 
the Military Cross and finally died at Loos, getting 
the V. C. He, of course, went to the palace to receive 
both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father, 
an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the 
V. C. The king gave him the medal with a few con- 
ventional words, and then, while shaking hands, whis- 
pered to the old man to remain. The king, upon 
finishing the distribution of medals, took the father 
into an anteroom and then said very quietly : " I say, 

Mr. K , I am awfully sorry for you ! I've been 

interested in this boy of ours and remember him 
13 



194 OVER HERE 

well." Then the old man sat down and told the king 
all about his son, and went away comforted greatly 
and very proud of his son. 

This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of 
thing that supplies our need. 

You know we don't want a republic. Why should 
we have one ? We have a king. 

If American people want to understand us they 
must take this into account. When they talk in terms 
of good-natured deprecation of our king it hurts. 
I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men 
in this country and was surprised to hear him praising 
the monarchy merely from a business point of view, 
and he knew what he was talking about. He had 
wandered around London listening to the people talk 
and had studied the whole thing from the coldly com- 
mercial side. Perhaps I am talking from an idealistic 
point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of 
the world has been a practical one. It is, of course, 
quite possible that the world's civilization may col- 
lapse and fall to pieces for a season. Human passions 
are queer things ; the cruel spirit of the mob still 
exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things 
of the flesh have become greater than the things of 
the spirit. This war has made us suffer so much 
that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost be- 
numbed in Great Britain. I was in a large division 
that was reviewed by the king on Salisbury Plain 



BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME 195 

the day before embarkation, and as we marched past 
the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each 
one of us with that humble expression of a father 
looking upon his son, and through many weary 
months in France and Flanders that look was with 
us, and it helped and encouraged. Even my big 
charger seemed to know that the king was inspecting 
him, for he kept time to the march from " Scipio," 
and we gave the very best salute we could muster up. 
Possibly none of the men of that division are together 
to-day. 

The king saw more than one mighty throng of 
cheery men marching so gayly over the beautiful plain 
of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and beauti- 
ful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, 
going out to face the disciplined German army. He 
saw them spending fearful days and awful nights 
in the trenches, being fired at and having little am- 
munition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty 
lists coming out and realised the suffering that he 
would share with many a mother, father and sweet- 
heart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that 
day, and we were proud of him as our king. We 
couldn't possibly be proud of a president. We are 
fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among 
us are the working classes. We of England admire 
the United States form of government. At present it 
seems the right thing over here. It would never do 
for us. 



XVI 

A NAVAL VICTORY 

October, 1917. 

I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting 

up at the hotel at once called up M , who said 

that as she was a member of the Motor Messenger 
Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large 
meeting that Corps had decided to arrange for get- 
ting recruits for the Navy. She said that she had a 
box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her 
to occupy the said box. Nothing would give her 
greater pleasure, but as she had several girls with her, 
she suggested that I might feel awkward unless she 
got another man. Having assured her that, on the 
contrary, nothing woud give me greater pleasure, I 
was then asked to accompany her, so at eight o'clock, 
dressed in a strange imitation of a badly turned out 
British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and 
took me to the demonstration. 

The box was well exposed and there I sat with 
two ladies, disguised as officers, in the front seats, 
and two more behind. There were several hundred 
blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with in- 
struments, and the programme stated that the said 
blue jackets were the band of Sousa. 
196 



A NAVAL VICTORY 197 

Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the 
U. S. Navy the great conductor marched on to the 
stage, bowed to the audience a little, mounted a stand, 
gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. 
Of course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling 
by the dress of the performers. 

He played piece after piece and then a gentleman 
in evening dress walked on followed by a rather ner- 
vous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The 
gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Ad- 
miral, who must have felt rather terrible, but he 
stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into "God 
Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was 
obviously nervous ; however, his lack of power as an 
orator was very effective, and he spoke a little about 
destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, 
rather too quickly and without much feeling, " Rule 
Britannia." I felt militantly British and was very 
proud of the Admiral's entire lack of oratorical power. 

We had some more wonderful music from Sousa 
and after some flattering remarks from the gentle- 
man in evening dress, General W stepped for- 
ward and said a few well chosen words. They were 
very effective and to the point. He looked every inch 
a soldier, and was faultlessly turned out : we all liked 
him. After that we had some more music and then 
the gentleman in evening dress with more complimen- 
tary remarks ushered in a man dressed as a British 



198 OVER HERE 

officer in " slacks " which did not fit well. He was 
a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown 
curly hair, and an engaging smile showing a set of 
good teeth. The gentleman in evening dress com- 
menced, as we thought then, to torture him about his 
gallantry in action and all that sort of thing, and 
then the officer started. 

He said some big things. He remarked that he 
had heard it said in America that the British were 
using Colonial troops to shield their own men. Inci- 
dentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, 
as though the speaker could not believe it but wanted 
to be reassured. I have always laughed at this state- 
ment and remarked that to use one man to shield ten 
or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the 
" powers that be " in England. To deny it on my 
part, as a British officer, seemed too ridiculous ; be- 
sides, the whole thing is so obviously German 
propaganda. 

However, I was interested to hear how this Aus- 
tralian chap would deal with the thing, so I listened 
carefully. He went on to explain what he had heard 
and then said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Aus- 
tralian officer, I want to tell you that it is a Damned 
Lie." He brought the thing out with much feeling. 
He then endeavoured to explain the Gallipoli cam- 
paign and denied its being a failure. 

A little blood commenced to flow about the stage 



A NAVAL VICTORY 199 

at this time and he was getting worked up. I have 
heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps he was 
getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, 
and I know that quite a number of young ladies felt 
cold shivers down their spinal columns. 

He said in stirring phrases that Australia and 
the Australians were not in any way annoyed with 
the home government about the Gallipoli business. 
They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was 
thrilled by his loyalty to the homeland. He then con- 
vinced us all of the wonderful discipline prevailing 
in the Australian army. I am sure that he helped 
us. The American people liked to hear about Aus- 
tralia, and were glad to hear that we British were 
not poltroons. The few of us there felt proud to 
have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we 
were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. 
He certainly dismissed from the minds of those pres- 
ent any idea of a breaking up of the British Empire. 

So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three- 
quarters of an hour he waxed very eloquent and, 
throwing out his arms, he commenced using just a 
little too often the words " Men and Women of 
America," smiling sadly the while and getting a 
little like a parson. 

He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and 
abusive way which I have only heard once before, 
when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney paper gave 



200 OVER HERE 

a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said 
editor being rather a noted character, the mayor had 
refused to occupy the chair, and he was abused im- 
personally, but viciously and cleverly. In like man- 
ner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called " pes- 
tiferous insects " a rather unpleasant sounding term 
and hardly descriptive. I wish that he hadn't used 
that phrase. Still he was effective and I am certain 
did a great deal of good. 

I have one complaint to make, however. This 
Australian seemed to express a terrific hate for the 
Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He men- 
tioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until 
their eyes were eaten out and all that sort of thing. 
He grew furious with the Boche, and carried the 
audience with him. He spoke of women getting 
" desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could 
be heard throughout the hall and I awoke to the 
strange fact that a British officer was sowing in 
America a feeling of savage hatred towards the 
Germans and succeeding. One thought of Punch's 
picture depicting a German family enjoying their 
morning hate. Perhaps you will say " And why not, 
the blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the coun- 
try a little and was quite right, but the thing inter- 
ested me and I wondered. 

Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because 
she is a hater? Isn't it true that Germany has been 



A NAVAL VICTORY 201 

guilty of such filthiness that she is slowly but surely 
cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have 
always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy 
may be like? Isn't it true that Uncle Sam came into 
this war really because of the sinking of the Lusitania 
and the fact that the Germans were such blighters 
in Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be 
successful, you must be cool and calm and steady? 
Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who loses his 
temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you 
think the Germans are getting licked badly because 
of their futile and mad hatred ? 

I know you can't stop the men from seeing red 
in an attack. It helps them a little and makes them 
better fighters, but it is really a form of Dutch cour- 
age. I want to see America going into this war as 
the champion of manliness, decency, purity, goodness, 
— all that sort of thing. She is bound to hate a little. 
She'll catch that disease quick enough from the Boche, 
but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is 
beaten, licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of 
the war may be. 

As you know, I spent the best part of a year in 
France and Belgium, and I can honestly say that dur- 
ing that time I never saw hate displayed, except 
towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our 
" strafed " cycles. I have heard of Tommies get- 
ting furious and the officers who have told me have 



202 OVER HERE 

spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't 
seem, to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom 
in a billet next to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins 
used to take his refreshment, and I have heard some 
wonderful stories, a little lurid ; but quite often I have 
heard Fritz admired. 

I remember one day during the battle of Loos 
chatting to the Major, while awaiting orders to fire, 
and regretting that our men should get atrocious, 
as I had heard they were. The Major, an old cam- 
paigner, out with the original expeditionary force, 
smiled a little, but merely observed that it was very 
natural. 

Past our battery position there was passing a 
few prisoners and a procession of wounded — but 
mostly " blighties " ; and I saw one sergeant with a 
German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a " prop " for 
lurid stories on leave, so went over to him. He had 
four bloody grooves down his face, and he told me that 
he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice 
chap, and he described the combat, in which he had 
evidently been getting the worst of it, for the four 
grooves were nail marks from the German. For- 
tunately he got his bayonet. " And you killed him," 
I broke in. " Oh no, sir," he replied; " I just gave 
him a dig and the Red Cross people have got him now. 
There he is, sir, I think," — as a German prisoner, 
lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. 
I returned without the helmet and told the story to 



A NAVAL VICTORY 203 

the major, and he said, " Oh no; I shouldn't believe 
all you hear about Tommy Atkins." 

Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious 
with the Boche. One can hardly blame them. I am 
willing to believe that sometimes when the Germans 
have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has 
been taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant 
that the chaps I knew and loved in France could 
behave in any way but as decent, hard fighting, hard 
swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe 
either, and no one I knew in France during my year 
there believed, that the Boche were always dirty in 
their tricks, though I will admit that they show up 
badly as sportsmen. 

Frankly, I want to see this country putting every 
ounce of power into the combat. I want them to 
realize fully that Germany requires a lot of beating. 
I want them to know that a victorious Germany would 
be a menace to the liberty of the world, and all the 
other things that the newspapers say. 

But I dislike intensely this savage hate propa- 
ganda that is being affected here. It is stupid, 
useless and dangerous. Didn't some philosopher say 
that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach 
him how to hate. The Germans deserve it ; of course 
they do, but we must be stronger than they. Also, 
you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so you 
have got to try to make them decent, by some means 
or other. A famous member of my clan, David 



204 OVER HERE 

Livingstone, went about amongst the most savage 
tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was 
just because of the love that emanated from him. 
I fear it will be difficult to like the Germans very much 
after all they have done, but we Britons must not 
let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have 
learnt from the Germans how to hate in their own 
commonplace savage way. Of course it is not true. 
We have a sense of humour and the Americans 
have a wonderful sense of fun, and these two things 
cannot walk together with that stupid, vulgar thing 
called hate. 

The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. 
There was an infantry officer there, and I felt that 
for a gunner to talk of the discomforts of war in 
the presence of an infantry officer would be a little 
humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so 
I tried to give them some, though, as you know, war- 
fare is a commonplace amusement mostly, and if one 
is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience. 

The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was 
very thrilling. He told me seriously later on in my 
rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill, that 
he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had 
walked along the top of the parapet for half a mile 
with a machine-gun playing on him in the moonlight, 
that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans 
in the back in their listening posts, that he had dis- 
covered a German disguised as a gunner officer behind 



A NAVAL VICTORY 205 

the lines, that he had remained with six wounds in 
his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he 
had been wounded six times, that he had often been 
right behind the German lines at night, that he had 
overheard an interesting conversation between two 
German staff officers in a German dugout, that he 
was in the second battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle 
and Loos, that he had been a private in the Gunners 
years ago, and many other adventures ! 

And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelli- 
gent Americans, big men, listen and believe these 
things. Later, when their own boys return they will 
know that the chap who has been through it will tell 
them — nothing. It is fine for us British here these 
days. We are heroes, wonderful heroes. But 
strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder 
if they are all taking the right line. I realise at once 
that it is very easy for me to talk like this. A gun- 
ner subaltern, with his comfortable billet to return 
to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom 
comes face to face with the Boche. Still I can only 
repeat that during my service I saw nothing of com- 
mon, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry officers 
I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great 
for that. 

Of course I may have missed it. But there was 
Taylor, for example, a horse gunner I believe, who 
was attached to the trench " Mortuaries." He was 
at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into 



206 OVER HERE 

the mess at times. Once during the battle of Loos 
while we were attacking he took several of his cannon 
over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded 
in capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong 
on our flank and Taylor with the wonderful Second 
Rifle Brigade was left in this trench surrounded by 
Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were 
jammed tight in the narrow, well-formed German 
trench and only a bomber at each end could fight. 
We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans 
had little fancy for jumping over the barricade they 
had made in their own trench. Their officers 
attempted to lead their men and one by one were 
bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their 
helmets. There was a delay and then a German 
private with a cheery " Hoch ! " jumped up on to the 
barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They 
did not, but the private received a bullet and lay 
there rather badly wounded. He gave a slight move- 
ment, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his 
gun, so the bomber let him have one and ended all 
movement. 

These men of ours were in a very awkward posi- 
tion, almost hopeless, and no chances could be taken, 
but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for killing 
him, although there was nothing else to be done. He 
seemed too brave to die. Taylor also told me, when 
he was in our dugout at the battery position dead 
beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being 



A NAVAL VICTORY 207 

attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German 
was begging the Red Cross chap to let him die for 
his country. 

I am merely telling you these things in order to 
let you see what impressions I got. I hope that you 
will not think that I am becoming a pacifist. But 
even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I 
hope that we will not be responsible for teaching the 
fellows over here that sort of thing. Many of them 
will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not sure that it 
is advisable for us to do it. 

The next day I met the Admiral and took him 

out to my friends at Chestnut Hill. M 's mother, 

a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at once. He 
amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go 
with us to the hotel to dance. He came and stayed 

with us until midnight. A liked him very much 

and spent the whole evening, or what was left of 
Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonder- 
ful music that was enticing us all to dance. On 
Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took him 
home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was 
very thrilled, and was perfectly overcome when he 
bowed to her, and shook her warmly by the hand. She 
brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they 
commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place 
that they both knew. 

I discussed the " hate " business with the Admiral, 
but he seemed to think that it could not be helped and 



208 OVER HERE 

that perhaps the men made better fighters if they felt 
furious. So perhaps after another dose of France 
and " Flounders " I may feel the same. 

At the moment in Bethlehem the people are pre- 
paring for a trying time. They are convinced that 
something is going on in France about which they 
know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. 
They are appreciating to the full the wonderful work 
being done at Ypres by our men. Having been 
ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the num- 
ber of people who greet me. As I walk along I am 
constantly greeted with " Good evening, Captain." 
What charming manners the American working man 
has when you are not employing him ! 

Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform 
when two small boys stopped making mud pies and, 
after looking at me with great pleasure, one said 
" Hello, Horn Blow Man ! " 

I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate 
business, but I always feel that in the same way that 
you hide love from the rest of the world because you 
are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are 
ashamed of it. 

If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in 
propaganda he'd get away with it. But American 
people know that we are merely like themselves, too 
lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient 
form of hatred. 



XVII 

POISONOUS GAS 

November, 1917 

I am developing into a regular stump orator 
these days. Of course it is not at all difficult. One 
has plenty of information about the war, and the 
more simply this is given the better it seems to me. 
However, it is all very interesting and I am supplied 
with the opportunity of meeting hundreds of Ameri- 
can men. They are all awfully kind to me. I gener- 
ally speak at club luncheons and dinners. 

One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner 
given by the neighbourhood club of Bala-Cynwyd, a 
suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful evenings 
spent in America I think this night was the most 
enjoyable. My turn came towards the end of the 
programme. There had been many fine talks by 
famous Philadelphians as well as by other British 
officers, and I felt very diffident about saying any 
thing at all. However, I stood up and saw several 
hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kind- 
ness and encouragement shining from their faces. I 
told them a few funny stories and said that I liked 
them an awful lot; that I liked them so much that 
14 209 



210 OVER HERE 

I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget 
exactly what I did say. 

A few days afterwards I received a letter from 
the secretary of the club, which I shall always keep, 
for it assures me of their friendship and affection. 

I do not think that the American people have 
done their duty by us. When the early Christians 
were given a big thing they started missions which 
had for their object the conversion of the heathen. 
Why has not America realised her responsibility to 
us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to England, with 
the object of converting middle-aged and elderly 
Britons to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, 
which makes every American man over thirty de- 
sire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? 
At the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm 
and British conservatism always suggests to my mind 
the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the Arctic cur- 
rent. There is an awful lot of fog when these two 
meet and some shipwrecks. 

Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city 
or town has a Rotary Club over here. The members 
consist of one man from each of the leading business 
houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch 
once a week and endeavour to learn things from one 
another. One member generally talks for twenty 
minutes about his particular business, then an alarm 
clock goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an 



POISONOUS GAS 211 

address. I rather love the Rotarians. The milk of 
human kindness flows very freely, and the members 
behave to one another like nice people in decent 
books. At any rate many cordial remarks are made, 
and it always seems to me that the thought, even 
if it is an affected one, which produces a decent re- 
mark helps to swell the amount of brotherly love in 
the world. The Rotarians are keen business men and 
are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the busi- 
ness world. 

Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at 
large public meetings. I even addressed a society 
affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia lady. 
This was very interesting. There were about one 
hundred people present and my host, an adopted 
uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a graceful 
manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot 
his lines. At this function one felt one's self to be 
present at a social gathering described by Thackeray. 
There were many men and women present with the 
sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. 
They were all descendants of the people who lived 
in Philadelphia before the Revolution, and something 
of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in a fash- 
ionable drawing-room or " Assembly " during those 
romantic days seemed to be in the air. 

Of course my first experience of public speaking 
was in Bethlehem. It happened at the Eagle Hotel. 



212 OVER HERE 

One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel Company 
called me up and said. " Mac, will you give us a 
short talk at the Red Cross luncheon to-day? " " But 

yes, Mr. B , I'll be delighted, though I am no 

orator." 

So I found myself decked out in uniform on my 

way to the Eagle in Mr. B 's car. With tact he 

urged me to be careful. " Y'know, Mac, the people 
in this burgh have not quite realised the situation. 
Many are of German origin and there are some Irish, 
and one or two are not fond of England. They are 
a fine crowd of mien and are working like Trojans 
to get money for the Red Cross." 

",'May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B ? " I meekly 

asked. " Sure ! Sure ! Mac ; give him hell. Every 
mother's son will be with you in that." 

After lunch, Mr. B , as General of the Army 

of Collection, stood up. (He is a ripping chap, a 
little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age. He is 
about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, 
cheery face, hasn't lost a hair from his head, and 
when he talks, suggests a small boy of twelve suc- 
cessfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the 
circus.) 

He said : " We have had with us in Bethlehem men 
of the Entente Allies, men who have heard the 

whi stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen the 

burs ting of the high explosives, and to-day one 

of these heroes will address you." 



POISONOUS GAS 213 

The " whistling of the shrapnel " thrilled me. It 
brought back to my mind a night in an Infantry 
dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the 
Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs 
with a story of one of his stunts in " No Man's 
Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound and 
then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed 
a sigh of relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing 
his gun muttered, " Whizz bang," and disappeared 
up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on 
to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the 
Boche frightful. 

Then the " bursting of the high explosives." I 
hate high explosives. They are so definite, and ex- 
tremely destructive ; and so awkward when you're up 
a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and 
you slide down the rope and burn your poor hands. 

I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced 
to tell my audience about the Red Cross a la guerre. 
Whenever I tried to thrill them they all laughed, and 
then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all 
the trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I 
thought, with some success. I called the Kaiser a 
" poor fish," but when I discussed America and the 
war and said " By Jove, we need you awful badly over 
there," they all collapsed and I sat down. 

Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they 
are, and all shook hands. 



214 OVER HERE 

It seems to be an art developed by certain persons 
to be able to introduce speakers. If you are the 
fellow who has got to talk, the chairman gets up and 
commences to praise you for all he is worth. A fel- 
low told me at a dinner the other night that while 
visiting his home town he had been compelled to ad- 
dress the townsmen. The deacon mounted a small 
platform and commenced to eulogise. He had only 
got the first versicle of the " Te Deum " off his chest, 
when his set of teeth fell out and landed on the bald 
head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This 
was a great help. 

About this eulogising — my Highland blood helps 
me to understand; my English education tells me 
that it is — well, displaying all your goods in the 
front window, and I'm not sure that it " is done." 
Eddy Grey says " Hector, it is just * slinging the 
bull.' " It is. Some of these eulogising gentlemen 
talk for ten minutes each time, but they are generally 
good looking people turned out in quite nice evening 
things. 

I went to a " coming-out party " yesterday and 
ate some interesting food, chatted with some amusing 
girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's to 
help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of 
a bronze eagle and harangued a large audience, but 
not a soul bought a bond. However, a lady whose 
father was English was partially overcome and fell 



POISONOUS GAS 215 

on my chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should 
liked to have hugged her, but I did not know her 
very well, although the introduction was vivid. 

I manage generally to hold the interest of my 
audience, but I wish I were Irish. I always love to 
talk to American men. They make a fine audience. 
Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my 
growth towards a reverend and sober mien has been 
definitely stunted during my year in America. Amer- 
icans don't " grow up." An American possesses the 
mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a 
child, so if you've got to speak, it is quite easy to 
appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee heart. Of 
course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth 
of July, 1917. I realise more and more every day 
what a tremendous honour was paid to me by my 
friends of Bethlehem. 

Towards the middle of June, the town council of 
Bethlehem met to discuss the annual municipal cele- 
bration of America's Independence. They discussed 
the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that 
it would be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British 
officer to do the job. The lot evidently fell upon me, 
and the local Episcopal parson waited upon me, and 
put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-gov- 
ernors, colonels, and big people like that had been 
asked in previous years. I said " Right, O ! " Arid 
then began to reflect upon the great honour shown to 



216 OVER HERE 

my country and me. As I have told you before, the 
population of Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic de- 
scent and there are quite a large number of Irishmen 
here. Never in the history of the United States had 
an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Indepen- 
dence Day oration. I was a little frightened. You 
see the folk thought it would be a nice thing to do; 
a sort of burying the hatchet. 

Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, 
and wondered if I should get stage fright. I felt 
that the job might prove too difficult for me. 

The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the 
banging of many fireworks, making it difficult, and 
a little dangerous for law abiding and humble citi- 
zens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a 
gas mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited 
the automobile that should take me to the campus. 
It came at last, and I found myself standing sur- 
rounded by two bands and about three thousand 
people. 

The children were firing all kinds of infernal pis- 
tols and crackers, and I wondered how I should be able 
to make myself heard by the large throng of people. 
The National Guard lined up, and the band com- 
menced to play various tunes. After a time silence 
was called, and the band broke into " The Star 
Spangled Banner " while the National Guard and 
I saluted. The people then solemnly repeated the 



POISONOUS GAS 217 

oath of allegiance to the Republic, while the flag was 
solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all 
very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when 
a clergyman read a Psalm. Then the bands played 
" America " which seems to have the same time as 
" God Save the King " while we endeavoured to sing 
the words. The Chief Burgess then addressed the 
throng, but being an elderly man, his inspiring 
address was heard by only a very few. 

Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and 
trembling I mounted a little stand improvised for 
the occasion. I looked at the old building beside 
me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been 
cared for by the gentle Moravians. I looked at the 
people around me, thousands of happy faces all look- 
ing with kindliness and friendship towards me. I 
don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the 
spirits of the poor British Tommies who had died 
fighting for their king in the old building behind 
helped a little, for I know that during the half hour 
I spoke every face was fixed intently upon me, and 
when I finally got down, there was a mighty cheer that 
went straight to my heart. At any rate I had that 
thing which is greater than the speech of men and 
of angels, and without which the greatest orator's 
speech is like sounding brass and tinkling cymbals — 
Love. I had a very great love for my friends of 
Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate be- 



218 OVER HERE 

tween Anglo-Saxons and Teutons, and they knew it, 
consequently they listened with a great patience. 

After the band had once more played, and a 
clergyman had said a prayer, hundreds and hundreds 
came forward and shook hands. There were veterans 
of the Civil War who threw their chests out and 
offered to go back to France and fight with me. One 
old gentleman with snowy hair said " Lad, it was an 
inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from Eng- 
land, Ireland, and Scotland, came up, some weeping 
a little, and said " God Bless you." One darling old 
Irish lady said " Sure Oirland would get Home Rule 
if you had any power in England." 

Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too 
fond of talking. Perhaps it might be a good idea to 
remember at this time the words of the great chan- 
cellor : " Great questions are not to be solved by 
speeches and the resolutions of majorities but by 
blood and iron." I suppose for the Allies it gets down 
to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of talking. 



XVIII 

THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 

December, 1917. 

I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania 
with a senator, and have come back to Philadelphia 
possessing much experience, and a profound love for 
my senator as well. We traversed several hundred 
miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in 
some cases out-of-the-way, towns in the great com- 
monwealth. Our object was to help the people to rea- 
lise the present situation. At times it was hard going, 
at times our experience was altogether delightful. 
We visited Allentown, Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, 
Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown, Hunt- 
ingdon, and Harrisburg. 

At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm- 
hearted Committee of Public Safety, and spoke to a 
tired out audience of Pennsylvania Dutchmen and 
many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from 
the Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking 
difficult and I fear my audience was bored. My 
senator did his best, but the Allentown people have 
many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise 
the situation. They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, 
and that stands for fervent Americanism which is 

219 



220 OVER HERE 

more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they 
display. 

At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. 
Sunbury is a charming place with a beautiful large 
park in the centre of the town, disturbed a little by the 
locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets, 
heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunbury- 
ites on their journey. We spoke to a large and de- 
lightful audience of kindly people, who saw all my 
poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my 
country in its struggles. I left them all warm friends 
of the British Empire, I hope. The whole town is 
sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who 
discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the 
quiet restful feeling in the air. The people of Sun- 
bury are with us in the job of finishing the Boche 
even unto the last man. 

At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past 
as a lumbering centre, and with also a fine old inn, 
we met some nice folk, but things had gone wrong 
somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It 
was difficult to gather the attitude of the people. 

We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, 
and commenced a long journey to Erie on a local 
train, which behaved like a trolley car, for it seemed 
to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted 
eight hours I enjoyed the journey very much, but a 
journey on an American train, especially in Pennsyl- 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 221 

vania, presents no horrors for me, since I always 
find several old friends, and make a few new ones on 
the way. 

I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling 
men one Saturday afternoon in Philadelphia. They 
were a fine audience, in spite of the fact that they 
were all in a state of " afterdinnemess," and the room 
was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn- 
out throat. 

A " travelling man " is a commercial traveller, 
called by the vulgar, a " drummer " — a little un- 
kindly I think. Until this meeting, and its conse- 
quences, I had never understood American travel- 
ling men. Now I do. I believe that these men form 
a kind of incubator for some of the keenness and 
determined-doggedness that is so marked in the Amer- 
ican character. 

And so upon the long journey I met several 
friends. One was travelling for corsets, I believe. 
The corsets did not interest me, — I'm not sure that 
they interested my friend very much, but they gave 
him scope for his profession, as well as an opportunity 
to bring up a family. I learnt a great deal from 
these two men, and the many conversations that had 
bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my 
mind. 

These fellows have to apply every device, every 
trick, to carry off their job. Their numbers are 



222 OVER HERE 

great and their customers are always on the defensive, 
so they've got to know more about human nature than 
about their wares. They have to overcome the de- 
fenses of the men they deal with. Their preliminary 
bombardment has to be intense. They've got to make 
an impression ; either a very good one or an evil one, 
— both are effective, for an impression of their exist- 
ence and what they stand for must be left upon the 
minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing 
their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap 
spoke of a merchant whose reputation as a notorious 
bully was well known to travelling men. He was a 
nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the fol- 
lowing way. 

The drummer approached the desk and delivered 
his card. The merchant looked at it and said " What 
the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I don't 
want yer goods, what have yer come for? " 

The drummer merely said, " I haven't come to sell 
you anything." 

"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the 
merchant. 

" I've merely come to have a good look at as 
mean a looking red-headed son-of-a-gun as exists on 
the face of this earth. I collect photographs of 
atrocities." 

The merchant looked furious and then angrily 
said, " Come in! " So the drummer entered with cer- 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 223 

tain fears. The red-head seated himself at his 
desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer 
standing. The drummer, fearing defeat and ignor- 
ing the notice " No Smoking," lit a foul cigar, walked 
over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of 
smoke all over the merchant. The " red-headed son- 
of-a-gun " looked up and grinned. It was not diffi- 
cult after that. 

Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. 
We addressed a rather small audience in the court 
house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour in a 
local club. 

At three-thirty a.m. we left for Pittsburgh and 
spent the rest of the early morning in a Pullman 
sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At Pittsburgh 
we addressed a large crowd of business men called 
" The Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They 
formed a delightful audience and listened with ap- 
parent interest to our story. The trouble is, that 
men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They 
like one to tell them about Belgium women getting cut 
up into impossible pieces and all that sort of thing. 
I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is 
not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's 
character which appreciates newspaper stories of tra- 
gedies, but rather to place before him actual condi- 
tions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the 
greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of 



224 OVER HERE 

poisonous gas by the Germans, and the tragedy lay in 
the fact that human nature became so unsporting as 
to resort to such methods. 

Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings 
these days, definitely take up a line of speech which 
chiefly concerns itself in detailing German atrocities. 
They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round 
of applause by saying something like the following: 
" That fiend of hell, the Kaiser, spent years and years 
plotting against the peace of the world. He mas- 
sacred little Belgian children, and raped systemati- 
cally Belgian women. ' One week to Paris, one month 
to London and three months to New York,' he 
shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, 
the British lion roared, and France, fair France, 
clasped her children to her breast and called for aid 
across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam to whom 
she had given succor in the dark days of '76. " 

Now I will admit that talk like that is quite 
effective and stirs a fellow up quite a lot, but I 
rather think that ten years hence it will be described 
as " bull." What American men and American women 
want is cold facts that can be backed up with proof, 
convincing proof. Of course there is not a shadow 
of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the 
rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks — 
to endeavor to foster a firm and cordial understand- 
ing between my country and America. My objects 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 225 

cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow 
the newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to 
tell them things as I myself saw them. Strangely 
enough I find cold facts " get across " much better 
than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle 
barking in the world, which reminds me of the man 
who said that he only knew two tunes and that he 
got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes 
were he replied, " God save the weasel " and " Pop 
goes the Queen." 

And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Wash- 
ington, Pa., will never be forgotten by this British 
soldier. We found ourselves on a platform looking 
at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I 
ever hope to talk to. They were all smiling and 
gave us a wonderful welcome. I told the children 
present, that the boys and girls in my country were 
all taught about George Washington in their schools 
and sometimes even in the Sunday-schools. I told 
them that sometimes they mixed him up a little with 
Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not 
until they became highly educated that they realized 
that he was an American. They were a delightful 
audience, and after I had spoken for 'about an hour 
they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic 
song. I hated leaving Washington. 

Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about 
the flood, and the story of the man who was drowned 
15 



226 OVER HERE 

there and who bored all the saints in Paradise with a 
reiteration of his experiences in that memorable 
tragedy, although he was interrupted frequently by a 
very old man sitting in a corner. The Johnstown 
saint was annoyed until it was explained to him that 
the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, 
had some flood of his own. 

It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and 
consequently the audience in the " movie " theatre 
was small. 

We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The 
people were very enthusiastic and I met some fine 
warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a 
chap would say, " I've got a Dutch name, Lieuten- 
ant, but I'm an American and I'm with you." 

Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting 
at Harrisburg, so we returned to Philadelphia. I 
hated parting with my senator. The thing I loved 
best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed 
towards me by the hundreds of men I met after the 
close of the meetings. 

I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry 
when our journey ended. 

I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I 
hope that this will be the last. Still I wonder. What 
a futile occupation war is when one comes to think of 
it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give 
a solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote. 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 227 

Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday after- 
noon in New Zealand, a number of men from a 
small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous 
looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel 
that morning, not only because chapel was com- 
pulsory, but because the service was usually cheery 
and attractive and some of them were theological 
students. Unfortunately one man, little more than 
a boy, was drowned. The circumstances were dis- 
tressing because he had just got his degree and was 
showing promise of a useful life. 

I can see it all now; his great friend — for men 
become great friends in a college — working his arms 
endeavouring to bring back life long after he was 
dead ; the solemn prayer of the master ; the tolling of 
the chapel bell as the sad procession moved up to the 
college; and then the friend solemnly deciding to 
devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all 
very sad, but something had been introduced to the 
whole thing which made the more frivolous amongst 
us think. We felt different men that night, when 
one of our number lay dead in the college building. 
Some of us who knew, felt a great comfort when 
we saw the friend decide to take up the dead boy's 
work. We felt that friendship had won a great 
fight: 

The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a 
tragedy followed. All of us who had been swimming 



228 OVER HERE 

received anonymous P. C's. from religious persons. 
Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: 
"UNLESS YE REPENT YE SHALL LIKE- 
WISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath 
breakers upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. 
It depressed us slightly, but we recovered. The 
friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we 
have since learned that his death has proved more 
glorious than his life could have been. 

When the war broke out in Europe, there were 
not wanting in England persons who sought to find 
a cause for the expression of God's wrath as they 
deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God 
was about to punish her. God was angry and the 
beautiful youth of England had to be sacrificed to 
His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God 
would kill them, until we should repent, and then all 
would be well, until we should once more be steeped in 
worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the yearning of 
the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now 
as children when they played around her and con- 
fided their every trouble, the loneliness of the friend 
who has lost a wonderful thing, friendship — all part 
of God's punishment! And the people who go to 
church place above the chimney piece in the servant's 
hall, " God is Love " — and sometimes even in the day 
nursery. 

I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 229 

from a whizz-bang. The place was unhealthy, so I 
did not wait long, but I had just time to think of the 
feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official 
notification should arrive. They lay there as though 
sleeping, for men newly killed don't always look ter- 
rible. I can't blame God for it. You can't. 

Now that we know what war is we are all seeking 
for an antidote — trying to find something that will 
prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found it yet. 
Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an 
old idea and one practised by the Highland clans. 
General disarmament comes to the fore again. Who 
is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one 
another? Of course they can't. Peace of long dura- 
tion will, of course, follow this war. The disease will 
have run its course and the patient exhausted will 
have a long convalescence and then — God! what will 
the next war be like? 

History seems to teach us that war is a kind of 
disease that breaks out at regular intervals and 
spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find some 
serum that will inoculate us against it. 

Like all obvious things the antidote is around 
us, staring us in the face. We feel it when we look 
upon the mountains clothed in green with their black 
rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see 
it in the pansy turning its wee face up to the sun 
until its stalk nearly breaks, so great is its devotion. 



230 OVER HERE 

We can see it when by accident we tread upon the 
foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail wag- 
gings, in spite of groans difficult to hold back, he ap- 
proaches with beseeching eyes, begging that the cause 
of all the trouble will not take it too hardly. We 
see it on the face of a mother ; it is the thing longed 
for on the face of a friend; it was on the face of 
Jesus when he said to the prostitute, " Neither do I 
condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the world, 
for it is love. 

The very remark " God is Love " at once sug- 
gests church. We see at once the elderly father, all 
his wild oats sown, walking home from church with 
stately tread, followed by the wife who is not de- 
ceived if she stops to think. The old tiresome 
remark, " He goes to church on Sunday, but during 
the week — Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. 
Why is it that quite a number of healthy young men 
dislike church so much? Watch these same young 
men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog. 
See the cow-boy, not on the movie screen where a 
poor old bony hack gets his mouth pulled to bits 
by certain screen favourites, but the real thing. 
See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially 
if he is a wheel driver, sitting back when no one is 
looking and preventing his gees from doing too much 
work, or the centre driver giving the lead driver hell 
when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 231 

at once showing that the leaders are not doing their 
work. It is all love. But in its home, the church, 
of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not taught by 
a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet 
if we are to prevent war from recurring we have 
got to introduce love into the world. It is truly 
our only chance. 

Do you see, this world is the product of love. 
There seem to have been applied but few rules and 
regulations. The mountains are not squares, the hills 
are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They 
are all irregular and they are all lovely. So man, 
the product of love, is hopelessly irregular at times. 
He just cannot live according to rules or regulations, 
but he can love if he is allowed to. 

Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a 
wallow in sentiment I suppose, but I learnt about it 
on the battlefields, of France and Flanders — a stronge 
place to learn a strange lesson. 

Some dear old lady will say, " How beautiful " ; 
and some old fellow with many a cheery party to his 
credit, not always nice, will say as he sits back, 
" Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable." 

And so this thing that I am daring to talk about 
is the life-buoy thrown out to us, and it seems so 
ridiculous, even to write about it. Just imagine a 
statesman searching for an antidote for war and 
after careful consideration deciding to apply the 



232 OVER HERE 

antidote I have suggested. In three days he would 
be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be 
done. Perhaps it could be applied in America. 

" There are many things in the commonwealth of 
Nowhere which I rather wish, then hope, to see 
adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after fin- 
ishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very 
close to Utopia, according to reports. America will 
learn a great lesson from our struggles and suffering. 
War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just imagine 
all the men who have been killed in this war marching 
down Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close for- 
mation it would take an awfully long time. Yet the 
whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course we are 
not going to change, but rather we will continue to 
build huge battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, 
live unnaturally and take our just deserts, and we will 
get them. 

Philadelphia, January, 1918. 

I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go 
about the country giving talks about the war. He 
must have been pleased with the result of our first 
effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become 
my job to go from county capital to county capital, 
in every state, giving addresses in the Court Houses. 

We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 
a.m. in the Lehigh Valley Railroad's charming train 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 233 

called the " Black Diamond." Our party consisted 
of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, 
a British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and 
myself. The British Tommy's job was to bag any 
Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough 
everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told not 
to do any talking. I should have had no objection 
to his obliging our American friends if he had had 
anything to say, but he had never been to the front, 
much to his own disappointment, and I disliked the 
responsibility. 

We arrived at a little city called Towanda some- 
time after lunch and dined in state with the members 
of the local committee. They all seemed to be judges, 
so far as I can remember. This may have been owing 
to the beauty of architecture displayed in the local 
Court House. We spoke to a fairly large audience. 
The proceedings were opened by a young lady who 
advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of 
determination, to a large black and handsomely deco- 
rated piano. She struck a chord or two and then 
a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, com- 
menced to sing some patriotic airs. They sang very 
well and then my senator, having been fittingly 
introduced by one of the leading citizens, addressed 
the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thor- 
oughly, for none of my jokes missed fire. Then the 
congressman spoke and none of his jokes missed fire. 



234 OVER HERE 

At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced 
to possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it 
were not true that the folks living in the country 
towns were more awake to the situation than their 
brethren in the cities. 

I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part 
about his remarks lay in the fact that all the time 
he felt that he ought to be careful not to introduce 
too much about Ireland's wrongs. 

After the meeting we retired to the hotel and 
in the night a party of young people returned from 
a sleighing expedition and commenced to whisper 
in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. 
They succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whis- 
pering, refused to satisfy any curiosity that we pos- 
sessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred curiosity 
seems the predominant quality in a man when he is 
awakened at night and cannot go to sleep. 

The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a 
charming little town, and we addressed a meeting in 
the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground 
was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the 
place of meeting from being crammed with eager, 
earnest people. I suggested to the congressman 
that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one 
more control over the people who were crowded close 
up to where we were sitting. He looked at me with 
a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said, " Yes, quite 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 235 

so — the old British spirit coming out again. If you 
get up there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have 
me in the dock." Of course, amidst laughter, he 
confided the whole thing to the audience. The people 
were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all pos- 
sessed with a firm desire to get along with the job. 

That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre 
and addressed a fairly large meeting in the 
Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that 
I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda 
and Tunkhannock. This may be owing to the fact 
that the city is a large one, and visited a good deal 
by war lecturers. However, the men we met im- 
pressed us greatly, as we all chatted after the meet- 
ing in the local club. 

The next morning we took a trolley car for Scran- 
ton. Scranton! If every town in France, England, 
Italy, and the United States possessed the spirit dis- 
played by the citizens of Scranton, the war would 
go with a rush. I had friends in Scranton, — a boy 
and a girl married to one another, and now possessing 
a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon my stay- 
ing with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the 
Town Hall, towards which a great stream of people 
was advancing. 

I mounted the platform and found my senator and 
the congressman safely seated amidst a number of 
officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some members 



236 OVER HERE 

of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats 
well up to the front, amidst cheers. They were fine 
looking men, hale and hearty. I wish public speakers 
would not address these soldiers by telling them that 
their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always 
do it, and the veterans are patient; but when I am 
eighty I shall object very strongly to anyone suggest- 
ing to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The 
mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, 
alas, but they have faced death before, and even now 
they must feel the same irritation with public speakers 
that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a 
chaplain preaches to him about the life to come. 
However, the ladies feel sobs in their throats and I 
daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They 
have got hardened to it. 

At this meeting there were three choirs number- 
ing in all about six hundred voices. An energetic 
gentleman stood on the stage and commanded the 
singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly 
obeyed him when he urged different sections of the 
audience to sing alone. 

Of course we sang the " Star Spangled Banner," 
and at the chorus one of the men of the Grand Army 
of the Republic stepped forward, like the soldier he 
was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully 
and slowly. The effect was fine. 

After some remarks on the part of the chairman, 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 237 

in which he said that the " peaks in the distance 
shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke. He in- 
troduced a remark which I liked very much but had 
not heard before. It was something about his great- 
grandfather dying in New York on a British pest 
ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast 
in regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. 
I spoke for over an hour, and when I had finished 
the whole vast audience of nearly four thousand men 
and women rose to their feet and sang " For He's a 
Jolly Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but 
very proud. It was all very easy, really. The war is 
a serious business to the Scranton folk and they 
wanted to hear about things: they have all got a 
sense of humour, and I have lived with the British 
Tommy. 

The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and 
addressed a wonderful audience of people, some of 
whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen and con- 
sequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the 
name of their town. The local clergyman showed me 
an application form he had filled in for admittance 
to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was 
a citizen of the United States by birth, talent and 
inclination. He is about sixty years old, but he will 
be a soldier of some sort before this war is over, I am 
quite sure. 

That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. 



238 OVER HERE 

Apparently the audience consisted of mostly work- 
men. After the meeting I went to a reception at the 
house of some people of consequence. The very rich 
folk of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. 
They were awfully nice folk, but I suspect that they 
ought to have been at the meeting, for, of course, 
it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the 
war. I daresay that they felt that they knew all 
that was to be known about the war, but it seemed 
to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity 
to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they 
were keenly interested. As a matter of fact, they all 
knit a great deal and do what they can. Actually, 
the outstanding fact is this: There were two meet- 
ings in Easton. One took place in a school audi- 
torium and was filled with men and women keen 
as far as one could judge to "carry this thing 
through.'* The other took place in a very charming 
house which was filled with men and women in full 
evening dress, also keen to "carry this tiling through." 
It is a pity that they could not have met. 

We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but 
buoyed up with enthusiasm which had been given to 
us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and 
Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in 
this world, but the man who follows the trail of the 
Black Diamond up the Wyoming and Susquehanna 
Valleys sees much that he can never forget. 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 239 

People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the 
country is still asleep to the situation. They speak 
vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk there 
may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very 
effective sleep-walking performance and I should 
shrink from waking them up. 

After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more 
started off and addressed audiences in court houses 
all crammed to overflowing at York, Gettysburg, 
Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. 
It would be difficult to say which of these towns dis- 
played the most enthusiasm.. 

York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, 
and an excellent hotel. I lunched with a friend who 
lives in a country house, a little way out. The land- 
scape was covered with snow but it had rained during 
the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a 
sudden frost. The water therefrom running along 
the branches of the trees became glistening ice. The 
effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored 
along the chief residential street, — an avenue called 
after one of the kings of England. 

The next day we boarded a local train that carried 
us to Gettysburg. It was drawn along by one of 
those beautiful old locomotives that must have dazzled 
the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached 
Gettysburg five minutes before its time. I had hoped 
to spend some time viewing the battlefield, but there 



240 OVER HERE 

were several feet of snow, so it was difficult. However, 
we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands 
of graves occupied by the young men who fought 
and died in a great battle. The weather was bad but 
the Court House was crammed with people, including 
some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic. 

The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, 
who had been present, and he told me how he had 
liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it 
" rather cute " of the little French children to be able 
to speak French. 

Chambersburg was our next stopping place and 
here my senator rejoined us, for business had com- 
pelled him to go to New York during the first days 
of the week. The congressman had found it impos- 
sible to come with us and we missed him a great deal. 
Chambersburg seems a bustling community and the 
Committee of Public Safety had aroused much en- 
thusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all 
the people who desired to enter. 

The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is 
precisely like an English country town. It possesses 
a Presbyterian church which was built before the 
Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of 
the senator. During the day we motored out to the 
Carlisle School for the American Indians. This was 
interesting to me since I have read so many stories 
around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant 
group of buildings. 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 241 

We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium 
and at the moment of our entrance a band broke into 
" God Save the King." In the hall the braves were 
drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I 
had the honour of inspecting them and later I spoke a 
few words to them, but my effort seemed stilted and 
weak compared with the things that filled my mind. 

The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthu- 
siasm that had marked all the meetings throughout 
the week. I felt at home a little, for the inhabitants 
are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet 
and pretty and we regretted that more time could 
not be spent walking about its streets and examining 
the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to 
Middleburg. 

The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the 
beginning of this my last tour of Pennsylvania that 
the people in the small country towns are very wide- 
awake to the situation became more insistent after 
my visit to Middleburg. The temperature was sev- 
eral degrees below zero, and the ground had at least 
a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held 
at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there 
was not a vacant seat in the whole building and 
people were standing at the back of the hall. They 
" wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to 
catch their interest by telling them amusing stories. 
They desired strong meat. To me there seemed in 
16 



242 OVER HERE 

this charming little community the spirit of the men 
of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet 
in order that the British Empire might gain its 
freedom. They didn't know that they were fighting 
for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It 
is true, nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middle- 
burg this, and they believed me. They believed me, 
too, when I told them that once more the British 
people and the American people were allied with the 
same purpose in view — the downfall of futile 
autocracy. 

The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in 
America. It lives in the cities where it is difficult for 
the traveler to see, but in little towns like Middle- 
burg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of 
pride creeps over him when he makes the discovery. 

How clever our cousins are when it comes to the 
actual pinch. They were in a criminal state of un- 
preparedness, just like ourselves; but when they es- 
tablished their Committees of Public Safety through- 
out the length and breadth of this huge country they 
showed us something that we might do well to copy. 
The heart of the organization exists at the capital. 
Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels 
tap the towns, and little capillaries go out even to 
the small villages where local orators address the 
people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people 
will know about everything; their loyalty and keen- 
ness will be kept at the right pitch and the Govern- 



THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 243 

merit will then have a certain quantity to base their 
plans upon. 

At the moment the men at the head of affairs are 
getting the criticism that is so good for them, but 
no one seems to realise as yet that all mistakes at 
the moment are not really new mistakes but part of 
the great big composite mistake of unpreparedness. 
T am able to observe the feelings of the people 
as I f ~q from town to town and I am possessed not 
mere \y ^[^ a knowledge that we are going to win in 
our f-pght against Germany (that is a foregone con- 
1'iulion), but that the friendship that can be seen aris- 
ing between my country and this is going to be a 
Wo/aderful help to us. 

T can see this country travelling over some very 
ditT jalt ground during the next few months, but as 
4 en • gentleman said at Scranton, the " peaks in the 
distance shine with a very rosy light." 

And so to my own countrymen I can say, " Criti- 
cise the American statesman if you desire, since you 
are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle Sam's 
mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy ! " 
Your trust will not be in vain, for with your own 
British Tommy, the French Poilu, and the Italian 
soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will 
be there, smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the 
gratitude and love for him too which you will not be 
able to prevent from appearing on your face when 
the people of the world can cry at last, " Victory ! ! ! " 



